Chris Brown Totally Chugs

This is horse shit

Everyone in the whole world knows Chris Brown is a pile of shit.

Instead of rehashing all the reasons that Chris Brown is a pile of shit, I’ll just pause and give you some time to absorb the image I’ve posted to the right of this paragraph. (You can read the shit piece by Luchina Fisher here).

Got it? What the heck, guys/gang? Why is this…Why is this an okay thing? It’s a fluff piece on a woman and her abuser, but framed as straight fucking news, and more or less written with the gravitas of a national security exposé. It’s on ABC News! Doesn’t this stoop a little low for such a big time media player? Is this how they run their fucking business? Are we supposed to conclude that no laughably commercial spoon-fed PR-boosting robotic click-grab is too low for ABC News now? Are they that desperate for young people’s eyeballs?

ABC News: News…on the radical!

ABC News: You double dog dare us to report today’s hottest stories?

ABC News: Reporting on the world, as soon as we’re done…*checks manual*..skateboarding or using Kazaa?

ABC News: *sighs, pulls out earbuds*

The answer is, of course, yes. Hell, at least they’re corralling their most pandering newsdrones to the celebrity section of the network’s website, rather than devoting the entirety of their resources to MacGrubering on their bellies at the feet of their audience.

Anyway, who is all this pro-Chris Brown whitewashing for? Whose reasoning could be so compromised that they can’t immediately dismiss the pathetic attempts of Brown’s hangers-on to untarnish his “brand” as transparent and vile? Who the fuck is ABC News writing “Chris Brown: Too Nice a Guy?” for?

Those last two are looking-up-from-brushing-your-teeth-and-seeing-a-face-in-the-bathroom-mirror horrifying.

The Bill Walton thing I’m not going to spend too many breathless, exaggerated hand motions on, but if you follow this idiot, re-evaluate your decision. I know you probably followed him when the Twitter Earth was new, parody account meteors were slamming into your timeline’s molten core, and @TheREAL____ dinosaurs roamed the Tweetscape.

But look at his Favstar. It’s hard to say which tweets came during which @NotBillWalton era — had it been sold to the highest bidder when it produced this gem, I wonder — but it makes no difference, the theme is almost unilaterally SportsHack. Ready to get depressed?

Those tweets came 5 months apart and earned about 8,000 RTs combined. Spend your follow currency elsewhere, folks.

With that out of the way, let’s reengage with this:

That’s the face of #TeamBreezy, the non-autonomic cabal of mentally underdeveloped youngsters who defend an impenitent monster in the hopes that their parents might one day pay several overlapping service charges to have him gyrate in the general direction of Section 303 Row QQ.

To these children, Chris Brown can’t be wrong because he is handsome or has abs or a falsetto or a hat or an unthreateningly biracial complexion or whatever. Well, we all have heroes, I guess.

But whereas even a few years ago, a parent or otherwise good-intentioned adult could have perhaps jarred loose the notion that, no, even though Phil Spektor made all those bitchin’ records, his life and/or hairstyle should not be imitated (ignoring for a moment the fact that a body builder and action hero ostensibly ran California for 8 years), I’m concerned that getting a teenager to believe that her opinion is bogus is becoming increasingly impossible.

I am a father and yes, as of 5 words ago, I’m the type of parent who will invoke parenthood as a means of boosting my lumbering ass up onto a tiny soapbox, but I’m concerned. Not that my daughter will ever be in an abusive relationship – that possibility is fantastically, necessarily remote.

Instead, I worry that every time I try to turn the radio in the car to something good, I’ll hear sighs instead of guitar riffs. Or that every time I try to explain why I’ve prepared vegetables for dinner, the click-clack of a “Dad’s gay lol” text message will drown out my pleas. Or that when I tell her she can’t wear something to school, I’ll be cruelly labeled a “hater” and violently dismissed.

I am mostly concerned that she’ll say the word “swag”.

I have considered that I probably don’t have enough perspective to be determining whether or not “social media” and Chris Brown are robbing our children of their innocence, that most of these kids probably have shitty parents, and that I’m totally not shitty and everything will be great and my kids will hug me and play catch and like the Beatles and shit. But who knows, right? I think I just need to make sure she gets to blogging age unscathed and then she can figure this shit out for herself.

About BronzeHammer

BronzeHammer is a warbling boner. Contact him with questions, concerns and complicated moneymaking schemes by throwing open the nearest window and hollering.
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3 Responses to Chris Brown Totally Chugs

  1. Sweating Mullets says:

    Fuck Team Breezy. TEAM HFTE 4 LYFE!1!!

  2. TDK says:

    When I was a teen and discovered Led Zeppelin, I used to seriously contemplate whether the band members had connections with the underworld and had used magick (!) to become the greatest band of all time. I’m not fucking joking either. I got way into the band and started to read about Jimmy Page’s obsession with noted dark mystic Aleister Crowley and started to seriously contemplate whether Page had been able to tap into some unseen forces to make music that normal, puny humans were too lame to create.

    The moral of the story is that kids are absolutely fucking retarded. The vast majority of #TeamBreezy will grow out of it the same way I eventually realized that Zeppelin’s secret, dark inspiration was actually just an adeptness at stealing old blues songs.

    The media who panders to these tweens, though, those people are horrible and should have someone hold their face up to their own poop whilst being told “NO!” every time they write this kind of drivel and post it on a legitimate website.

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