All right motherfuckers, daddy’s got some free time. I hope all you people with kids got your brats everything their little heart’s desired, so I don’t have to listen to them throw a tantrum every five goddamn minutes while I’m the other room fucking your wives while you’re at work. Thanks.
Week 17 is always a fuck-show. If Vegas doesn’t even know what the hell is going on, how the hell should I?
I lost in my fantasy league super bowl by five goddamn points last week. FUCK.
Jets at Bills (Current Line : Jets -3.5)
Thank god I don’t have to write another word about these assholes until next season.
Dolphins at Patriots (Current Line : Patriots -10)
My team played against Reggie Bush last week, and he scored three touchdowns. Has he ever scored three goddamn touchdowns in one game during his NFL career before that? Probably not. What a cunt.
(The Packers honestly need to sign Reggie Bush in the off-season.)
Ravens at Bengals (Current Line : Bengals -3)
Even though Joe Flacco doesn’t really have a uni-brow, it’s fun to say that he does.
Browns at Steelers (Current Line : None)
There isn’t a line on this game yet, and I don’t give a shit. I care about this game as much as I care about Bowl Week.
Texans at Colts (Current Line : Texans -7)
You Texans fans can suck a grapefruit. “I thought this was our year!” “We’ve waited so long!” Try being a Cubs fan, fuck off.
Jaguars at Titans (Current Line : Titans -4)
Cowboys at Redskins (Current Line : Redskins -3)
I can’t wait for this game. RGIII! Devastating Dallas turnovers at the most inopportune time! Camera shots of a dejected Jerry Jones OR Daniel Snyder! Camera shots of a deceased Jerry Jones or Daniel Snyder! Tom Cruise!
Eagles at Giants (Current Line : Giants -7.5)
Andy Reid’s final game in an Eagles themed tent.
Bears at Lions (Current Line : Bears -3.5)
If the Lions don’t turn it on soon, they’re not going to make the playoffs.
Packers at Vikings (Current Line : Packers -3.5)
I hope AD breaks Eric Dickerson’s record, mainly because Dickerson played with Craig James.
Buccaneers at Falcons (Current Line : None)
For the sake of the home crowd, I hope the Falcons give their fans one final look at a “W” for the season.
Panthers at Saints (Current Line : Saints -5.5)
If every other player in the NFC dies, the Saints will be the first host team to play in the Super Bowl. Jimmy V, Saints fans. Jimmy V.
Chiefs at Broncos (Current Line : Broncos -16)
That huge red mark on Peyton’s forehead is actually from me bouncing my boner off of it.
Raiders at Chargers (Current Line : None)
Cardinals at 49ers (Current Line : 49ers -16.5)
I wish the NFL ran week 17 like a rec-league basketball game when one team doesn’t have enough guys, and they let Alex Smith play for the Cardinals, and then the Cardinals would end up winning.
Rams at Seahawks (Current Line : Seahawks -10.5)
This feels like a backdoor cover (with anal bleaching http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_bleaching )
Bring on the Playoffs!