Breaking Bad Beats

Ed. Note: Friend of the Blog PostApocalypticRecSpecs returns this week with another edition of Breaking Bad Beats.

I looked at the lines two minutes ago, have done zero research and don’t even know any of these CFL teams. I’m picking the Argos. Needless to say, this week is also going to be short and sweet, like my dick dipped in a vat of Baby Ray’s.

Packers at Bears (Current Line : Packers -3)

The Packers have beat the Bears five straight times, and the Bears play like shit in “Bear” weather. I don’t know who’s announcing this game, and it doesn’t matter, if it snows I’m going to shoot my TV.

Packers -3 *

Giants at Falcons (Current Line : Falcons -1.5)

Falcons Round One Playoff Loss Fever – CATCH IT

Giants +1.5 * (This is the “fuck a midget in the ass” rule)

Buccaneers at Saints (Current Line : Saints -4)

Old Man Tags bent ol’ Roger over the table with that bounty ruling reversal, didn’t he? Looks like you could use some Bounty now, bitch.

Buccs +4

Viking at Ram (Current Line : Rams -2.5)

Depends if the Viking is horny.

Ram

Redskins at Browns (Current Line : PICK ‘EM!)

“If it’s brown, it’s down.”    – David Duke at a NAACP rally.

Redskins *

Jaguars at Dolphins (Current Line : Dolphins -7)

What could have been for the Phins. How they make it through this game with the constant reminder of league MVP Chad Henne slinging the ball all over the field on Sunday is beyond me. Godspeed, Phins.

PUSH

Broncos at Ravens (Current Line : Broncos -3)

As a Bronco fan, the firing of Cam Cameron scares the shit out of me.

Broncos -3*

Colts at Texans (Current Line : Texans -8.5)

Ha ha! Texans fans and Bears fans sitting in a tree; k-i-l-l-i-n-g (themselves.)

Colts +8.5

Panthers at Chargers (Current Line : Chargers -3)

[shrugs shoulders]

Chargers -3

Seahawks at Bills (Current Line : Seahawks -5.5)

I honestly want to know if Marshawn Lynch can successfully recite the alphabet.

Seahawks -5.5

Lions at Cardinals (Current Line : Lions -6.5)

I think I’m going to bet the Lions here, so I can watch them abort their fetus in the final trimester, and finally feel what it’s like to be a Lions fan.

Lions -6.5 *

Steelers at Cowboys (Current Line : Steelers -2)

Look everybody, two teams America loves to overrate!

Steelers -2*

Chiefs at Raiders (Current Line : Raiders -3)

I mean, honestly. Who’s announcing this beaut? Jay Sanin?

Raiders -3

49ers at Patriots (Current Line : Patriots -5.5)

Big news about Jim Harbaugh being on Saved By The Bell last week (I don’t think it was the original, but who cares.) It got me thinking about Tiffani Thiessen and the salacious, lewd, obscene, impassioned, carnal, disgusting things I would still – to this day- do to her. With my tongue.

49ers +5.5

Jets at Titans (Current Line : Titans -1.5)

I really need Kenny Britt to do well for me in fantasy playoffs for this week and next. I just hope he resists the urge to drown that hooker in a mountain of blow until week 17.

Jets +1.5

I would’ve had this done sooner, but a Google search for the proper spelling of “Thiessen” led to several images.

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12 Responses to Breaking Bad Beats

  1. fat-leaveher says:

    Thank you for this advice.

  2. Sweating Mullets says:

    Nobody wants to hear about your Kelly Kapowski fantasies. Stick to being bad at picking sports.

    Oh, and team Lisa Turtle.

    • Rec Specs says:

      Most of my buddies were Team Turtle, but that’s probably because it was the first black woman they had ever seen.

      I was obviously right in the long run, I know talent when I see it.

  3. cobra says:

    Jesus, PARS, that one joke buried deep in there absolutely made me pee my big boy pants. Having said that, the Grey Cup was weeks ago and I had money on the hometown Argos to win, at home, despite being the dog to the Clagary Stampeders. Needless to say I’m now financially secure enough to invite all four of you over for fondue and meth.

  4. Gamboa says:

    Oh. I missed that Chargers game because I was all tied up watching the Eagles and Panthers wins.

    I suppose I should tell you where you’re going to be wrong this week, although I don’t have anywhere near the conviction this time. Gimme Ravens, Texans, Falcons, Cowboys, Chiefs, and Pats. Nervously.

    Two locks this week- road locks, no less. Seahawks, and (gasp) Lions.

    Also, I’m not much of a reader, so please just have Hoppes autograph the undies. Thanksies!

    • Rec Specs says:

      Could not agree more on the Lions. I think I ‘m gonna throw 200 on them, that’s the most I let myself bet on a game.

      It’s too bad this site won’t be around next year. Otherwise we could do this against each other, and I could mop the floor with you every week.

  5. Gamboa says:

    Finally!

    Good news, fans! Since we last talked, I have climbed nearly 500 spots to 2219th! That’s only 17 non-Raysisms beating me! 98.5th percentile.

    Who won that Cowboys/Bengals game last week? I haven’t seen…

    • Rec Specs says:

      I missed the Bengals game, but I watched every second of the Chargers beating down the Steelers. I think they were ahead by three touchdowns at one point. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

      I really do wish you well in your little contest, Gambooey, because I just saw that first place wins a four-pack of thermal underwear and an MLA manual autographed by Lynn Hoppes.

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