As you have probably already heard, the sports world was rocked today (Yesterday? Last week? I’m not good with time zones.) by the news that Europol has identified hundreds of soccer matches in recent years that they believe to have been fixed. Unfortunately, Europol also decided to ruin all of our twitter fun by refusing to reveal the suspected teams involved in the scandal.
That’s fine. Here at HFTE, we don’t let little things like the truth or facts stand in the way of a good speculation. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to identify the clubs that
are definitely could potentially be involved in the match-fixing scandal, and have included a brief description behind my reasoning. In the interests of full disclosure, now would be a good time to inform you that I am not even remotely a soccer fan, and really only pay attention every four years or so. However, to compensate for this, I have extensively researched all of the potential suspects and narrowed down my list from there. Let’s get started.
15. Reading F.C. - Sure, this Premier League club may fly under the radar by being a noun, but I’m on to you, bookmakers.
14. Olympiacos F.C. - If you’ve paid any attention to the news over the last few years, you know that things haven’t exactly been going well for Greece. Greece’s most popular soccer club is certainly no exception. How does the old saying go? Oh, that’s right. “Desperate times mean that Olympiacos FC is probably on the take.”
13. CFR 1907 Cluj - These guys are apparently based out of Transylvania. If DuckTales for the NES taught me anything, it was that you can never trust anyone from Transylvania.
12. Arsenal F.C. - They have a cannon in their logo. Who ya firing at, Arsenal? The integrity of sport. That’s who.
11. Iran - Whenever controversy is in the air, it’s usually because Iran released it in a top-secret test.
10. The New Saints F.C. - That’s quite the name you’ve got there, The New Saints. I don’t trust it one bit.
9. Chelsea F.C. – I’ll be honest, they’re only on this list because I’m tired of their fans flooding my twitter feed on game day, and also because they’re definitely a match-fixing club.
8. Qatar - Yeah, this one is probably accurate.
7. Juventus F.C. – Actually, I’m fairly certain that this one is legitimate too.
6. FK Vardar Skopje - These frauds couldn’t even take the time to spell “F.C.” correctly in their club name. These are the laziest frauds of the bunch.
5. F.C. Basel 1893 - You’ve probably heard of basil, a popular culinary ingredient. You also may know basil as the stuff in the plastic bag that the upperclassmen in high school sold to you for $50 when you were 15 years old. Well, this club was so dedicated to that type of fraud that they named their club after it. They’re not very good at spelling, but that’s beside the point. The jig is up, Basel 1893.
4. North Korea - Because really, how else could these guys have qualified for the World Cup Final?
3. F.C. Sheriff Tiraspol - Europol trusted you, Sheriff Tiraspol. How could you? Cry all you want, your Tiras won’t help you now.
2. Manchester United F.C. - Do you trust Wayne Rooney? I didn’t think so. Also, I remember hearing something about the owner of Manchester United owning the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Anybody who allows themselves to be represented by Roger Goodell is almost certainly into some shady shit.
If true, this would be a devastating hit for the American Soccer Bandwagon Movement.
1. France - Please God, let this be true.