An HFTE Guide: So You Want To Take Over For Fireman Ed?

This past weekend, we all heard about the devastating news of Fireman Ed quitting his position as the Jets’ unofficial super-duper-superfan. Let’s face it, Ed is one of only a few non-celebrity fans that other sports fans across the country are on a first name basis with. This may seem like an incredibly sad day for fandom everywhere, but it shouldn’t be. Hardcore fans should look at this as an opportunity to be the next person to be famous for just doing something you love to do – cheering for your team! Below is a helpful guide for you to follow, which will help you achieve your goal of being your team’s greatest, most famous cheerleader.

Get a better job

Not only is your office job super lame, but it’s not going to provide you with the funds you need to get season tickets year after year. I know what you’re saying to yourself: “I’m scared of fire, and I’m too selfish to risk my life to rescue people”. No need to worry, firefighting isn’t the only high-paying job out there, you just need to look hard. Use this job search to sharpen your skills needed for the next important step.

Be Aggressive

B-E Aggressive. B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E. Did you get that job yet? Yes? It was because you were aggressive, right? Don’t stop! BE IN EVERY MOTHERFUCKER’S FACE ALL THE TIME. SPEAK LOUD, SPEAK CLEAR AND SPEAK WITH SOME GODDAMN AUTHORITY. Many will call this obnoxious, but that seems like a small price to pay for fame and glory.

Location, Location, Location

You are not going to be able to be the biggest fan in the world by living in some small market shit town like Salt Lake City, Utah. You are going to have to take your aggressive ass to some place like Chicago or Miami. Sure, you may have to beat the shit out of that town’s current superfan, but that’s no problem because you’re AGGRESSIVE. Location is also important when it comes to purchasing your season tickets; you are going to have to be as close to the action and cameras as possible.

Pick up an antisocial personality disorder

Chances are that if you have made it this far, you already have a disorder, but if you don’t, there are no shortages of disorders to choose from. Antisocial personality disorders offer many conditions and symptoms that will allow you thrive as your team’s best supporter. Anxiety, AGGRESSION, narcissism, a blatant disregard for others, this is what the camera and the people at home love.

You may need plastic surgery

Do you have distinguishable features? Don’t expect to carry your team’s fan flag if you’re some 5’9”, 175 lb schmuck with short brown hair. Do something crazy with your looks. Maybe get fat or possibly grow a beard, America currently has a wacky fascination with those kinds of things right now.

Get a gimmick

Finally, your new identity doesn’t have to have any correlation with your team or city, as long as you’re known for SOMETHING. It can be outlandish or tame, freaky or funny. You don’t necessarily have to put much thought into it. Here are some ideas you can have for free:

–          Crossing Guard Carl

Wear a cheap orange vest over your expensive team jersey. You must be fat and rock aviator glasses

–           The Tin Can Man

Use crushed cans to cover your genitals and nipples, wearing only your team’s hat.

–          Furry Isaac

A fur coat and feather boa will accessorize your team gear. This is a timeless classic that is not seen often enough.

–          Maximum Headroom

In this one, you wear an absurdly large headpiece that shows your team spirit. This is incredibly effective in obstructing the lesser fan’s view.

–          Flairy Gary

This one is self explanatory (lots of team flair), and you MUST legally change your name to Gary.

–          En Vogue Steve

You show up wearing only apparel from your team’s haute couture line.

If you need to work on your craft, perhaps try starting out at your local Pop Warner football league or even at your former high school’s girls volleyball games, where you might want to hold off on your Creepy Bob gimmick.

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