Breaking Bad Beats

The playoffs are here. THE PLAYOFFS ARE HERE! The worst part of this development is, of course, there is no more RedZone for a very long time, and that makes me sad. However, it does mean I’ll have more time on Sundays to catch up with my scrap booking. I’d also like to take a moment to say I’m sorry to all you folks who are fans of shitty teams, with shitty no coaches or general managers. Keep your chins up, Browns fan.

I’m betting every playoff game. I’ll either be the proud owner of new golf cart after these games, or I’ll be walking the course all year.

Bengals at Texans (Current Line : Texans -4.5)

This is a rematch from last year’s Wild Card round, and as much as I enjoy the majestic delivery of TJ Yates, I’m happy to see he’s not involved this time around. The Texans are no different from the Bears or the Giants, they just happened to show everyone how shitty they are a few weeks later.

The Bengals are like the red-headed kid you used to beat the shit out of in school, and then he decided he had had enough, so he either started lifting weights or committed suicide, and if he did the former, he ended up putting up a pretty good fight.

Bengals +4.5

Vikings at Packers (Current Line : Packers -7.5)

Adrian Peterson will be our first zombie player. Honestly, think about it: his heart stops one day and the rest of his muscles are so strong that they don’t need an electrical signal from his brain to tell his hands to reach into his chest, grab his heart, and just start squeezing the fucker. He’ll be running down the field giving stiff-arms to defenders with his beating heart spraying blood in their faces. What a freak.

Remember last week when I said the Packers would win by double-digits? I was wrong then but I’m not now. I’m going to be at this game because somebody gave me a free ticket, and it’s on a Saturday, and the Broncos aren’t playing this weekend, and because Lambeau is a fun place to get drunk. The free ticket part, mostly though.

Packers -7.5

Colts at Ravens (Current Line : Ravens -7)

I was all set to bet the Colts here, and then Kakey Ray went and screwed it all up with his retirement crap. If the Colts want to regain their stranglehold on sentimentality, Jim Irsay is going to have to at least attempt suicide before Sunday.

Ravens -7

Seahawks at Redskins (Current Line : Seahawks -3)

Here’s what happens: Russell Wilson and RGIII both get hurt in the first quarter, Matt Flynn and Kirk Cousins come in and light it the fuck up. Then, Matt Flynn gets a 27 million dollar contract from the Cardinals next year, and Cousins gets traded there also. THEN, Cousins takes Flynn’s job and Flynn then buys an NFL team with all his money so he can finally be a starter. The end.

Seahawks -3

I’d also like to give a shout-out to Gamboa’s doctor for not refilling his Seroquel prescription last week.

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4 Responses to Breaking Bad Beats

  1. Gamboa says:

    Welp, the final results are in. 2071 people out there (17 non-Raysisms) finished ahead of me. That’s 98.6 percentile-wise. Like a normal body temperature! For you warm-blooded weirdos, anyway.

    Playoffs be tough! I find myself agreeing with PARS 🙁

    I also find myself rooting for the schizo Texans to be exposed once again, and I’m not sure why. They could easily blow the Bengals off the field, but here’s to pulling for the inept version of everybody’s-once-Super-Bowl-favorite-darlings to show up, and Cincy to win it outright. Gun to head, that’s what I’m betting on, although the prospect of real money on this one is horrifying.

    Bengals 27, Texans 17- but judge me by the cover

    I’m a HUGE Packer hater, yet also a HUGE Charles Woodson fan. That said, I’m not expecting the guy with the f’d up collarbone to get in there and stuff Adrian Peterson. If CW makes a difference, aside from mere presence and leadership, it will be as a blitzer. And that could be significant. Regardless, I don’t know that I weigh anything more heavily than home field advantage and the “been there before” factors when it comes to playoff football. Both point to the Pack, not to mention that the Vikes upset them last week. Twice in two weeks? Doubtful.

    Packers 31, Vikings 16

    See the two factors above. I might take the Colts at home, at least to cover. I like what they’ve done this year, and I am not going out on a limb in saying that I love Luck’s upside. And I don’t trust Flacco at all. And the Ravens defense isn’t what it once was… Shit, who am I picking again??? Flacco plays some of his best football in the playoffs, and I don’t think the Colts are the team to rattle him. Not at home. He won’t suck it up this particular week. The Ravens win the turnover battle, and the game.

    Ravens 27, Colts 13

    This is the game I am most looking forward to. Two fun teams, two great stories. Largely because of the rookie QB matchup. You keep waiting for these guys to play like rookies, and they keep shining on the biggest of stages. Will one, or both, finally show their youth? Normally I’d say yes, but they’ve each earned the benefit of the doubt. I just think the Seahawks D gives them the edge here, even on the road. Especially with RGIII at less than full-mobility. Along with a ball control offense via a hefty dose of Marshawn Lynch, this should be enough to get it done.

    Seahawks 23, Redskins 13

    Also, joke’s on you, PARS. I don’t even know what “Seroquel” is. Or “health coverage.” Idiot.

    • PostApocalypticRecSpecs says:

      I didn’t know what Seroquel was either, until I typed “bipolar necrophiliac misanthropic chronic febrile fungal virulent psychosomatic infectious is there any cure for it” into Google.

    • Sweating Mullets says:

      Awfully slimy of SubPARS to try to sneak this past you by posting it at 1am.

      • Gamboa says:

        That’s pretty much his move.

        Fuck you Dalton, for missing Green in the end zone. You too, Marv, for not kicking that FG. And THAT’S why I’m scared to bet money.

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