An HFTE Presentation: The Spelling B-list

We at HFTE are proud to present a primetime viewing extravaganza that the Fox Broadcasting Network felt was beneath them.  This is a competition where b-list (and x-y-z-list) celebrities compete for more camera time by accurately spelling some relatively easy words. Unfortunately, Sgt Hammerclaw felt that this was also beneath HFTE, so he ended up destroying the video. Despite Sarge’s objections, I have decided to publish the transcript of the event.


Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the inaugural HFTE Celebrity Spelling B-list! Tonight, a select group of second-tier stars in sports and entertainment  –who were able to pass the pre-screening test of successfully spelling their names— compete for the crown of “Heftiest Speller in Hollywood.”

We now introduce to you, the host of tonight’s contest: Sweating Mullets!

Sweaty: Thanks, Johnny. Tonight you will witness history, as we find out exactly which non A-list celebrity is capable of arranging letters properly to win money for their most favorite charity – Themselves.

[Round of applause. Perhaps also a whistle directed at Sweaty]

Sweaty: I would like to introduce you to the first contestant: The once, kind-of-cute, Amanda Bynes!


Judge: Amanda, your word is: Chauffer

Amanda Bynes: [takes sip from Camelbak she’s wearing] Um, like… [sips again] S-H-O-W-F-E-R. As in, I’ll do this show fer more Vodka.


Judge: I’m sorry, Amanda, you’re drunk.

Sweaty: Oh, that is really too bad. Please follow this tape line off stage. Oh, and don’t worry about walking heel to toe on it.

Amanda Bynes: FUCKING OBAMA! [crashes into microphone stand, keeps going offstage as if nothing happened]


Sweaty: Please welcome our next contestant… Heidi Montag! Hey girl, big fan.

heidimontagHeidi Montag: Stop ogling me, creep.

Sweaty: Are you ready?

Heidi Montag: [poses for camera]

Judge: Your word is: Natural

Heidi Montag: [poses for camera]

Judge: Natural

Heidi Montag: [continues to pose]

Sweaty: You have no idea what the word natural is, do you?

Heidi Montag: [gets escorted off the stage by security while still posing]



Sweaty: That was fun! Next up, Chad Ochocinco!

Ochocinco: [tweeting on phone] Sup?chadochocinco

Judge: Chad, your word is: Humility

Ochocinco: Child please. [sends tweet]

Judge: No. Humility.

Ochocinco: [drops hands with phone down to his side] C-H-I-L-D-P-L-E-A-S-E


Sweaty: Looks like you just got fucked on camera again.

Ochocinco: [start tweeting again, walks off stage]


Sweaty: This thing is wide open! Let’s see if our next contestant can win this thing. Charlie Sheen, come on down!

charliesheenCharlie Sheen: Winning!

Sweaty: Well, the fact that everyone but you so far was unable to successfully spell a word correctly, I guess you are.

Charlie Sheen: Winning!

Sweaty: Okay, we got it.

Charlie Sheen: Winning! [then goes on to mumble almost incoherently] Tiger’s blood… tiger’s blood… winning… winning…

Sweaty: Please stop it.

Judge: Your word is: Sobriety

Charlie Sheen: I mean, what is this, are you some kind of troll? You are trying to keep me from winning, aren’t you? You are a troll. All of you and the HFTE producers and Sweaty are all a bunch of fucking trolls. Fact. This show would not succeed if it weren’t for me. Fact. I’m leaving now because I’m winning, why don’t you do this show with Ashton Kutcher and that troll Jon Cryer. TROLLS! Winning!


Sweaty: You are no longer winning. Please get in your Fiat and never come back, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: [lights cigarette, paces a few times across the stage, finally leaves]

Sweaty: It appears that nobody is going to win this thing. Is there someone, anyone out there there that wants to win? Can’t somebody…

Sweaty: Oh my god, it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sweaty: This is quite a surprise.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sweaty: It’s an honor to have you, Steve.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? [flips off Sweaty]

Judge: Uh… your… your… [gulps] your word is: Eudaemonic

Stone Cold: What? [kicks judge in stomach, gives him the Stone Cold Stunner] Eudaemonic, E-U-D-A-E-M-O-N-I-C. What? The only thing that would make for a more eudaemonic ending to this show, is if Charlie Sheen was still here. What? [stuns Sweaty instead]

HFTE stage hand throws Stone Cold a couple cans of Coors (the spelling bee banquet beer.) Sgt Hammerclaw demands that all filming cease immediately.



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3 Responses to An HFTE Presentation: The Spelling B-list

  1. Sgt. Hammerclaw says:

    I guess shredding transcripts is no longer an advisable method for destroying evidence.

    That said, congratulations to Mr. Austin on his success.

    • Sweating Mullets says:

      Now we know why he didn’t make an appearance on Raw 20. He was too busy opening a can of whoop ass on the dictionary.

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