A lot has been made over the past few days regarding the massive savings that retailers are offering in order to boost consumer spending over the Thanksgiving weekend. The internet is full of roundups that detail the biggest savings nationwide, from televisions to toaster ovens. However, this isn’t a phenomenon reserved exclusively for commercial retailers. The Black Market has been aggressively slashing prices as well, hoping to motivate scoundrels and scumbags alike to go all out for their loved ones this holiday season. Unfortunately, there have been a shockingly low number of Black Market Friday sales roundups, and here at HFTE, we take it upon ourselves to ensure that our readers have as much holiday shopping information at their disposal as possible. That’s why I have decided to give you a breakdown of the best and worst Black Market Friday deals around.
You may be saying to yourself, “Hey, Sarge. Good to see you again. I thought you said that were going to go away for a while. Are you back now or is this more of a one-off post? Get back to me regarding that. Anyway, what makes you the expert on Black Market Friday? Do you really know that much about all of these products? Also, didn’t Black Market Friday already happen? What good will this guide do us now?” My reply to that would be, “Hi. You too. I did. Oh, look, a bird! Okay. Nothing, really. I’ll get to that in a minute. Yeah, it already happened, but I have it on good authority that Black Market retailers tend to honor these deals through the duration of the holiday season.”
Truthfully, I know my limitations as a blogger, leaf-collection activist and amateur neurosurgeon. That’s why I have reached out to some people who are widely regarded as experts in these markets, and asked them to provide me with their thoughts on these Black Market Friday deals as well.
Let’s get started!
Gulf Galaxy – Spent Uranium Rods: Buy 10, get the 11th Free!
I reached out and asked Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his thoughts on these savings:
“Oh, yes! These rods are very good quality. Top notch. However, you must be aware that the Gulf Galaxy has a “no return” policy on all purchases, so if you are going to buy this many, you need to make sure the United Nations aren’t going to get all up in your shit before you buy them. Otherwise you’ll spend the next ten years having to move them every three weeks because the damn satellites keep figuring out where you’re keeping them! This is all bullshit! Can’t a country just develop a nuclear
weapons energy program anymore without the rest of the world sticking their noses into it? God damnit.”
The North Korean Face – 25% Off All Government Positions
The disgraced Former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, has provided us with his two cents:
“Well, I’m not saying I know anything about these matters, but if I did know anything about buying and selling government positions, I’d probably say that this is a great fuckin’ deal! However, that logic only applies to American positions. In the DPRK, it’s much more likely that you will find yourself in a “title-only” position with minimal power, which really hurts the resale value of an investment like this. I’d stay away from this one. Can I interest you in a signed 8 x 10 headshot?”
J.K.’s Jewelers – Earn Double Points On Your Frequent Buyer Card With Any
Blood Diamond Purchase!
I don’t know the first thing about buying jewelry (You know what I mean, fellas? [gives elbow nudge] Yea you do!), so I reached out to ruthless warlord and CEO of J.K.’s Jewelers, Joseph Kony himself to give us some insight into this sale:
“You know how sometimes, everything seems to be finally settling down for you in life, and then some guy makes a short video about you before he goes to jack off on the San Diego streets, and before you know it you have to pick up shop and relocate your entire operation again while a bunch of hippies try to track you down and put “COEXIST” bumper stickers on all of your jeeps? Oh, you don’t? Well, let me tell you, it fucking sucks. Do you know how much Goo-Gone I’ve had to buy to get all of those things off?! Talk about a headache! Anyway, we truly value all of our customers here at J.K.’s Jewelers, so as a holiday gift to all of you, we’ve decided to give you double points on all Blood Diamond purchases through the end of the year. Shop now, while supplies last!
EuroZone – Free* Greece
A word regarding this promotion from German Chancellor and EuroZone CEO, Angela Merkel:
“DU HAST TO BE KIDDING ME! THERE VILL NEVER BE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN! FREE GREECE! DAS ENTIRE COUNTRY OF GREECE CAN BE YOURS FOR NOTHING! DU HAST BE SOME KIND OF IDIOT NOT TO TAKE IT! DAS NATION OF GREECE IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE! RICH WITH HISTORY! GOOD HISTORY! TAKE IT NOW! GET IN THE ZONE, EURO ZONE! EXCEPT FOR GREECE! DU VILL TAKE GREECE AWAY FROM US! WE VILL GIVE IT TO DU FOR NOTHING!”
* – Some terms and conditions apply.
‘Dusky Cheese – Chris Hanson Effigy Doll for only 450 Tickets!
I stopped a consumer named Gary on his way out of ‘Dusky Cheese after seeing him with one of these dolls in his hand. He initially laid down with his over his head on the pavement, but after telling him that I was only there to interview him about the doll he had in his hand, he agreed to give us some feedback:
“They really reduced this one a lot. It used to be 750 tickets, so this is quite the deal. I’ve always been pretty good at Skeet-balls, but it takes a lot of stamina to get all the way up to 750 tickets in one day, and they don’t let you bring your tickets home with you. I don’t know if this thing works, but if it doesn’t I’ll just give it to someone as a gift. By the way, do you have any cookies or lemonade?”