And we’re back! I’d apologize and complain about being busy but screw it, I don’t owe any of you an explanation. The following is less “this is a cool story and odd disease name” and more “I find the pathophysiology of this disease interesting so maybe one of you will too.” It’s also going to require a little more background than usual. I’ll try to start from the ground-up.

Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) is a widespread and deadly condition. A leading cause of death in the US (3^rd in the most recent census data available), COPD encompasses chronic bronchitis and emphysema. I’ll stick to emphysema, as it’s the more interesting of the two. While there is a rare genetic cause (A1AD, more prevalent among Northern Europeans), the main cause of emphysema is cigarette smoking.

Breathing is second nature. We do it all day, awake and asleep, without conscious thought or effort. Like everything in physiology, it’s more complicated than you’d imagine but is ultimatley a beautiful and elegant process. Basic anatomy: you’ve got two lungs which we’ll assume are symmetrical containers within your chest (realistically, the right and left lungs have different shape, number of lobes, and anatomical positioning. This has some clinical significance, you’re more likely to aspirate solids/liquids into your right lung than left lung for example). These lungs are surrounded by a continuous bi-layered membranous wrapping, the visceral and parietal pleura. These layers also have an important space between them, the pleural cavity. That can be a bit confusing, but visualize filling a balloon and then pushing your fist into the balloon. Your fist is a lung, the layer of the balloon directly on your fist is the visceral pleura layer, the outer balloon layer is the parietal pleura, and the inside of the balloon is the pleural cavity. The figure below should help you visualize this as well, just remember the layers are continuous with each other and the pleural cavity is an enclosed space.

Below your lungs is the major muscle of respiration, the diaphragm. If relaxed, it’s a large dome-shaped muscle which fills the area below the lungs (diaphragm not shown, but you can see where it would lie in the figure above). When inspiration is initiated, your diaphragm contracts and flattens, leaving the area below the lungs empty. The parietal pleura (outer layer) is attached to the chest wall, causing an increase in the volume of the pleural cavity and a corresponding decrease in pleural cavity pressure. At this point your lungs’ air pressure is equal to the atmospheric pressure outside your body, while your pleural cavity’s air pressure is slightly lower. The lungs expand to relieve this pressure difference, increasing volume within the lungs, and creating a pressure difference between lung interior and the external atmosphere. Air flows into your lungs to relieve this difference and congratulations, you’ve taken one breath. The exhalation process is similar, reversed, and more passive, as chest wall recoil and diaphragm relaxation are not energy intensive processes. If you didn’t follow all that, the important thing to remember is that airflow into the lungs is driven by volume/pressure differentials between various cavities.

We now know how air gets into your lungs (ventilation) but not how oxygen gets in your blood (respiration). The lung is composed of millions of tiny sacs called alveoli. These structures are incredibly thin-walled, with only three structures (lung epithelial cell, shared basement membrane, and capillary endothelial cell) between oxygen-rich air in the lung and oxygen-poor blood in neighboring capillaries. Ignoring the mechanism of the actual gas exchange, except to point out that part of the process includes something called the Hamburger Shift, just remember that oxygen flows from air to blood while carbon dioxide flows from blood to air.

Emphysema will cause a variety of pathological changes, but arguably the most damaging is septal collapse. Septa are the walls between adjacent alveoli (the air-filled sacs in the lung where gas exchange occurs). These changes are permanent and cause a decrease in number of alveoli, an increase in size of alveoli (called bullae once enlarged), and most importantly, a net decrease in the surface area available for gas exchange.

This causes obvious problems, as decreased surface area for gas exchange impairs that process and restricts the amount of oxygen reaching circulation. Compounding the problem are a variety of adaptive changes that take place. The chest wall expands, and I don’t mean you just breathe a little deeper. The chest wall literally expands (called barrel chest), increasing the thoracic volume and attempting to overcome poor gas exchange by maximizing lung volume. To this same end, the diaphragm gradually flattens out. Finally, the pulmonary circulation will automatically constrict blood flow to regions with impaired gas exchange. This is helpful when you have limited damage and can direct blood flow to regions of healthy lung tissue. However, with extensive damage this process will increase resistance of blood flow to the entire lung, placing dangerously increased workloads on the heart.

At this point you’re either begging for a return to MLB previews, not reading anymore, patting yourself on the back for being an avid runner, or thinking to yourself “that doesn’t sound obstructive.” That’s impressive critical reading right there, although it’s a little bizarre you’re still dwelling on that early sentence. There are a few reasons for the counter-intuitive nomenclature. First, emphysema-influenced alveoli lose the ability to hold their shape during exhalation. Collapsed alveoli are not filled with air and any blood passing by them will not undergo gas exchange. This non-oxygenated blood is then passed back to the heart and on to the rest of your circulation, still without oxygen, which is never a good thing. Second, and I find this physics relationship fascinating, is an increased proclivity for airway collapse. I already mentioned physiological changes that increase the thoracic volume in emphysema patients (barrel chest and depressed diaphragm). These changes force patients to exhale using their accessory muscles, a more forceful process (you likely use these muscles only when breathing heavily during exercise or while finishing a particular large sandwich). The use of these muscles substantially increase pressures not only on the lungs, but also on the bronchial tubes leading from the lungs. This decreases the diameter of these tubes, which means the same volume of air passing through in a set time will need to be moving faster (like blocking part of a hose with your thumb to make the stream more forceful).

Here’s where things get interesting. Bernoulli’s effect states that an increase in the speed of a fluid is accompanied with a corresponding decrease in pressure of the fluid (physicists use “fluid” to describe both liquids and gases because they never really got their shit together after screwing up which direction current travels). If you’ve heard of Bernoulli before it was likely concerning how an airplane wing generates lift. The curve of a wing means air above the wing travels further than air below, and therefore travels faster. This increased speed decreases air pressure above the wing more than below, and that force differential generates lift. In this same vein, really high winds will “rip” the roof off a house not by getting under a ledge and leveraging the roof off, but by passing so quickly over the top of the roof that the drop in pressure outside causes the air pressure within the house to blow its top off (read this sentence in a Minnesotan accent for full effect).

Applied to our emphysema patient’s airway, decreased diameter causes air to pass through the airway with increased speed. The increased speed lowers air pressure within the airway, further exacerbating the differential between increased intrathoracic pressure (pushing on the lungs and airways) and decreased airway pressure (holding open the lung and airways). This difference will collapse the airway walls, cut off airflow, and further inhibit the ability of a patient to reach the ultimate goal of this entire process, adding oxygen and removing carbon dioxide.

Phew, that’s it. Remember when these were short? Don’t smoke cigarettes.

Humor is the most delicate of emotions to express during a tragedy. While it is not a wrong emotion to express after a tragedy, it may not always be the best emotion for many to hear or read. A well constructed, but poorly timed joke will rub many people wrong, but may make others laugh. Combining a poor joke with poor timing will rub even more people the wrong way. Someone who makes jokes, or attempts to make jokes after a tragedy shouldn’t automatically be labeled as “evil”, that may just be how that person copes during an absolutely mind-bending situation. Sure, that person may not react that way if a tragic event were to happen close to home, or personally affect them, but I would like to think that that person would be understanding of others who aren’t as affected using humor to process what has happened, I know I would. I also understand how those closely affected may not want to be exposed to tasteless jokes that are made in the minutes after a tragedy.

Humor during a tragedy can be a very grey area, and it is probably best to know your crowd, and in social media, your crowd is the whole world.

I will admit that some of the jokes on Twitter in the hours after the event did make me laugh. They were a very much needed tension breaker during a very confusing event. I did also see a lot of jokes that were horrible, partly because they were lazy or poorly constructed combined with being in poor taste. I can only imagine how hard those are for some to take, especially for those affected.

I witnessed many people who were making good – albeit tasteless – jokes get crucified on Twitter. I naturally wanted to react to the reaction of those who objected, with my own sarcastic reaction to their reaction of a reaction, but I chose not to. I also saw some the people who were making jokes reply to those who disapproved by taking the high road, and replying in a classy and understanding way, rather than responding in a confrontational manner.

Outside of social media, in my real life – two thousand plus miles away from Boston – I heard my share of lazy, unfunny, tasteless attempts to express humor. It was easy for me to not get offended by these because of some of the factors I’ve already listed. Also, some of these “jokes” were made by people I know quite well – people who I can say without doubt, would act heroically if a tragic event were to take place two feet in front of them.

It is important for everyone to understand that humans all react to tragedy in different ways. While it may be best for a joker to use some discretion while making tasteless jokes, try not to be too critical of their attempt of expressing the emotion they feel most comfortable with.

Also, please welcome special guest commentator Brian Pickett, who will be joining in on the fun! Please follow him on Twitter, you won’t regret it.

Wade Barrett vs. The Miz (Pre-show)

Sweaty: ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ
Sweaty’s Prediction: The Miz via pinfall, Coral interference.

Brian: Now that this is the preshow match, would a win on the preshow count for Miz’s Wrestlemania undefeated streak? This is important for the build of Miz/Undertaker for Wrestlemania 43. This match basically means nothing. Sure the intercontinental title is on the line, but Wade Barrett has lost so many times over the last few months it doesn’t matter if he keeps it or not. This feud having started over Miz thinking Wade Barrett is an asshole for talking about being in a movie, even though Miz is also an asshole talking about being in a movie. The only hope is that Miz comes out through that AWESOME balloon again.

Brain’s Prediction: Miz wins via figure four, which at least doesn’t look terrible now. There will be a rematch at Extreme Rules with the same result. Miz will hold the IC title until he loses to Kofi Kingston. By June you won’t remember this feud ever happening.

Big Sloppy: What does the internet like to say in an event like this? “DOOON’T CAAAARE.” It’s a tough match to call, but for bad reasons. Barrett won’t be injected into the World Heavyweight chase if he happens to drop the belt, and ideally, your IC champ should be elevated after his title run. Two years ago, The Miz had one of the coolest Wrestlemania entrances of all time (the “You Can Hate Me Now” video package) but this year is reduced to a shitty version of the Figure Four and a match on the pre-show. If anyone cared about this match, WWE would make sure you paid for it. On a card with Tons of Funk, that isn’t saying much about how well you are connecting with the crowd. I’ll say Barrett retains, if for no other reason then it’ll allow both guys to move on to new feuds. 
Sloppy’s Prediction: Wade Barrett

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw: (all lines from bovada.lv as of 3/31) 

UPDATE: These lines have changed quite a bit over the last few days. I’m not redoing this though, and everything I said still holds true.

This one is a stay away, because frankly, who the fuck cares? Wade Barrett is currently pulling double duty as a jobber as well as the Intercontinental Champion, and it’s hard to tell whether The Miz is ever on the way up or down. +275 isn’t enough to rope me in.

STAY AWAY

Sheamus, Randy Orton and Big Show vs. The Shield

Sweaty: I like Ambrose a lot. The rest also have a ton of potential. That being said, the WWE is going to make them pay their dues.
Sweaty’s Prediction: Big Show will probably choke-slam one of these guys for the win, proving that that he is indeed a face, until next heel turn in two months.

Brian: The Shield is in a bit of a holding pattern going into Wrestlemania. This feud has been going for while and Sheamus has been feuding with the Shield for a bit longer. The problem is the Shield has already beat Ryback/Team Hell No and the super team of Sheamus/Ryback/John Cena.
Brian’s Prediction: The Shield wins by lifting Big Show and triple powerbombing him. The Shield’s entrance gets to look cool. Orton will hear voices in his head and everyone will ignore him.

It doesn’t seem like this team should pose a threat. They have already taken care of a team with Sheamus.  Randy Orton is just there, that is all that can be said about Orton in the last year. I will give Orton credit for continuing to exist. He still moves around like a snake that talks and also has arms and legs, so not like a snake. Orton needs to go away, or start wearing a big hat, playing a flute, coming out with a group of women dressed like snakes and call himself the Snake Charmer. Then there is the Big Show who is still indeed big. People can’t lift him, because he is too big.

Big Sloppy: I know The Shield has been making an impact in WWE for months, but this Wrestlemania will be their coming out party. The WWE bypassed putting three of their higher profile stars in Orton, Sheamus, and to a lesser extent, Big Show, in singles matches and instead put them together to form the most formidable opponents available for The Shield to face. The Shield comes out the big winners, and Dean Ambrose, the best wrestler at selling moves since Shawn Michaels, makes all the good guys look like gold in the process. I do believe either of two things will happen: Shield debuts a new rookie member, or Orton will receive his long-rumored heel turn, if not during the match, then afterwords. In typical Shield fashion, it won’t be a clean win.
Sloppy’s Prediction: The Shield

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

Before I get into this match, I feel obligated to give everyone the following disclaimer: Do not gamble on Wrestlemania. Seriously. It’s fucking wrestling and there is absolutely no reason why any sane person would gamble on the outcome of these matches. Yes, I did gamble on Wrestlemania last year, but that wasn’t an intelligent decision. I haven’t decided whether I will repeat that stupid decision again this year, but you should not follow my lead if I do. You cannot comprehend how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that you’ve just wagered your hard-earned dollars on professional fucking wrestling. The emotional toll that accompanies such a decision is something that I’d only wish on my worst enemies, because screw those guys. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m going to watch Wrestlemania this year. (Seriously, get it together WWE writers.) Once again, DO NOT GAMBLE ON WRESTLEMANIA!

Okay, the first thing you need to know about gambling on Wrestlemania is that the lines never make sense. The key is to pick a few favorable underdogs and hope that a couple of them hit. Last year I used that strategy and hit on three different matches, (Kane, The Rock and somebody else who is currently slipping my mind) and won something like $275 on the night – really stupid stuff. The majority of the matches will be stay aways, because the underdog doesn’t have a good enough payout to make it a worthwhile bet, and the $3.75 that you could win from putting the max bet on the favorite ($50 where I bet) isn’t worth the risk.

As for this match, I’d actually consider taking Orton, Sheamus and the Big Show at +375. I don’t think they’ll win, but they have enough of a chance to make it worthwhile. The Shield storyline has gone to shit, and one good way to salvage it would be to create some dysfunction within their group. A Wrestlemania loss would be a great way to get the ball rolling on that storyline that I just pulled out of thin air. Also, despite my vehement hatred for Orton and Sheamus, the fans like them and that could be enough to give them the nod in this one. Again, I still think The Shield will win, but at +375, why not roll the dice?

I just came back to this. I’d originally picked Orton, Sheamus and Big Show, but you know what? Wrestlemania is one of the few times that you can feel good about betting with your heart. I like The Big Show but I really hate his teammates and I will not bet on them for a measly +375.

LATE SCRATCH, STAY AWAY

Chris Jericho vs. Fandango

Sweaty: What the hell has Fandango even done to receive the honor of even being in the same ring as Jericho? “Hey Chris, will you put over this guy we think may be pretty good someday by appearing in the same ring as him in Wrestlemania?” 
Sweaty’s Prediction: Jericho via pinfall, but will sell this guy because he believes in some sort of wrestling code. 

Brian: When the Fandango vignettes started in the November I never could have even joked about this being what they were building towards. I imagined the best case scenario was a short feud with Brodus Clay about dancing followed by fading into obscurity. Reality ended up much more ridiculous and incredible. He has become insanely obsessed with people properly pronouncing his name, and obsessed with showing he is a serious threat. Without even having a match yet, they have made Fandango into a threat that doesn’t look out of place on a Wrestlemania card. For how little faith we have in the WWE writing staff, they managed to nail ballroom dancer with the name of a movie ticket website. Unless you search “Fandango gay” on twitter, but don’t be stupid and twitter search things.

Glad part-time wrestler, part-time musician, part-time host of a robot boxing show Chris Jericho is back to make this work.
Brian’s Prediction: Fandango wins and shows that he can wrestle. Then at Wrestlemania 30 he beats John Cena, the Rock and the Undertaker in a handicap match while holding every single title at once. Wrestling is forever changed for the better. All hail Fandango, future president of Earth.  Unless Jericho brings the boxing robots, then Fandango is doomed.

Big Sloppy: My undying love for Chris Jericho is no secret. Hell, I even named my dog after him. Which is why this match hurts my heart a little bit. It’s not that I don’t believe that a match with Fandango won’t be good; it just doesn’t feel right. The feud feels rushed, as three weeks ago I thought Jericho would be in the Intercontinental title hunt at Wrestlemania. I also don’t think that someone’s very first match should come at Wrestlemania, unless you are absolutely sure that he will be a can’t miss headliner. I see the whole dancing gimmick, as entertaining as it is now, to quickly lose steam. Can you really picture a character based off of a dancing reality TV show to be headlining Wrestlemania a year from now? I know this will be an entertaining match, as every Chris Jericho ‘Mania match is. But I’m also pretty sure that Y2J will be dropping this match. Yes, I know in a world of fake wins and losses, it doesn’t mean anything; but as a fan, I still want to see my favorite pull off a win. 
Sloppy’s Prediction: Faaan-daaaahhn-gooooo

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

A Fandango win here would make all the sense in the world. If I recall correctly, Jericho’s WWE contract only runs through Wrestlemania, and the long-standing tradition is to go out lying down. (In order to boost the existing talent that you’re leaving behind.) That said, I love Y2J, and hope he wins. Fuck it.

JERICHO +375

Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay and Tensai) and the Funkadactyls (Cameron and Naomi) vs. Team Rhodes Scholars (Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow) and The Bella Twins (Brie and Nikki Bella)

Sweaty: Holy Christ balls, I can’t believe I typed that whole thing. The Bella Twins’ new boobs make their Wrestlemania debut.
Sweaty’s prediction: No nip slips Tons of Funk via DQ.

Brian: From Akeem the African Dream, to Rikishi to now Brodus Clay and Sweet T (Formerly the Hip Hop Hippo.), wrestling loves fat guys that are terrible at dancing. Brodus Clay was last seen at Wrestlemania dancing with a bunch of mommas, yes that did happen and no you can’t block it out and pretend it never happened. Sweet T was last seen at Wrestlemania losing to the Undertaker, so welcome back? Naomi once wrestled on NXT in a Hamburger Helper costume, and Cameron is the only person left from the last Tough Enough where she told Stone Cold her favorite match ever was Melina vs Alicia Fox. Wrestling is weird.

Cody Rhodes has a mustache and is best friends with Damien Sandow, which in the “WWE universe” is strange and homosexual. Even stranger than the guy who claims to be a dancing dinosaur from the planet Funk.

The Bella Twins are back, so huzzah? Go breasts?
Brian’s Prediction: Fat dancing men win. Fat dancing men dance. Children might dance with fat dancing men. Don’t call the authorities, the children dancing with the fat dancing men are somewhat safe.

Big Sloppy: In my opinion, one of the easiest matches to call on the card. Individually, Tensai and Brodus Clay are high level jobbers, while Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes are still considered to have very bright futures. It only makes sense to give your future headliners the rub at the biggest event of the year. Not only that, but after the Bella Twins took a leave of absence from the company to work on their physical appearance (read: boob job), this will set them up to be heavily showcased, giving me plenty of opportunities to fast forward through their DVR’d matches in the future. Rhodes Scholars/Bellas win the match playing dirty pool, the good guys gain the upper hand post-match, and then dance. Everyone goes home happy. But not really, because you just sat through that. 
Sloppy’s Prediction: Rhodes Scholars/Bellas

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw: 

They don’t even have a line for this, which is a good thing. I hate the dance dance revolution. Let Naomi break away from the group, become a real wrestler and then end this train wreck of a gimmick.

Brock Lesner vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Sweaty: Just bring the Connecticut Blueblood gimmick back for Christ’s sake. I have never met HHH, but something tells me that that gimmick better suits him than the wearing a leather jacket and blue jeans gimmick. Speaking of ring attire, is Brock still sponsored by Jimmy John’s.
Sweaty’s Prediction: I’d rather eat a Jimmy John’s sandwich than Stephanie McMahon’s pie. (Rock promo anyone?) Lesner by KO.

Brian: BORK LASER BORK LASER BORK LASER BORK LASER. Ok now that is out of my system. This match should the most violent of the night. Expect both to bleed, mostly because Brock Lesnar is insane and might occasionally forget it isn’t a real fight. Everyone assumes Triple H is winning this match to “get his win back” and due to the internet’s collective twitch whenever he does or says anything. This isn’t helped by moments like randomly punting Wade Barrett in the groin. Also not being helped by the bizarre portion of the build that Triple H had to basically be tricked into no holds barred and putting his part-time career on the line. Two stipulations he could have just accepted, and nobody would have questioned it.
Brian’s Prediction: Brock Lesnar wins. Triple H, the television character, is hated on the internet for many good reasons. Moments like kicking Barrett in the groin, promos that go on for too long, times where he has been billed as the most unstoppable force in WWE and many more. At the end this seems to be best, Brock Lesnar stays a monster and Triple H falls fighting to the last breath (figuratively, I don’t think he is literally going to die). HBK can carry him off, and Triple H can get his “last” moment. Don’t worry, if you hate Triple H, the 15 minute farewell promo the next night should fill you up. Also when he comes back for another match ignoring the stipulation of this match by telling everyone to “suck it.” Enjoy the loss now, because the next DX Reunion is always lurking like the serial murderer sitting outside in your bushes.

Big Sloppy: Another match without a real clear cut favorite. Word on the street (or on shitty wrestling websites where 90% of the information ends up being false) Brock Lesnar is sticking around to work the big events for another year. Lesnar is 1-1 in PPV matches since coming back, with a loss to Cena and a win over HHH. Mr. H’s career is on the line, but I have a hard time believing that he’ll go out like this, to a part timer. I see him going the Flair/HBK route and being taken out by a respected performer when his time comes. But will WWE allow Brock to fall to 1-2 on primary PPVs? In this case, I say yes. Shawn Michaels will be in Hunter’s corner, but I say Vince is the difference in the match, screwing over Lesnar and Heyman. I’ll go out on a limb and say that HHH makes one more run at a championship off of his momentum of a big ‘Mania win.
Sloppy’s Prediction: Triple H

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

I don’t care for HHH. I think he’s the type of guy who would only lose a Wrestlemania match if he felt that it was really good for the brand. (see: past WM Undertaker matches) I don’t think Lesnar will be around long enough to make it worthwhile for HHH to lose.

STAY AWAY

Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston

Sweaty: I have long despised Kane, and by long despised, I mean ever since his debut. That being written, I find myself caring for Kane much more now than I ever did before thanks in large part to Daniel Bryan. 

Sweaty’s Prediction: Team Hell No, because Ziggler is going to cash in his Money in the Bank later, so I doubt that they will let him hold both the Tag and Heavyweight titles.

Brian: All I want for this match is for Daniel Bryan to have a real match at Wrestlemania. His first Wrestlemania match against Sheamus got pushed back to the preshow, then was turned into a battle royal at the last moment. Last year he lost to Sheamus in 18 seconds. So my only hope for this match is that it gets time, and maybe for Big E Langston to wear more clothing.

The Daniel Bryan/Kane tag team is on its last legs. They have done about everything they can with this run as wacky tag team, and it is almost time to break them up. This Wrestlemania match seems like a good time to start moving them apart. They don’t have to hate each other, they can hug and slowly drift apart. At least that is how it works in my fan fiction, they do something else in my slash fiction. Speaking of my slash fiction, this is Big E Langston’s first match on TV. If they win he can join the elite club of people to win titles in their first match, with such legends as Santino Marella.
Brian’s Prediction: Ziggler and Big E win with Ziggler pinning Bryan. This is tough though, if Ziggler is cashing in then I would say they lose. I’m assuming that he isn’t, and that AJ will try to distract someone, Kaitlyn will attack her, chaos will break out, then Ziggler will steal the win.

Big Sloppy: This is a tough one for me, because both Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler severely need to break away as singles competitors, and soon. The “WWE Universe” (stupid) loves cheering for Bryan because he’s genuinely entertaining (more so than Ziggler.) Meanwhile, Ziggler has been lugging around that stupid briefcase for months on end, apparently no where near a backstage monitor whenever The Rock (or C.M. Punk before that) has been laid out in the middle of the ring. Not a great sign when the WWE has to pair you up with Vickie, then AJ, then Big E, just to try and get you a reaction. Someone get this man a catchphrase, or a dumb hand gesture to emulate.

So, I guess I’ll go with Dolph/Big E in this one. Team Hell No has run its course, while at least Langston could benefit from the championship win, even though it feels like a step back for Ziggler. That, and I really want to see crazy AJ do more skipping around the ring.
Sloppy’s Prediction: Ziggler/Langston

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

Just look at that fucking line.

STAY AWAY

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

Sweaty: I love the idea that Alberto is being sold as some guy that can relate to the people. “The people” being poor, white folk. Speaking as a poor white folk, I am firmly behind Jack Swagger because he likes to smoke weed and drive fast in that order.
Sweaty’s Prediction: Zeb Colter lures Alberto out of the ring with a plate full of cocaine, Jack Swagger wins by count out. Ziggler cashes his Money in the Bank on a totally coked out Del Rio.

Brian: If you haven’t figured it out, Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter do not like foreigners, to the extent that they won’t even listen to Jukebox Hero.  My hope is that Jack Swagger has a 50 foot tall Don’t Tread on Me flag to unfurl behind as he makes his entrance. My other hope is that Zeb Colter wears a special Wrestlemania fishing vest. I bet Zeb has a lot of neat lures in there.
Brian’s Prediction: Del Rio wins. This is the one match I am least sure of. Swagger could win this easily building to Del Rio chasing him down to win the belt back. I think what happens instead is Del Rio wins with some help from Ricardo and Swagger gets another shot and wins at Extreme Rules. Dolph Ziggler could also cash in and mess all of that up.

Big Sloppy: This match is my bet to open the show (not counting the Miz/Wade Barrett “pre-show” match.) Zeb Couter has singlehandedly saved Jack Swagger’s career, and it started well before the DUI incident. Before being rebranded, he was on a level with Zach Ryder and Great Khali in terms of jobbing. Zeb has been vastly entertaining (seriously, follow him on twitter,) and is the mouthpiece that Swagger has needed ever since he was a child, when mama and papa Swagger wouldn’t shell out the money for speech impediment correction. But just because Coulter is entertaining doesn’t make Swagger entertaining in the ring. He just seems boring and methodical to me, as if he wrestles at a pace of a 500 pounder. Del Rio isn’t exactly Mr. Excitement either, but he works stiff as all hell, which makes it look more believable. Del Rio retains in this match up, if only because I don’t believe Swagger would be rewarded still so close to his arrest.
Sloppy’s Prediction: Del Rio

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

They can’t possibly let Swagger win after some of the shit he’s said, can they?

STAY AWAY

Ryback vs Mark Henry

Sweaty: Oh my Christ, if I hear someone refer to Ryback as Goldberg one more time, I’m going to go ape shit. GOLDBERG WAS UNDE-FUCKING-FEATED AND THE GREATEST WRESTLER OF ALL TIME NOT SOME GODDAMN NXT REJECT.
Sweaty’s Prediction: Mark Henry with the pinfall after a Mae Young run in.

Brian: Two big strong dudes want to beat each other up to see who is bigger and stronger. This is all you need to know. It is simple and effective.
Brian’s Prediction: Ryback wins. The question is whether he can actually shellshock Mark Henry. I’m going to assume he can, because this match seems pointless otherwise. A win by just a clothesline, or even a slam would take away from the moment they are trying to give him. As much as I would like Mark Henry to win, because no wrestler in WWE history has dealt with having as many hand babies as he has, this isn’t his time. He can be built right back up to be a threat quickly.

Big Sloppy: I hate watching big, plodding wrestlers, Henry more so than Ryback. Hey, could be worse. Khali doesn’t have anything going on Sunday night. Ryback needs this win more for his character. He’s still viewed as the future, while Henry is a cheeseburger or two away from joining Paul Bearer in the big wrestling ring in the sky. Ryback has been screwed over on all of his high profile matches, so it makes sense to finally reward him with a big win on the biggest stage. Who knows how it will end, though. If Ryback couldn’t hit the Shell Shock finisher on Tensai a few months ago, we’d risk seeing his legs go full on Kevin Ware if he tried to get Henry up.
Sloppy’s Prediction: Ryback

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

Ryback botched his shellshock on Lord Tensai awhile back, and if he struggled with Prince Albert, I don’t see how he’s going to get Henry up. I also don’t see Ryback winning a match without shellshocking someone. Even his handicap matches require the multi-shellshock victims to lock legs prior to getting picked up. Seriously, watch the goddamn replay of last week. (or was it two weeks ago?) The dudes had to lock legs for it to work. Also, I hate Ryback.

HENRY +350

The Undertaker vs CM Punk

Sweaty: Good job, WWE, for using the real life death of Paul Bearer as part of your storyline. It’s things like this, doing it with a character like CM Punk, that gives me hope that the WWE is trending toward getting a TV-MA rating. However, this is a double-edged sword for some, because there may be a few people who long for the days of the Attitude Era but now have kids you’d they’d like to get into wrestling. Screw you, I don’t have kids.
Sweaty’s Prediction: I’d like to think that the WWE would let Punk end The Undertaker’s winning streak as some sort of consolation for having to job to The Rock, I know better because I’m a realist. Undertaker wins via pinfall.

Brian: The question will always be what this feud was going to be before the death of Paul Bearer. We certainly wouldn’t have the moment to end Raw of CM Punk dumping an urn full of ashes on the Undertaker. Punk has become the 90s WWE cartoonish villain that the Undertaker needs. He may as well come out at Mania with the urn melted down as a gold chain and claiming he is also working as a trash man. Punk is the Blue Brothers car, a chain and casket away from becoming Big Bossman in the best way. Without the death, this would have been Punk claiming his streak is just as impressive, and that he was better and not scared. This match should be 1994 levels of cartoonish WWE. I want the urn to spew green mist out of it, I want Undertaker to pull out a body bag, I want multiple Undertakers, I want multiple Doinks, and Leslie Neilsen should be there.
Brian’s Prediction: CM Punk wi…. HAHA. No, Undertaker totally wins, because Undertaker. But with enough alcohol and a good match they can convince you it is possible for the Undertaker to lose.

Big Sloppy: With all due respect, the WWE got a huge break with the timing of the death of Paul Bearer. With Undertaker not coming back until a month out from Wrestlemania, it would have been a hard go of things to give this match its proper build up. It would have been the same old “End the Streak” story line that has been trotted out year after year. Not so this year. Yes, the Streak is still a primary focus; however, the personal attacks have added a new layer to this match. The druids and the fake Paul Bearer was a great touch to end Raw on Monday, with the ashes being dumped on Taker after a severe beating. Even the Undertaker acknowledged his streak may end this year, but promised that CM Punk “will never live to talk about it.” And that’s precisely why the Streak won’t end – because they’ve already won by planting seeds of doubt in the fans that it just might be the year. Taker wins again, and CM Punk gets to add another potential Match of the Year to his resume.
Sloppy’s Prediction: Undertaker

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

Last year I bet on HHH. The emotional roller coaster of that match took its toll on me, and I’ve learned my lesson. The WWE just wants you to think that there’s a chance that Taker can lose, but then he’ll overcome the odds and win. This is unfortunate, because watching The Undertaker nowadays is a lot like [any athlete who stuck around too long and destroyed their legacy] play [their sport] at the end of his career. It really pains me to say this, but I really want The Undertaker to just go away forever.

STAY AWAY

The Rock vs John Cena

Sweaty: This is interesting. John Cena, the man who the WWE continues to jam down our throat as the anti-antihero (hero), is finally kind of working on me now. Well, it doesn’t hurt that he’s going up against a wrestler in The Rock, who used to be an antihero in his day, but now is just an actor who feels he needs to be in Mr. Olympia shape in order to star in and promote six movies in two months.
Sweaty’s Prediction: Worst case scenario, a Rock win guarantees that there are at least 6 more movies that The Rock has a role in that will need promoting. I don’t know if there is or not, but I’m just going to assume there is. The Rock via pinfall, after about eight People’s Elbows.

Brian: Once in the lifetime two, 2Lifetime 2Furious! Last year’s loss sent John Cena into a slump that saw him beating Brock Lesnar at the next PPV, winning the Slammy for Superstar of the Year and entering a relationship with one of the Bellas. What a tough life, don’t know how John made it. The Rock has also shown up a few times in this feud to remind us he is the champion, still has catchphrases, and to mock you because Fast 6 isn’t out yet. Cena looked even more insane the weeks he was rambling about the importance of the match and The Rock wasn’t there and didn’t even have a message for him. He may as well have been yelling in a mirror only to freak out when he saw the Rock’s reflection in it.

Last year’s match feature a lot of Cena looking around, while the Rock took a nap. The match dragged on for 10 minutes, because at times it looked like Cena had no idea what to do to kill the time. It made a bunch of money though, and I hear that is what the WWE’s goal is. So I guess they couldn’t not do it again.
Brian’s Prediction: Cena wins and the Rock vanishes back to the world of blowing stuff up and driving cars fast. Cena might try a underhanded tricks to win, but won’t change his character. He will just win and become champion. Everything will be the same again. Next PPV Cena will talk about how he is the underdog and how no one thinks he can win. Perhaps one more feud of THERE IS NO WAY JOHN CENA CAN LIFT THE BIG SHOW.  At some point he will change the color of his shirt. Should be fun! Long live jortsman!

The last few weeks have offered some glimmer of hope this may give us the long (pretend I wrote long another 700 times) needed John Cena character change. I can promise the match will have a Rock Bottom, a sharpshooter, a People’s Elbow, an Attitude Adjustment, a STF and a Five Knuckle Shuffle.

Big Sloppy: A year ago, I was thinking to myself “OMG. This is a Once in a Lifetime match that we’ll never see again! I should enjoy every second of this!” OK, not really. I do remember, however, being very pissed off that The Rock won last year. Not that I’m a Cena fan; haven’t been since his “Thug Life” phase. But I am a fan of wrestling, and remember thinking that it was bad business for Rock to show up and beat the company’s biggest draw, only to turn around and leave again. I’m glad that Rock, at least in a part time role, stuck around long enough to carry out a feud with Punk and reignite his feud with Cena. This gives the WWE the chance to even the score and rebuild Cena with the use of the belt, which I actually think he needs now more than ever over the last few years. I don’t think it will be an entirely entertaining match from a wrestling standpoint, but it is sure to get the best crowd reaction, along with the Taker/Punk match. Cena’s speech on Monday night about how he wouldn’t change the belt after he wins it pretty much seals it for me that he’ll have his hand raised at the end of the night, and he and Rock will have the ol’ good guy respect handshake at the end.
Sloppy’s Prediction: John Cena
Sloppy’s Rankings by Potential Entertainment:

1. Undertaker vs. Punk
2. Jericho vs. Fandango
3. Rock vs. Cena
4. Shield vs. Orton/Show/Sheamus
5. Lesnar vs. HHH
6. Del Rio vs. Swagger
7. Team Hell No vs. Ziggler/Langston
8. Ryback vs. Henry
9. Every stupid backstage skit, cameo, etc.
10. Video packages you’ve already seen two dozen times leading up to Wrestlemania
11. The screen at the end that notifies you the PPV has concluded
12. Tons of Funk vs. Rhodes Scholars 

Gambling Outlook – Sgt. Hammerclaw:

Yeah. Cena’s going to win and I don’t like The Rock.

STAY AWAY

To quickly recap, that gives us a grand total of two matches that I’d consider betting on this year. That’s as underwhelming as it gets folks, but based on this year’s lines, I wasn’t the only person who took advantage of the noticably higher moneylines for the underdogs last year. Let’s take a quick look at the ticket:

To reiterate: DO NOT BET ON WRESTLEMANIA. I certainly won’t be. Well, maybe I will, but probably not. Hell, I don’t even think I’m going to be ordering it this year because the storylines have become so weak. I legitimately don’t care about any of these matches. Not one. I hope The Undertaker loses, but that’s about it, and I don’t think I want to subject myself to paying top dollar for crushing disappointment.

However, if Brandon Stroud’s (if you don’t read his weekly Raw recaps on With Leather, you should start doing that immediately) Cena heel-turn prediction ends up coming to fruition, that would be incredible. I’d be roped right back into wrestling almost immediately. If he somehow aligned with Punk, my favorite wrestler, that’d be even better. God damnit, maybe I will order it now. Enjoy Wrestlemania everyone! I’ll just be sitting here staring at the betting ticket contemplating whether or not I’m actually about to go down this sad, lonely, desolate road again.

You remember that movie The New Guy, where the gawky, miserable teenager transfers schools after being expelled and serving time in prison and immediately attains rock star status amongst his classmates through a serious of both planned and unplanned events? It has nothing to do with the Nats, I was just reminiscing about how fucking terrible that movie was.

For the Nationals, life atop the NL East appears to be the status quo. With two legitimate staff aces and Cy Young candidates heading the rotation, a deep, clutch bullpen (yes, yes, Drew Storen NLDS rage anger threaten his family with bandsaws), and top talent at just about every position on the field, only the Nats themselves can ruin their claim to the division. Last season ended on a sour note in the playoffs, but even reaching that stage was something of an accomplishment after finishing at or below .500 every year in their brief history. Considering they won 18 more games than 2011, 29 more than 2010 and 39 more than 2009, well, that steady amount of growth means something is going right. With the core of the team young and improving, D.C. could host a World Series game for the first time in 80 years.

How’d The Offseason Go?

Not much changed here. Rafael Soriano came in to close after keeping Mariano Rivera’s seat warm in New York. Dan Haren has also signed on, though this is much less newsworthy than it would have been in 2011. Edwin Jackson chases his fortunes with yet another team after a decent year for the Nats, and Chien-Ming Wang will join the Yankees’ minor league system with one last shot at making a Major League rotation. Tom Gorzelanny and John Lannan have also departed, bringing the comedic value of this team’s pitching staff down to a record low.

Tradewise? Mike Morse goes to the Baseball Seahawks Mariners in a 3-way trade for 3 prospects from the A’s and Denard Span comes from the Twins in exchange for pitching prospect Alex Meyer. Can’t hurt, I reckon.

The Nationals Will Make The Playoffs If

*checks other National League rosters* Yeah, they’re all set.

The Nationals Will Miss the Playoffs If

I dunno. I guess there’s a chance World War 3 will start by October.

How The Season Will Go

How’s The Farm?

Considering this team is pretty much locked in both on the hitting and pitching sides, there aren’t many notables out there. Top prospect Anthony Rendon isn’t moving up to 3rd while Ryan Zimmerman is in town, and the outfield is stocked, preventing the likes of Eury Perez or Destin Hood from moving forward. Short of Christian Garcia, who is currently on the DL, don’t expect to see any new faces stick around the pitching staff this year.

Looking for more? Umm… Lenny Dykstra’s kid is currently in the organization. So that’s neat, huh? His name’s Cutter, and he’s more well-known for impregnating HBO Series stars than playing baseball.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

This team is not hurting for talent. Going around the horn, only Danny Espinosa stands out as a poor investment at his position. Ian Desmond is a top shortstop option, a 20-20 candidate with decent counting stats. The only risk is batting average given his propensity for strikeouts and a low walk rate, and his power might regress to home runs in the low teens if he returns to a 50%+ groundball rate. I would definitely draft Ryan Zimmerman with confidence, and Adam LaRoche strikes me as a value option at 1B. He’s being drafted outside of the top 20 on average there, behind even a battered David Ortiz.

In outfield, Bryce Harper is being hyped as an MVP candidate. I don’t see it myself as I can’t ignore his 2 month long slump last summer, and he still has a ways to go for figuring out lefties, but a finish inside the top 10 at outfield is still possible and nothing to sneeze at. Denard Span should finally take the next step as a fantasy option with a very strong line-up batting behind him. Target him for a solid average, 80-90 runs, and 20+ steal upside. Based on this spring, Jayson Werth could deliver at a discount… he’s currently going outside the top 50 for outfielders due to the recovery from his wrist surgery.

For pitching, you can’t go wrong with any of the top 3 options of Strasburg, Gonzalez, and Zimmerman. All three should deliver at least equal value at their respective draft positions, especially with Strasburg not looking at an innings limit this year. On the other hand, Dan Haren’s underlying stats couldn’t say “stay away” any clearer if they were waving red flags while standing underneath a piano hanging from dental floss. I’d rather let him go undrafted than spend a pick to find out if he’s actually done. Ross Detwiler, the fifth starter, might actually be worth owning. You can’t start him against everyone, but he is very risk-averse and won’t kill you on your ratios.

For relievers, Drew Storen and Tyler Clippard would have been the options for closing had Rafael Soriano not parlayed his excellent 2012 season into a free agent contract. He has been absolutely abysmal this spring, and considering both Storen and Clippard are proven in the late innings (yes, yes, Storen NLDS rabble flabble four runs razzum frazzum), don’t be surprised if Soriano gets yanked should he stumble. For what it’s worth, my money is on Storen closing by the end of the year with Clippard being the most valuable reliever overall.

Projected Finish in the NL East?

1st. Their days of being the NL East’s pinata continue to fade away into the distance.

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“Does anybody else feel jealous and aroused and worried?”

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.

My apologies if this isn’t quite as biting as some other pieces. I’ve been ragging on the Barves for so long now that the snark tank is almost empty, and the promise of potential success has me quite randy. Actually, if I might take this space to bitch about the new wildcard play-in rule that fucked over the Braves last year… no, no, I won’t do that either. Let’s talk about sex.

You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they do some nasty things to each other. 9 months later, a baby comes out. 26 years later, that baby spends the better part of 3 months annihilating NL hitters and steals my heart, only to shatter it in a wildcard play-in game against the Cardinals. And yet, and yet… I cannot stay away. I spend the better part of March resisting every urge to spend all of my auction draft money on him.

Kris Medlen, you are Body’s unreasonable sports crush of 2013. May God have mercy on your soul.

How’d The Offseason Go?

[plays Taps for Chipper Jones's career]

The Braves are finally moving on at third base after saying so long to one of the greatest switch hitters to ever play. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.

[realizes Juan Francisco is now the full-time starter at third]

[weeps bitterly]

Sorry about that. Anyway, the big move this offseason was helping the Diamondbacks assuage their white guilt by graciously accepting all-star outfielder Justin Upton and third baseman Chris Johnson in exchange for Martin Prado, Randall Delgado, and a couple prospects. I’m not going to say it was a steal because Prado was an incredibly versatile player and a team-first guy, but damn does this outfield look good now.

Who else? Jordan Schafer rejoins the team after being sent to the Astros for Michael Bourn. I’m sure he signed the contract saying “Fool me once…” They signed BJ Upton as a free agent after the Rays let him walk. Overall, he’s an upgrade over Michael Bourn, but he’s going to have some ugly games at the plate. They also signed Ramiro Pena to serve as some depth at shortstop and second base… in other words, the Braves don’t have any depth in the infield. Lastly, they traded Tommy Hanson to the Angels for Jordan Walden, a move that makes sense considering the rotation depth they have and the lack of bullpen depth.

Notable departures? Jair Jurrjens elected free agency and was snapped up by the Orioles. Y’all have fun with that now, y’hear? Peter Moylan, my favorite relief pitcher, left and was signed by the Dodgers. I might burn their offices down for that.

The Braves Will Make The Playoffs If

The Nationals suddenly tire of winning.

The Braves Will Miss the Playoffs If

The at-bat of the season comes down to BJ Upton. Seriously, the man hits at the Mendoza line with runners in scoring position.

How The Season Will Go

How’s The Farm?

Probably the top guy to keep your eye on is Christian Bethancourt. Brian McCann hasn’t looked like a top catcher in years, and starting the season on the DL doesn’t bode well for keeping his job after he reaches free agency. It’s a shame, because he’s been a fan favorite for years. Anyway, Bethancourt comes with the opposite pedigree from McCann. He’s got the arm to gun down potential base thieves and a very steady defensive presence, compared to McCann allowing the most steals in the league on a yearly basis. Bethancourt’s bat, however, has a ways to go, and he might not be ready to take over come 2014.

Considering how stacked the Braves are at outfield, the next men up should get another year or so to develop. Todd Cunningham is a Michael Bourn kind of player, a quick defender with a steal-first mentality and a light bat with deceptive pop. He’s got a future in center field. Evan Gattis is an odd outfield/catcher hybrid who has been dazzling with his power this spring but finds himself currently backing up the replacement for McCann while he’s on the DL. He’s not terribly mobile, but he’d be able to spell Heyward or Justin Upton this year should a backup spot open up.

Pitching, quickly. The Braves trading Randall Delgado means Sean Gilmartin gets the next shot at a rotation spot. He’s ready to go, backing up a fastball and slider with a solid changeup and a very aggressive mentality. J.R. Graham is close behind with a mid-to-high 90s fastball, a slider bordering on plus level, a sinking changeup, and impressive command of all three. Expect to see spot starts from both with Graham likely locking up regular duty in late summer.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

Now this is the good stuff. It’s been awhile since a majority of the Braves team has been fantasy-relevant, and this outfield is as good as any in the league with Jason Heyward and Justin Upton being both top-5 potentials at the position. BJ Upton, on the other hand, is a better real-life baseball player than a fantasy baseball player who’ll supply you with one of the more underwhelming 20-30 campaigns, akin to Drew Stubbs circa 201o. I certainly won’t be targeting him when his best case scenario is only 80 runs and RBIs.

Around the diamond, Freddie Freeman is quickly replacing Eric Hosmer as the slightly creepy man-crush among fantasy analysts. While I don’t think quite that highly of him, a finish as a top 10 first baseman is an easy fate to predict. Dan Uggla will be frustrating as usual with his low, low, low average, but you’ll find a way to work his power in at a thin position. Andrelton Simmons has been making a name for himself in spring training, sliding him up the shortstop ranks from obscurity to the mid-teens. I targeted him as my main SS in one league, and I’m counting on his nailing down the lead-off spot on a potent team. Juan Francisco? Don’t worry about Juan Francisco. He’s a weak hitter at a strong position. Lastly, I would avoid the catcher position altogether… McCann has become quite the batting average liability, and I can’t see him getting better with his recent injury history.

For pitching, I’ve actually been surprised at where people are valuing Kris Medlen. As much love as he’s gotten from the talking heads this year, he’s still entrenched at a pretty reasonable value. If he’s falling to you near his ADP, take a chance on him. He’s backslid a bit this spring, but there weren’t any signs that his dynamite half season last year was a fluke. Tim Hudson’s not going to do much for your strikeout rate, but a solid average, whip, and win total is a near guarantee from him.

I’m not entirely sold on Paul Maholm, seeing him with an ERA closer to 4 than 3.50, and Mike Minor is a no-go for me until he can put together a decent half-season. Julio Teheran is a trendy pick for a late-round sleeper with his incredible showing this spring, but I would wager he’s still a year away from contributing consistently to your fantasy team. For relief, Craig Kimbrel is undoubtedly the best reliever in the game, but on average he’s going ahead of Billy Butler and Adam Wainwright. Adam fucking Wainwright! Let some other jitbag make that pick.

Projected Finish in the NL East?

2nd. I’m finally running out of reasons to predict failure for my Barves.

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“Lets face it, comedy’s a dead art form. Now tragedy! Ha ha ha, that’s funny.”

An earlier version of this piece mis-identified pitching prospect Sean Gilmartin as 2012 draft pick Lucas Sims. Thanks to @ZacHAttach7 for catching the error.

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.

You guys remember when the Phillies had the rotation of the century? Here, it went something like this:

How’d that work out for them, you might ask? Pretty sweet in 2011: 100+ wins and a return to the NLCS after losing to the Yankees in the World Series the year before. And then? The San Francisco Giants, the team of destiny, continued a months long hot streak and knocked them out with panache before flattening the Rangers in the World Series.

The Phillies nursed their wounds and kept the core of their rotation for another shot. Roy Oswalt was punted as his performance was the least inspiring of the 4 “good” pitchers (sorry Blanton). Vance Whorley stepped up and performed… just okay. Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee were their dominant old selves, but Roy Halladay had a season long brain shart. Best (worst?) of all, Joe Blanton had the long-awaited face plant that got him the boot. All told, the Phillies gave up 151 more runs the next year, 29% more than the previous year. With the offense slipping, there was just no way for them to compete with only 2/5 of a reliable rotation. .500 was the result, and, honestly, they can’t expect too much more this year.

How’d The Offseason Go?

In the “blockbuster” trade of the offseason, they sent Vance Whorley and Trevor May to the Twins for designated little kid Ben Revere. He’ll take over in center in one of the actually mutually beneficial trades of the offseason. They also traded serviceable reliever Josh Lindblom and prospect Lisalverto Bonilla to the Rangers for Michael Old Young (is funny joke). Young will do his best to fill in the barely mobile hole that Placido Polanco left behind at third, and his best won’t be good enough.

Delmon Young comes in, or as Twins bloggers called him, ‘elmon Young (give it a minute). He’s currently broken, but he’s slated to underwhelm in left field soon enough. Mike Adams signs on to back up Jonathan Papelbon, and he’s actually a great addition to a fairly underwhelming bullpen. They signed and released Yuniesky Betancourt, a move roughly akin to going fly fishing and catching a soggy newspaper. They did the same with Aaron Cook, a move roughly akin to going fly fishing and catching the same soggy newspaper.

Notable departures? Jose Contreras, Juan Pierre (lol), Placido Polanco, and Ty Wigginton. And they won’t be missed.

The Phillies Will Make The Playoffs If

Someone other than Ryan Howard hits a goddamn home run once in awhile.

The Phillies Will Miss the Playoffs If

It turns out that having good, young players is a winning strategy for the Braves and Nationals.

How The Season Will Go

How’s The Farm?

Eh, not great. Tommy Joseph is here as an eventual replacement for Chooch, but he doesn’t have much plate presence or speed to back up his decent defensive skills. The only real offensive players worth a damn in this system are a few years away from playing. Roman Quinn is probably the top prospect in terms of future performance. He’s the usual blazing fast, plus defender that you get from a young shortstop, but he’s developing nicely as a switch hitter and could swing a plus bat by the time he makes it to the bigs. Cody Asche could be a long-term solution at 3rd base rather than the current practice of one and done elderly stop-gaps. He certainly has the batting eye, speed, and the fielding talent for it. There are a few middling outfield prospects as well, but none of them figure to take the job from Ben Revere or Dominic Brown while they’re in town.

Pitching is looking a little better. Once their current pool of aces and not-so-aces start declining, a few youngsters should be rounding into form and making plays for the rotation. Jesse Biddle is one of those well-rounded pitchers: no dynamite weapons, but he does everything well enough to hold his own for 6+ innings. His fastball, curveball, and changeup could all develop into plus pitches. Ethan Martin, on the other hand, does one thing well, and that’s throw heat. He’s tossing in the mid-to-high 90s, backing up a brutal fastball with a decent curveball and cutter. He’s working out the kinks on his changeup and honing his control, but he could definitely get an extended look as soon as next year. If anyone’s going to kick Kyle Kendrick back to the bullpen this year, it’d be Jonathan Pettibone. He’s a lanky fastball-changeup guy with great control and an aversion to mistakes. His grounder-heavy profile should play well in the home run paradise that is the Phillies’ ballpark.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

Yeesh. Every player except Jimmy Rollins comes with a disclaimer. Michael Young is on a serious slide from his heyday when idiot Rangers bloggers would vote him MVP. He’s got great position eligibility, but he’s been barely a replacement level at each spot. Chase Utley is being held together by chewing gum and scotch tape. Ryan Howard is entering the Mark Reynolds drunken swing phase of his career. Delmon Young is broken. Carlos Ruiz displayed phenomenal focus last year, but that’s what scarfing down Adderall will get ya (also a 25 game suspension to start the year). Ben Revere can name all 600-odd Pokemon but can’t hit a ball past the shortstop. Eh… draft any of them if you absolutely have to, but you’re going to need a shower after.

Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee are no-brainers for pitchers. Pay for them proudly, then set them and forget them. What about old man Roy Halladay? Truth be told, his peripherals really, REALLY worry me. I don’t think he’s going to be the same old Roy. I’m so not sold on him that I wouldn’t draft him in the first 10 rounds. Perpetual man-child Kyle Kendrick will probably spend all season in the rotation rather than bouncing in and out. He could pitch brilliantly or make you want to tear your (his) hair out. My money’s on the latter this year. He’s overdue for a shit-show. Rounding out the rotation is John Lannan. Just don’t.

For relief pitching? Papelbon is about as sure a bet for closer there is not named Kimbrel or Rivera. I would grab him and his setup guy, Mike Adams, as well if you have room. Both will help you with your ratios very nicely, and if Papelbon goes down, you’ve got a nice, safe handcuff.

Projected Finish in the NL East?

3rd. They’re straddling the line between “eh” and *shrug*.

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn’t taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom’s VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.”

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.

I do not envy Mets fans. Whereas the Marlins were busy embarrassing themselves on the field, the Mets have been doing a great job of it there as well as everywhere else. A good rule of thumb: unless your owner is Mark Cuban, you do not want their name appearing in the news, and even then, not next to a name like Bernie Madoff. Fred Wilpon might have been the next owner to have his MLB team seized right out from under him, and oh how glorious that would have been. At least the Dodgers had a good reason for theirs; shared ownership of the team involved with a messy divorce needed mediation from the league. But this? This would have been Wilpon losing the team because of being duped by a con artist. Unfortunately, it seems like that dramatic bullet was dodged, so for now, we just get to watch the team continue to pick up the pieces. Let’s watch, shall we?

How’d The Offseason Go?

Like most people who are terrible with money and trying to fund a bad habit, they traded away part of their organization for cash, that part being pitcher Elvin Ramirez. Notable signings include gimpy free agent Shaun Marcum and shitty free agent Corey Patterson. Remember the yearly pieces by some brainiac sabermetrician who says this is the year Patterson has put it all together? Fun times, fuckos. LaTroy Hawkins makes the Mets his 12th stop in his quest to piss off at least half of the world’s MLB fans. At least he confuses and infuriates me, and I assume that to be the case for anyone else who lays eyes on him.

Anything else? They signed Marlon Byrd, because it’s just not a party unless you go digging around in the Cubs’ and Red Sox’s trash. Brandon Lyon also comes in as a free agent. The Mets are hoping that three awful closers can form up like Voltron and produce something resembling Francisco Rodriguez.

Notable losses to free agency include Mike Pelfrey, Andres Torres, Jon Rauch, Ronny Cedeno, Scott Hairston, Kelly Shoppach, and Chris Young. These are notable not because the players themselves are notable but because they were awful, and the Mets replaced them with players who are even more awful.

Last and certainly least? Jason Bay is gone. Released. His greatest accomplishment was disappointing fans whose expectations were already set comically low.

The Mets Will Make The Playoffs If

Fred Wilpon uses his mafia connections to break every kneecap in the NL East.

The Mets Will Miss the Playoffs If

Their ballpark gets repossessed.

How The Season Will Go

How’s The Farm?

Gotta start with Travis D’Arnaud, the #1 catching prospect in the league. The Mets top prospect was actually secretly developed in the Blue Jays’ laboratory, so the Mets can’t take too much credit for him. He’s going to be the backstop they sorely need, this year if possible, a thumping hitter with solid defensive skills. He’s the only rookie you should expect to see this year; the nearest players, such as outfielders Cesar Puello and Brandon Nimmo, are far too raw to get even a shot at the main stage for at least another year.

The Mets are surprisingly rich in hurlers. A notable pitcher coming up is Zack Wheeler, a fireballer with three other decent pitches who is close to developing into a complete package. With injury risks Johan Santana and Shaun Marcum on the team, he’s one bad tendon flex away from getting to prove his worth. Noah Syndergaard is a towering, lanky pitcher who already has a mid-90s fastball and is working on his secondary offerings to decent success already. Expect to start hearing his name next year as he gets some work in spring training.

Already getting some spring time is Rafael Montero. He’s got 4 pitches in his mix, the weakest probably his curve ball. Look for the Mets to really find out what he’s got by 2014, leading to a possible audition for the rotation sometime next year. Luis Mateo is a more straightforward fastball-slider kind of guy, but he’s already fanning batters with a vengeance at the A level. Lastly, Michael Fulmer should see some time in the Majors by the end of 2015.  Scouts see good things down the road from his fastball and slider, and his control was already impressing last year for (then) 19 year old.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

On offense, there are all of 4 fantasy-relevant players, which is honestly better than I would have expected. Ike Davis, he of the molasses-slow start last year, is the token power option in this joint. His skill set is either crushing the ball and looking good doing it or swinging and missing so bad that even Adam Dunn feels sorry for him. In all honesty, the guy is due for a hell of a bounce-back year. I own him in every league and am expecting about a .260 average, 30-35 home runs, and at least 90 RBIs. Not bad for a fella who is going in the 11th round. David Wright is a no-brainer here. If you’re going to take a 3B high, and you don’t get Miguel Cabrera, Wright is your guy. Lucas Duda, if he could finally figure his shit out, is a borderline draftable outfielder. He’s got the potential for 25 home runs and 80 RBIs, but he’s prone to just some miserable stretches of play. Finally, if you need an all-around great utility guy, Daniel Murphy is a solid waiver option. When he gets stretches of playing time, he contributes a high average and decent counting stats.

For pitching, I’m going to go out on a limb (i.e. echo every fantasy analyst ever this year) and say the only two fantasy relevant pitchers this year will be Jonathan Niese and Matt Harvey. Shaun Marcum’s health is suspect, as is Dillon Gee’s consistency, and Johan Santana has not been able to keep it all together for awhile. For the bullpen, Frank Francisco is ostensibly the closer, but the man is just absolute dogshit in the role. Bobby Parnell will likely get the majority of the saves this year, and he’ll barely hang onto the job. Neither one is really a roster requirement, especially with the lack of save opportunities this team will likely pass along.

Projected Finish in the NL East?

4th, and that’s only because one team in the division spent the offseason jabbing rusty needles into its own chest.

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“I’ve found a loophole. It says here that we can renew the mortgage for the building by actually paying it. All we need is… eleven million dollars.”

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write 500 words about the Marlins… so here we go.

How’d The Offseason Go?

Well, we can’t go without highlighting the horrendous betrayal of trust that was the trade with the Blue Jays. Josh Johnson, Jose Reyes, Emilio Bonifacio, Mark Buehrle, and John Buck all got the boot in return for… you know what, no, I can’t do this. The Blue Jays flew down to Miami and took a shit in their batting helmets, and the Marlins thanked them for the opportunity to wear them.

So after you’ve pissed yourself, you might as well keep pissing, right? They brought on Matt Diaz, who is perfectly content to ride the pine in the twilight of his career. Jon Rauch signs on to pitch the eighth ahead of Steve Cishek. Watching his six-foot-eleven frame slump as homeruns fly over his head will be the biggest source of entertainment for this team. The usual background names signed on here as well: Kevin Slowey, Matt Downs, Kevin Kouzmanoff, and Chad Qualls will be borderline useless on this team. They signed and released Chone Figgins all within the span of 8 weeks. That’s an impressive turnaround of buyer’s remorse in the sports world. Casey Kotchman brings his empty batting average and unnaturally white teeth to play first base, and it’s an unfortunate fact that he truly is the best option for them there.

Oh yeah, here’s Juan Pierre. Beautiful.

The Marlins Will Make The Playoffs If

The Marlins Will Miss the Playoffs If

The MLB still exists come October.

How The Season Will Go

How’s The Farm?

DOOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAAAAARE.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

Do you know who’s draftable on this team? Giancarlo Stanton. I suppose you could go with Steve Cishek for a closer, although his ratios aren’t terribly impressive. There are literally no startable pitchers in the rotation. Or players on offense for that matter. Oh sure, some poor fool will end up with Juan Pierre for awhile, but that’s a meaningless, pitiful existence. Justin Ruggiano is being hailed as a sleeper, but if anyone’s going to be able to screw up a sure thing, it’s the creators of this monstrous fuck-up.

Projected Finish in the NL East?

5th. And oh my god is this a more sure thing than me striking out at speed dating.

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.”

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.

The big issue for the Brewers last year was bad luck. Mat Gamel was, frankly, a failure at first before tearing his ACL. Corey Hart finally found a home as his replacement on a squad that was tiring of his (lack of) range in the outfield but not before the season was well out of hand. The bullpen was an unmitigated disaster with formerly reliable closer John Axford blowing 9 saves and holding an ERA well over 5 through the end of August. Francisco Rodriguez, following several seasons of sub-3 ERA ball, similarly collapsed, turning in a significantly lowered K rate and an ERA over 4. By the time everything got sorted out, and they won an astounding 24 of their last 30, it was too late.

But now? Yuniesky Betancourt has arrived. The man, the myth, the legend, the savior of Brewers baseball has come back to thrill fans and win over new hearts after spending a year on vacation with the Royals and, briefly, the Phillies minor league system. Let’s ask the good folks on the internet what they think about Yuni.

“In 2008, he again walked only 3.0% of the time, the worst percentage in Major League Baseball.”

“Yuniesky Betancourt is to baseball what Taylor Lautner is to acting.”

“That’s the Yuniesky Betancourt who might be the worst regular in baseball.”

“…those inclined to use only statistical ratings and analyses to judge players consider Yuniesky Betancourt the worst defensive shortstop in the free world.”

Wow… these are worse than the reviews for Liz & Dick.

How’d The Offseason Go?

Aside from signing that juggernaut? Not so bad. Kyle Lohse finally found a home after months of Sprewelling various MLB owners. He should shore up a rotation that hasn’t risen much above average in recent years. They made sure to lock Alex Gonzalez up after he declared free agency because… I dunno, at least he’s not Yuni. Mike Gonzalez will attempt to make a name for himself in the bullpen this year. Last we saw him, he was trying, and failing, to make a name for himself after leaving Atlanta for the Orioles… so hopefully things will go better for him this time.

Notable departures are Shaun Marcum and Francisco Rodriguez. The former, when not looking like a parody of Fred Armisen’s parody of David Paterson, has been recovering from a sore elbow… or a calf… or… what is it, his neck this time? Anyways, he’s the Mets’ problem now. Francisco Rodriguez also was not asked to come back, and he’s looking for a paycheck somewhere. Probably the Royals. I don’t know. Oh, and Yorvit Torrealba has taken his comedic stylings in free agency to the Rockies.

The Brewers Will Make The Playoffs If

Are you kidding? They just locked up the World Series with this move.

The Brewers Will Miss the Playoffs If

Irrelevant.

How The Season Will Go

Yuniesky Betancourt sets out to set the world on fire. Before he can do this, though, he needs his starting job back. He takes Jean Segura out for a nice steak dinner at the Sizzler. First, he tries lacing the parmesan cheese on Segura’s steak with arsenic. Unfortunately, after bumbling around in the kitchen for 10 minutes, trampling 2 busboys and breaking three microwaves, he somehow managed to mix the powder up with a packet of Sweet’N Low, killing a diabetic at table 12 while thoroughly ruining Segura’s ribeye.

Fortunately, Yuni ALWAYS comes prepared.

Yuni next takes Segura to the carnival. They go up to an air gun booth. While Segura focuses on that one fucking winking green duck in the middle of the back row, Yuni turns and fires point blank, missing all three shots while knocking a clown off of his stilts and putting two child leukemia survivors back in the hospital with corneal tears.

Unperturbed, Yuni hatches Operation 3 (luckily he has Operations 1 through 5 ready and, for some reason, Operation Balboa on standby). He takes Segura on the Ferris wheel but is distracted by an animal balloon shaped like what he thinks is a giant meatball. Turns out it’s just an old-fashioned, regular-shaped balloon, and by the time he figures this out, he’s already been seated with two thirteen year old girls, both named Madison, who are severely displeased with his odor of Elmer’s glue and teriyaki jerky. The misadventure continues for another hour, ending only once he finally loses Segura in the crowd when he pauses to admire his ladybug face paint in a funhouse mirror.

The next day, the first game of the season, Yuni lurks above the Brewers’ dugout, sitting in the first row wearing a trenchcoat and a fake nose and moustache. He waits until the announcer calls Segura’s name and springs into action, flying over the dugout ceiling with a nimbleness that he had heretofore not demonstrated at the shortstop position. He beats Segura mercilessly, pounding his face into the ground and essentially destroying his skull before he realizes it’s Donnie Murphy.

The trial is an absolute circus, led by none other than everyone’s favorite ambulance-chaser Nancy Grace. The defense creates an M Night Shyamalan worthy turn in the case when they argue to significant effect that Yuni is far too incompetent to accomplish anything, let alone murder. Nancy Grace returns to her hotel room and hate-fucks her bedside table until the finish is gone. In the end, justice wins out, and Yuni is transferred to Texas as to be executed. The season ends with Yuni nailing Nancy Grace on his death row cot while the Brewers bow out in the wildcard round, losing quite definitively to the Reds.

How’s The Farm?

IT DOESN’T MATTER! THEY GOT YUNIESKY BETANCOURT! HE IS ALL OF THE DEPTH.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

Ryan Braun is a potential #1 overall player, and it’d be foolish not to draft him right? Right. His outfield mates are fairly underrated coming into this season. A lot of analysts are high on Carlos Gomez’s combination of growing power and speed, and Norichika Aoki was a godsend of a free-agent pickup last year, providing 30 steals along with a useful average and decent pop. It’s hard to recommend anyone on the diamond outside of Jonathan Lucroy. He, by the way, should be a steal if you plan on waiting on a catcher until the late rounds. All signs point to an Aramis Ramirez collapse this year even with his great stats just a year ago. Draft him at your own risk. As for Rickie Weeks, he offers 4 categories of counting stats, which is always enticing at a thin position, but the man is a huge batting average drain, and his peripherals are trending ever downward. Expect him to be drafted, and finish, just outside the top 10 at 2B.

For pitching? Yovanni Gallardo is pretty inconsistent, but aside from an abysmal April and a mediocre June, his stats were impressive last year. Kyle Lohse will likely need some time to adjust after missing spring training, but he’s pitching in the same division which lessens the curve. If news of his signing hasn’t hit yet, he could be a steal. Marco Estrada, Willy Peralta, and Mike Fiers are three rookies who filled in admirably last year, offering an impressive strikeout rate and a useful ERA/WHIP. Assuming they lock down spots in the rotation, they could be great late round value. John Axford really should have a bounce-back year closing for this squad, and the Brewers didn’t bring in anyone to challenge him, so the leash is still pretty lengthy. His value is also severely diminished from his awful showing last season, so if you’re feeling lucky, give him a late-round shot.

Projected Finish in the NL Central?

1st. Why does it feel like this is going out on a limb?

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“Uh… Heroes don’t do drugs! Except for Drugman, I guess.”

h/t @MRodgersNghBrhd for the scoop on today’s Yuni signing.

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.

The Cincinnati Reds are a team that basically exists on another planet for me. They had the second-best pitching staff in the MLB, though a distant second behind the Rays, with breakout performances by Johnny Cueto, Homer Bailey, and Aroldis Chapman, a Bronson Arroyo resurgence, and the steady presence of Mat Latos. Given all this, I honestly wouldn’t have placed their pitching staff in the top 10. I reckon I forgot to check my East Coast privilege last season at the door or something.

So why am I predicting them to not repeat as division champions? Well, I don’t believe in Bailey or Arroyo. At all. I expect these guys to give quite a bit back in terms of performance this year. The bullpen is good, but it’s not sub-3 ERA good. If Jonathan Broxton becomes the lynchpin of the relief corps, expect a few games to end in very ugly fashion. On offense, I can see only modest gains over last year’s team, not enough to make up for the regression the pitching offers. All told, I see them giving up enough of a lead to make the Cards, Brewers, and Reds all possible champions in a photo finish.

How’d The Offseason Go?

Well, they quickly and decisively solved the single biggest problem on offense last year by trading underachieving lead-off hitter Drew Stubbs along with Didi Gregorius to the Indians for Shin-Soo Choo and Jason Donald. Choo gets on base a full 100 points more than Stubbs, more a testament to how goddamn terrible Stubbs was than anything else. This move alone should boost Jay Bruce’s and Joey Votto’s RBI counts by at least 20 each. They made sure to resign Ryan Ludwick as well after his career year.

Notable departures? Not very many. Considering both Aroldis Chapman and Jonathan Broxton were on the roster, it didn’t make sense for them to try to keep Ryan Madson on the roster. He’s signed on with the Angels and will challenge Ernesto Frieri and Sean Burnett for the closing spot there. Scott Rolen, after two straight years of severely disappointing returns, remains a free agent.

The Reds Will Make The Playoffs If

The season comes down to trusting Aroldis Chapman.

The Reds Will Miss the Playoffs If

The season comes down to trusting Jonathan Broxton.

How The Season Will Go

How’s The Farm?

We absolutely cannot start this section without mentioning Billy Hamilton. Hamilton set a professional record for stolen bases in a season (155!) at the high A and AA levels last year, a combination of ridiculous wheels and absolutely no respect for the batteries he faced. So far, he’s demonstrated a good eye and a serviceable bat. It’s only a matter of time before he gets the major league tryout, possibly even this fall.

Outside of him, the offensive prospects are pretty slim over the next couple years. If second base opens up, Ryan Wright would be a pretty solid fill-in, though he lacks the tools to make him a top-10 player there. Outfield has a couple of decent options heading into the ’14/’15 seasons. Ryan LaMarre has the speed and defensive skills of a 4th outfielder, his bat the only thing keeping him from profiling as an everyday centerfielder. Jesse Winker and Kyle Waldrop are both potential solutions at left and right field, respectively, offering good on base skills, decent pop, and serviceable defense.

As for pitching, there is some serious depth for the rotation. Daniel Corcino is ready to play this year, and he offers a potential 3 plus pitches, fastball, slider, and change-up. His command is suspect so far, with a K/BB rate just under 2, limiting his potential as a starter this season. Any improvement in his control, however, should earn him an audition in spot starts. Kyle Lotzkar is in a similar position, a fastball-slider pitcher whose path to the majors currently lies in the bullpen. Injury and control issues have plagued him so far in his minor league career. Finally, Tony Cingrani has demonstrated elite strikeout rates in the system so far, and if he can make some gains on his walk rate, he’s got potential to contribute in the late innings.

Your Brief Fantasy Preview

Joey Votto and Jay Bruce are no-brainers. If they’re around at their average draft position or auction value, spring for them in an instant. Shin-Soo Choo is a bit of a wildcard after being up and down in recent seasons, but I’m expecting an excellent year leading off here. I’ve already drafted him in all of my leagues. Brandon Phillips should be good for an 80-15-80-15 season, making him a top 5 second baseman. I’m not entirely sold on Todd Frazier or Zack Cosart, but they should make good backups if you need them. Ryan Ludwick? Ehhhh. Only if you have to.

For pitching, all signs point to Johnny Cueto’s excellent 2012 being a baseline for this year with further room for improvement. Draft him with confidence. Mat Latos should also contribute another good season, about a 3.50 ERA and a pretty good strikeout rate. I’m not nearly as high on Bronson Arroyo or Homer Bailey. I’d put Arroyo down for an ERA well over 4, and Homer Bailey should regress to around a 4 as well. Aroldis Chapman will provide great stats whether as a starter or a closer, but his price might be unreasonable due to the hype. If he gets a starting role, Broxton will probably be worth owning by default, but I wouldn’t be happy about it.

Projected Finish in the NL Central?

2nd. Life in the Brewers’ and Cardinals’ division ain’t easy, but they’ll do okay.

Oddly Apropos Futurama Quote

“Switzerland is small and neutral! We’re more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!”

Body By Bacardi has been making bad sports jokes on Twitter since 2010 and on Deadspin since 2011. If you’re not tired of reading things he’s written, you can follow him on Twitter at @wineaccguy.