Body’s Baseball Preview: The Miami Marlins

The fine folks here at Heading For The Exits were gracious enough to host my team-by-team baseball previews. Look for a new one every day from March 1st through March 30th. Last but not least, it’s the NL East. Today’s team is the one with the gigantic, faded “Yard Sale” sign out front and the murder-suicide in the attic.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write 500 words about the Marlins… so here we go.

How’d The Offseason Go?

Well, we can’t go without highlighting the horrendous betrayal of trust that was the trade with the Blue Jays. Josh Johnson, Jose Reyes, Emilio Bonifacio, Mark Buehrle, and John Buck all got the boot in return for… you know what, no, I can’t do this. The Blue Jays flew down to Miami and took a shit in their batting helmets, and the Marlins thanked them for the opportunity to wear them.

So after you’ve pissed yourself, you might as well keep pissing, right? They brought on Matt Diaz, who is perfectly content to ride the pine in the twilight of his career. Jon Rauch signs on to pitch the eighth ahead of Steve Cishek. Watching his six-foot-eleven frame slump as homeruns fly over his head will be the biggest source of entertainment for this team. The usual background names signed on here as well: Kevin Slowey, Matt Downs, Kevin Kouzmanoff, and Chad Qualls will be borderline useless on this team. They signed and released Chone Figgins all within the span of 8 weeks. That’s an impressive turnaround of buyer’s remorse in the sports world. Casey Kotchman brings his empty batting average and unnaturally white teeth to play first base, and it’s an unfortunate fact that he truly is the best option for them there.

Oh yeah, here’s Juan Pierre. Beautiful.

The Marlins Will Make The Playoffs If

The Marlins Will Miss the Playoffs If

The MLB still exists come October.

How The Season Will Go

ExplodingHead

How’s The Farm?

DOOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAAAAARE.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

Do you know who’s draftable on this team? Giancarlo Stanton. I suppose you could go with Steve Cishek for a closer, although his ratios aren’t terribly impressive. There are literally no startable pitchers in the rotation. Or players on offense for that matter. Oh sure, some poor fool will end up with Juan Pierre for awhile, but that’s a meaningless, pitiful existence. Justin Ruggiano is being hailed as a sleeper, but if anyone’s going to be able to screw up a sure thing, it’s the creators of this monstrous fuck-up.

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Projected Finish in the NL East?

5th. And oh my god is this a more sure thing than me striking out at speed dating.

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.”

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.

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