The pressure of being a successful NFL quarterback in this day and age is something that the average man knows nothing about. Combine on-field success with a bit of charm, and an irresistible jawbone, suddenly the pressure to succeed doesn’t become limited to the moves he makes on the field. Every part of the quarterback’s life becomes scrutinized and put under a microscope. Every decision –such as whether he wipes his ass with Cottenelle two-ply, or Huggies wet wipes– comes under intense scrutiny from the media and the blogosphere. Everyone wants to know what he wears, where he goes, with whom he’s doing what with, and most importantly, who he is screwing. One superstar quarterback appears to be doing a fine job handling all of this, and trust me, he can handle a lot.
Tom Brady seems to have the picture perfect life. He’s the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots; where he has won multiple MVP’s and Super Bowls, has an endorsement deal with UGG, and most notably, he has a beautiful wife. These are all things that any male would be enviable of, especially the part where he gets to crawl into bed with the stunning Gisele Bündchen every night. If all of this seems a little too perfect, that’s because it is.
Tom Brady has been keeping a very large secret from the public: he has a fat fetish. That’s right; he’s a chubby chaser, an FFA. He’s into BBW, BBBW, SSBBW, SSBBBW, BigMommas and hogging. I know this will come to shock to many people, but take a look at it from a wider perspective. Sure, he’s dated some pretty hot looking women in Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen, but those woman are merely his “burly beards”.
Bridget Moynahan made the perfect cover for Tom as his ascension to fame coincided with the ever-growing internet tabloid market. Before the paparazzi could catch him canoodling with some heifer in the corner both of a Boston-area Denny’s, Tom had sidled right up to a slim, brunette model/actresses, Moynahan. You might be saying to yourself: “This is absurd, this makes no sense. If Tom Brady likes fat chicks, why would he break up with her right when she got pregnant?” My response: That is all just part of the cover-up. Plus, pregnancy fat is nothing like real fat, we all know this.
During his hiatus from dating super hot models, Tom totally ate up being single by probably trolling the “casual encounters” and “misc romance” of the Boston Craigslist for each one of his plentiful tryst. Tom must have totally gone hog wild, because eventually someone on his PR team convinced him to go on a couple dates with some hot supermodel –who is now his wife.
What is the best way to cover up the fact you have an uncontrollable urge for large women? Marry a stunning supermodel –who is able to go undetected while standing up against a flag pole, and then keep knocking her up to temporarily satisfy some unexplainable urge for fatness, likely passed onto you by having loving parents and/or grandparents who happened to be obese– I am of course talking about Gisele Bündchen . Come on, folks! Can’t you see a trend here?
Still not convinced? How do you think Tom Brady manages to stay out of trouble at night while on the road? Two words: room service. Why did Tom Brady choose the profession of NFL quarterback? He likes to keep his hands pressed up against a lard ass. I can go on and on, but there is a larger force at work here.
Why would Tom and his people feel the need to cover up his insatiable desire for rotund women out of the public eye? Just like everything else in the world, it boils down to money. If Tom’s secret ever got out, XXXL number twelve jerseys sales would soar, and that’s not a good thing. XXXL jerseys are sold to the public at the same price as small jerseys, but the extra inches of fabric needed by the up-and-coming garment workers of the South Pacific to produce all extra orders of XXXL would probably cost the NFL much more than Tom Brady is worth. Tom Brady –or at least his handlers– know that in order keep his contract up in the eight digit per year range, his women must be in the double digit weight range.
So there you have it. Women often get mad at us Tom Brady-types for being shallow because we often date thin, attractive women. They need to understand that this isn’t always true, perhaps it’s just a cover. But if they really want someone to blame for this perceived act of shallowness, blame the NFL and the textile industry.