Breaking Bad Beats

 

 

Ah, the greatest weekend on the American sporting calendar is upon us. Not only that, but – for my money – the best eight teams in the NFL are left standing. Some people prefer the flukiness of March Madness or the juxtaposition of people skating on a sheet of ice in June, but for me nothing beats the Divisional round of the NFL playoffs, mostly because it all takes place during a weekend and everyone can get hammered drunk.

Last week’s Wild Card round was dominated by all four favorites, which is quite rare. Vegas hasn’t had a good year with their sports books, and this is the reason why. We went three for four with our picks last week, with Marvin Lewis the Bengals being the only team to contribute to the aggressive attack on my liver.

Ravens at Broncos (Current Line : Broncos -10)

The Broncos are going to absolutely pound the fuck out of the Ravens. This is going to be like Samuel L. Jackson facing Darren Rovell in a cool contest. Did everyone watch Ray Lewis play last week? That arm brace looks like a murder weapon, there’s no way security at the nursing home lets that thing through the front door.

I was watching a replay of Super Bowl XXXII the other day, and it struck me how much former Broncos receiver Ed McCaffrey looks like Jordy Nelson. Does anyone else think that? I could be wrong, though, because they all look the same to me.

Broncos -10

Packers at 49ers (Current Line : 49ers -3)

My trip to Lambeau for Packers / Vikings was interesting for two reasons. 1 – The two absolutely demolished Vikings fans sitting behind me. 2 – This fucking guy:

This game is the hardest to predict for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if either team won by three touchdowns.

This is also the Bastion Booger vs. Ravishing Rick Rude of coaching matchups. I’d really enjoy seeing Mike McCarthy body slam Jim Harbaugh at the conclusion of this one.

Packers +3

Seahawks at Falcons (Current Line : Falcons -2.5)

As my esteemed colleague Polk Panther can tell you, the Seahawks have racked up a few frequent-flyer-on-private-plane-oh-my-god-that-kind-of-thing-must-be-tough-miles this year. After traveling from Seattle to D.C., they now have to quickly bang their wives, call their Atlanta road beef, and travel across the country for a second consecutive week. I honestly believe, deep in my asshole, this is Atlanta’s year… to win a playoff game.

Falcons -2.5

Texans at Patriots (Current Line : Patriots -9.5)

Sorry Texans fans, it’s time to get led out to pasture. I’m not talking about the team, either. I’m referring to the people, you lumbering herd of fat fucks.

Patriots -9.5

 

Author’s note: If the Broncos somehow lose to the Ravens on Saturday, this feature will not return the following week, because the author will be deceased via self-inflicted gunshot wound. Have a wonderful day. 

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8 Responses to Breaking Bad Beats

  1. Gamboa says:

    HOOOOOOLLLLYYYYYYY SHHHHIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Sweating Mullets says:

    If Kaepernick goes down and Alex Smith gets in the game, your weekend will be ruined.

    • PostApocalypticRecSpecs says:

      I had this conversation with a friend of mine in the grocery store the other day. If #SmittyTime was the QB, I’d be betting the Niners.

      • Sweating Mullets says:

        So much for that. I have now officially hitched my wagon to Kaepernick. Alex Smith will always be #1 to me, but Colin is #3 behind Smitty and Cutler.

  3. Rec Specs says:

    If anyone is serious about looking into this kind of thing, RJ Bell’s ‘Vegas Facts’ are extremely interesting. http://pregame.com/pregame-forums/f/9/t/454860.aspx

  4. Gamboa says:

    I apologize for last week’s performance. I mean, I picked the Seahawks to win 23-13, and it ended up being 24-14. I also foolishly got the Packers and Ravens margins of victory wrong by one point each. I’m not commenting on the Dalton/Lewis debacle. I will try to do better this week.

    Oh, the Broncos. I don’t know what it is, but I remain skeptical. Not that they’re a good team, just that they’re that good. I just don’t see them getting it done against the best of the best when it matters most. But that isn’t this week against the Ravens. They’ll win, but I’m going to close my eyes and take the 10 points. Don’t screw me, Flacco.

    Broncos 27, Ravens 20

    I picked the Niners to win it all before the season started, and I can’t abandon that now. Even if I did, it wouldn’t be before this game. I actually have put my money where my mouth is on this one. Two small wagers against obnoxious (Is there any other kind?1?1!?) Packers fans. I’m concerned about the youth at QB in a game of this magnitude, but gimme home field, a coaching prodigy, and the league’s best back seven and I’ll take an adequate “game manager” under center. Especially one with big play capability, against a vulnerable defense. Suck it, Cheeseheads. At least you own this loss.

    Niners 30, Packers 24

    This one is tough. Who cracks first? The Falcons, with their recent history of playoff disappointments? Or the overachievers on the hot streak that seemingly has to end at some point? A “statement game” in every sense. I’m going to cop out and take the home team. If the Falcons have any pride at all, they rise up here. If not, I’ll never pick them in the playoffs again. Matt Ryan seems to have grown enough this year to get it done against a tough defense. No, you know what? Screw this. Changing on the fly. The Seahawks have the far superior defense, and I don’t think the Falcons can put enough pressure on Russell Wilson to rattle him. Even in one of the league’s toughest road venues, he’s earned the benefit of the doubt. And Marshawn should be able to get off. If this game were in Seattle, I wouldn’t struggle with this pick at all. Alas, it is not, so…

    Seahawks 27, Falcons 24

    The Patriots have fooled us a few times in recent years. They are, by no means, invincible. Perhaps more so than any other team, they get picked based on who they are. Brady, Belichick, their history… I try to avoid this. So, I’m picking based on who their opponent is. Prove me wrong, Texans. I defy you. Brady isn’t missing the throws that Dalton did. 9.5 is a lot, I don’t take it without reservations. But I take it nonetheless.

    Patriots 37, Texans 24

    Regardless of the picks, I’m just glad to see PARS finally acknowledge that the “greatest weekend on the American sporting calendar” isn’t the one that opens “deer season”. It’s about time.

  5. BBAM says:

    I honestly believe, deep in my asshole, this is Atlanta’s year… to win a playoff game.

    You fool! Beliefs are formed in the brain, not in a 12-inch G.I. Joe figurine.

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