Breaking Bad Beats

All right motherfuckers, daddy’s got some free time. I hope all you people with kids got your brats everything their little heart’s desired, so I don’t have to listen to them throw a tantrum every five goddamn minutes while I’m the other room fucking your wives while you’re at work. Thanks.

Week 17 is always a fuck-show. If Vegas doesn’t even know what the hell is going on, how the hell should I?

I lost in my fantasy league super bowl by five goddamn points last week. FUCK.

Jets at Bills (Current Line : Jets -3.5)

Thank god I don’t have to write another word about these assholes until next season.

Bills +3.5

Dolphins at Patriots (Current Line : Patriots -10)

My team played against Reggie Bush last week, and he scored three touchdowns. Has he ever scored three goddamn touchdowns in one game during his NFL career before that? Probably not. What a cunt.

(The Packers honestly need to sign Reggie Bush in the off-season.)

Patriots -10

Ravens at Bengals (Current Line : Bengals -3)

Even though Joe Flacco doesn’t really have a uni-brow, it’s fun to say that he does.

Bengals -3

Browns at Steelers (Current Line : None)

There isn’t a line on this game yet, and I don’t give a shit. I care about this game as much as I care about Bowl Week.

Texans at Colts (Current Line : Texans -7)

You Texans fans can suck a grapefruit. “I thought this was our year!” “We’ve waited so long!” Try being a Cubs fan, fuck off.

Colts +7

Jaguars at Titans (Current Line : Titans -4)

Hoo boy.

Titans -4

Cowboys at Redskins (Current Line : Redskins -3)

I can’t wait for this game. RGIII! Devastating Dallas turnovers at the most inopportune time! Camera shots of a dejected Jerry Jones OR Daniel Snyder! Camera shots of a deceased Jerry Jones or Daniel Snyder! Tom Cruise!

Redskins -3

Eagles at Giants (Current Line : Giants -7.5)

Andy Reid’s final game in an Eagles themed tent.

Eagles +7.5

Bears at Lions (Current Line : Bears -3.5)

If the Lions don’t turn it on soon, they’re not going to make the playoffs.

Bears -3.5

Packers at Vikings (Current Line : Packers -3.5)

I hope AD breaks Eric Dickerson’s record, mainly because Dickerson played with Craig James.

Packers -3.5

Buccaneers at Falcons (Current Line : None)

For the sake of the home crowd, I hope the Falcons give their fans one final look at a “W” for the season.

Panthers at Saints (Current Line : Saints -5.5)

If every other player in the NFC dies, the Saints will be the first host team to play in the Super Bowl. Jimmy V, Saints fans. Jimmy V.

Saints -5.5

Chiefs at Broncos (Current Line : Broncos -16)

That huge red mark on Peyton’s forehead is actually from me bouncing my boner off of it.

Broncos -214

Raiders at Chargers (Current Line : None)

/popcorn fart

Cardinals at 49ers (Current Line : 49ers -16.5)

I wish the NFL ran week 17 like a rec-league basketball game when one team doesn’t have enough guys, and they let Alex Smith play for the Cardinals, and then the Cardinals would end up winning.

Cardinals +16.5

Rams at Seahawks (Current Line : Seahawks -10.5)

This feels like a backdoor cover (with anal bleaching )

Rams +10.5


Bring on the Playoffs!

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10 Responses to Breaking Bad Beats

  1. PostApocalypticRecSpecs says:

    GAMBOA WHERE ARE YOU??//1??1/?!?????!/!11?!???

  2. Gamboa says:

    Trying to sneak it past me once again…

    Well, currently sitting at 98.5, it looks like it’s going to be a struggle for me to get up into the 99th. There are 2362 people on the planet ahead of me. But, again, how many are Raysism duplicate entries? And how many are devastatingly handsome??? Exactly.

    Week 17, amirite? Who has something to play for, aside from pride? And what is pride, really???

    Here’s where we differ- gimme Jets (gasp), Dolphins, Cowboys, Giants, Vikings, Panthers, Chiefs, Niners (yes, the Cardinals are THAT bad).

    Looks like it’s going to be a tough week for you. Til’ the playoffs, unless you won’t be making picks. In which case, I’ll return here to gloat. Toodles!

    • PostApocalypticRecSpecs says:

      So what you’re telling me is, the Cardinals are THAT bad, but the Chiefs – playing the Broncos IN Denver, when the Broncos have the #2 seed at stake – aren’t going to get housed? U.P.S.E.T. will be at your door momentarily.

      Also, I don’t care about the rest of the games, but I’m betting the Packers pretty hard here. They’re also playing for the #2 seed, and they own Minny.

      And yes, I’m doing the playoffs! I’ve been waiting all year for the playoffs! Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with something to write about Jaguars / Titans?

  3. Sweating Mullets says:

    You picked the Bears to win, and the Cardinals to upset if they had #SmittyTime. You’ve earned a special place in my rectum.

    Er, uh, heart.

  4. BronzeHammer says:

    Just FYI, PARS: I don’t work, so I’m actually hiding under the bed.

    • PostApocalypticRecSpecs says:

      You can’t fit under the fucking bed, especially with me up there dropping cinder blocks on your wife. Who you kiddin’?

  5. Telly2Putts says:

    That’s not a good sign when I can see that Anal Bleaching hyperlink has been clicked on my computer.

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