Heading for the Exits http://www.headingfortheexits.com Because you thought things would be different Mon, 05 Dec 2016 22:09:04 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.5 Coming soon to HFTE… http://www.headingfortheexits.com/your-mom-ya-nerd/ Mon, 05 Dec 2016 22:04:32 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5669 Get ready for…. Turd…. Guyyyyyy!!!!!*

The Nerd Crushers


Nerd Crushers II: The Reckoning


And Finally:

Nerd Crushers III: Quackin' Off



Better Call Saul Goodpicks – Week One http://www.headingfortheexits.com/better-call-saul-goodpicks-week-one/ http://www.headingfortheexits.com/better-call-saul-goodpicks-week-one/#comments Sat, 10 Sep 2016 21:32:04 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5663 Continue reading ]]>

Hello! It’s me, Pat. Been awhile, eh? Boy oh boy, it sure has! Let’s blog!

Get happy! Football’s back! I don’t really have any insight on this week’s games and I’m only vaguely aware of what’s going on out there in the world these days, but that won’t stop me from making some picks! It’s football time! Let’s blog!

Carolina @ Denver
This game already happened, but that’s not important. What matters is that both of these teams go out there and have fun! Denver is a really fun city. That makes me wanna pick them. Carolina is actually two states, but they pretend they’re one for football. I’m just glad they get along. Friendship like that makes me want to pick Carolina. Oh, geez. This is a tough one.
PREDICTION: Carolina 49, Denver 6

Green Bay @ Jacksonville
I’m from Wisconsin, so obviously the Packers are going to win by a million. I’m gonna keep writing here to make the selections look proportional, (for now, we’ll see how I’m doing seven games from now) so I just wanna throw a quick shoutout to Blake Bortles – shoutout to Blake! You da man, Blake! I’m a big fan of Blake Bortles.
PREDICTION: Green Bay 106, Jacksonville -3

Buffalo @ Baltimore
I guess I’ll start with the obvious – both of these cities start with the letter B. That’s pretty good! Beyond that, they’ve both been working really hard to get better. That’s pretty commendable. This game, like so many others, will be won or lost on the field, and your guess is as good as mine as to how it’ll play out.
PREDICTION: Buffalo 3.5, Baltimore 0 

Chicago @ Houston
I mentioned that I’m from Wisconsin earlier in this blog. JJ Watt grew up one city over from me, so he knows how important this game is to my picks. It’s a big one! Chicago’s actually a pretty nice city. I haven’t been to Houston, which adds a level of complexity to my pick here.
PREDICTION: Chicago 4, Houston 19

Cleveland @ Philadelphia
Both of these teams really like sports! Thanks goodness for that. This will be the game of the week. I don’t know much more about either of these teams beyond that. I did go to Cleveland for a wedding once. It was actually pretty fun! They also have a casino right downtown! Smart move by the city. Casinos are fun.
PREDICTION: Cleveland 11, Philadelphia 35

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
These teams are pretty close together, I think, which is really nice for Tampa’s travel scheduler. They also don’t need to change time zones! I recently went to Tampa for a bachelor party. It was a blast! Atlanta plays it’s home games in a dome, but Tampa does not.
PREDICTION: Tampa Bay 15, Atlanta 23 

Minnesota @ Tennessee
I just took a little break from blogging to have a bite of a Marie Callender’s Chicken Corn Chowder Pot Pie. I eat a lot of pot pies. Probably around seven a week or so. They’re pretty good, but it’s important to switch up the flavors sometimes. I also eat a lot of frozen pizzas. Shout out to California Pizza Kitchen Sicilian Style!
PREDICTION: Minnesota 0, Tennessee 0

Cincinnati @ New York Jets
Two teams share the same stadium in New York. That must be quite the hassle for schedulers. Now that I think about it, NFL schedulers are probably really nice people, and they seem to do a pretty good job! I’d buy them a coffee if they were behind me and I knew what they did for a living.
PREDICTION: Cincinnati 13, NYJ 14 

Oakland @ New Orleans
New Orleans is a city that inspires a lot of people, and Oakland is also a city. Both of these cities are located near water, which is neat. Fanboat tours with the alligators and marshmallows are fun, and I’m sure there are things to do in Oakland, too.
PREDICTION: Oakland 8, New Orleans 35 

San Diego @ Kansas City
I get down to San Diego on occasion. It’s a really great city. If you haven’t been there, you should go. I’ve never been to Kansas City, but I remember watching the World Series when they were in it and they would sometimes show people watching it on the street. It looked like a lot of fun and made me think that Kansas City probably knows how to party.
PREDICTION: San Diego 16, Kansas City 12

Miami @ Seattle
People seem to really enjoy the Pacific Northwest. Whenever someone travels there and I ask them how it was, they usually say nice things. I don’t know much about Miami, but I just finished watching season two of Narcos, which is a really good show. I highly recommend it.
PREDICTION: Miami 1, Seattle 95

Detroit @ Indianapolis
We’re in the home stretch now! I’ve driven through both of these cities!
PREDICTION: Detroit 5, Indianapolis 5

NY Giants @ Dallas
If a “Giants vs. Cowboys” B-movie exists, please let me know. I’d very much enjoy watching that. Every now and then, a friend and I will watch movies like that and then make jokes the whole time. It’s a lot of fun! I recently watched one that pitted cowboys versus dinosaurs in a movie called “Cowboys vs Dinosaurs.” 5-stars!
PREDICTION: NY Giants 12, Dallas 12.5 

New England @ Arizona
It’s too bad that there’s only three games left to pick, because I just took my after-lunch Extra Strength 5 Hour Energy so I’m ready to roll! I’ve taken two of those a day for the last eight years or so, and let me tell ya, they’re pretty great. Make sure you buy in bulk! That also reminds me that I still haven’t seen Taken 2. I should probably see that!
PREDICTION: New England 12, Arizona 9

Pittsburgh @ Washington
For the first 16 years of my life or so, I thought that the Redskins were based out of Washington State, and found it very impressive that there was enough of a fanbase up there to justify two NFL teams. It’s nice that Washington D.C. has a team though, so I was happy when I found out the truth.
PREDICTION: Pittsburgh 42, Washington 5

Los Angeles @ San Francisco
I live in Los Angeles now, and let me tell ya, this town’s grocery store promotional displays are really jazzed about the Rams being back! Don’t worry, I forked over for the Sunday Ticket again, so I can still watch the Packers play. I really like the Packers.
PREDICTION: Los Angeles 22, San Francisco 20

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Wake Up HFTE http://www.headingfortheexits.com/wake-up-hfte/ http://www.headingfortheexits.com/wake-up-hfte/#comments Thu, 18 Aug 2016 17:32:01 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5659
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LEAKED: Transcript of Omer Asik’s Visit with the Pelicans http://www.headingfortheexits.com/leaked-transcript-of-omer-asiks-visit-with-the-pelicans/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 01:41:20 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5648

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LEAKED: Transcript of LaMarcus Aldridge’s 2nd Visit with the Lakers http://www.headingfortheexits.com/leaked-transcript-of-lamarcus-aldridges-2nd-visit-with-the-lakers/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 01:13:56 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5645

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Oatmeals, Ranked http://www.headingfortheexits.com/oatmeals-ranked/ http://www.headingfortheexits.com/oatmeals-ranked/#comments Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:55:10 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5642 Continue reading ]]> Here is an official ranking of oatmeals from your pal, Sgt. Hammerclaw. I’ll be honest, I didn’t pull any punches here so if you’re not prepared to have your entire world turned upside down, you might want to stop reading right now and save yourself the heartache.


1. Apples & Cinnamon

Controversial? Of course. It wouldn’t be a controversial blog post if I went with “Plain” or “Pretentious Organic,” would it?

2. All the rest.

All of the other oatmeals are very good, too. I like oatmeal. I don’t have it often, but it is good.

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The MLB Lone-Star Game http://www.headingfortheexits.com/the-mlb-lone-star-game/ Thu, 26 Jun 2014 22:10:43 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5625 Continue reading ]]> Two nights ago, internet hero, Ken Tremendous, presented a challenge to his followers by asking them to develop a roster of the worst MLB all-stars of all time. Included in his tweets was a reminder that every team must send a representative to the game every year.

This gave me an idea: “The MLB Lone-Star Game”

The concept was simple. Every year, a bunch of teams have only one representative that are selected to participate in the MLB All-Star Game. Some of these guys deserve to be there, but many others do not. My plan was to go back, identify every “lone-star,” (the only member of any given team that was selected as an all-star) and then using a few select stats, (WAR, ERA+ and WHIP) try to come up with the worst lone-star rosters possible.

I only looked at all-stars from 1977 and beyond, because that was the year of the Blue Jays’ and Mariners’ introduction into MLB, and if I’d stretched it out too far before that, this project would’ve taken entirely too long to complete.

Thanks to baseball-reference.com, several cups of coffee and a few 5 Hour Energies on top of that, I was able to compile the complete Lone-Star lists for each team since 1977 in just under two days.

I attempted to put together the worst possible AL and NL teams using WAR for the corresponding season for batters, a combination of WAR, ERA+ and WHIP for starting pitchers and ERA+ and WHIP for relief pitchers and closers. Feel free to criticize me all you want for the stats I chose to use for this, but the reality is that this dumb project took entirely too long as it is, and there’s nothing stopping any of you from digging deeper into these stats yourselves.

That said, I proudly present to you the MLB Lone-Star Teams:


AL Lone-Star Team

I’m so sorry, Cal. As for an Astros pitcher making the list, I stuck with the leagues that the teams are in right now, rather than adjust based on which leagues the teams were in at the time. It’s totally illogical. I know. Sorry.


NL Lone-Star Team

I hate myself for putting Griffey Jr. on this team. I really do.

I highly recommend combing through the data yourself. It is actually quite entertaining to see some of the lone-stars on the list. There were a lot of deserving players that just missed out on making the Lone-Star Teams.

Here you go, everybody. Knock yourselves out: 

Download (PDF, Unknown)

How Deadspin Got It Wrong – What does “clickbait” really mean? http://www.headingfortheexits.com/how-deadspin-got-it-wrong-what-does-clickbait-really-mean/ Thu, 27 Mar 2014 01:23:27 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5611 Continue reading ]]> Some of you may have seen Tim Marchman’s rant thoughtful post on Gawker Media’s sports weblog, Deadspin, earlier today. Marchman had clearly reached his boiling point after enough commenters posters made their feelings known about pageview-driven journalism. Boy was he steamed.

It was fun to get a new perspective on the age-old “clickbait” debate, but there was one major problem with his piece.

Tim Marchman has no idea what constitutes “clickbait.” Let me explain…

You see, here’s the thing about misleading headlines that only serve to increase traffic to internet weblogs…


What a beautiful, majestic song. Have a great night, everyone!



HFTE Exclusive: Here Are Some Problems I Have With “Here Are Some Problems I Have With Thanksgiving” http://www.headingfortheexits.com/hfte-exclusive-here-are-some-problems-i-have-with-here-are-some-problems-i-have-with-thanksgiving/ http://www.headingfortheexits.com/hfte-exclusive-here-are-some-problems-i-have-with-here-are-some-problems-i-have-with-thanksgiving/#comments Wed, 27 Nov 2013 20:32:29 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5595 Continue reading ]]> Turkey > Echo

Welcome back to Heading for the Exits. It’s been awhile, but I’m back now. Probably won’t be staying long, but alas, here I am. Anyway, noted poet, Same Sad Echo, wrote something earlier today that really got my goat. He decided that despite being an admittedly great holiday, he still wanted to complain about a few Thanksgiving-related things. In response, I’ve decided to go ahead and give his piece the full FJM-style treatment. Let’s get to it.

For those that are unfamiliar with the FJM format, Echo’s words are bolded, and my responses to them will be in plaintext. Also, what’s wrong with you?! What are you doing here? Go read FJM right now! All of it! Come back when you’re done.

First, let’s dispense with the obvious. There is every damn reason in the universe for a grown adult man to be thinking about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving rules.

We’re off to a good start. I have absolutely no problem with these three sentences. The man makes a very good point here.

So stop being the contrarian asshole who bitches about how Thanksgiving represents the subjugation of the American Indian by foreign invaders and get over yourself.

Are there “Team Echo” buttons available for sale? Where can I buy them? Put me down for 100!

Also, please try to not have intercourse with the can of cranberry sauce this year.

Looks like I’ll be canceling that button order, then.

Problem 1

Turkey only remains at the perfect temperature for consumption for approximately 17 nanoseconds. Ever cook a turkey? It comes out of the oven piping hot (of course). You let it sit for a while before attempting to carve it. When you carve it it’s still so hot that you burn the snot out of your fingers as you joyfully yank the drumstick from the body.

If it’s still too hot to touch, maybe you should’ve waited a few more minutes. Seems like that’d make sense. I prefer carving it while it’s still hot too though, so I can’t fault you there. Try to just grab the bone portion of the leg next time. That tends to prevent the finger-burning that you described. You’re welcome.

It’s still hot as you layer it on the serving platter.

At this point, if you haven’t eaten at least two slices of the aforementioned turkey, you’re a fool.

It’s somewhat less hot as it gets passed around the table and you pile it with wonderful gravy and mashed potatoes.

After spending all of that time in the kitchen alone with the food, you should be referring to the first plate that you prepare for yourself at the table as “seconds.”

It’s almost perfect as you bow your head for grace.

At this point, you should take full advantage of everyone else bowing their heads, and shove as much perfect-temperature turkey into your mouth as you possibly can.

And as you shove your loaded fork to your fat greedy mouth… it’s stone fucking cold.

By this point, you should already be pretty full, and this shouldn’t be an issue.

Will optimal turkey temperature be realized in out lifetime? Probably not.

As long as you refuse to acknowledge its existence during grace, which scientific studies have proven is the “almost perfect” turkey temperature time, this is true.

Problem 2

Black Friday. We all know Black Friday sucks. The deals aren’t that good.

I got a great deal on my TV last year on Black Friday. I guess if you’re Mr. Moneybags, the savings aren’t worth it, but for the rest of us, the savings can be pretty great.

Same Sad Echo kicking back and relaxing after his Thanksgiving dinner, presumably.

It’s now a day earlier, forcing people to work on Thanksgiving.

I don’t know. Based on that link, Ruth seems pretty thrilled about working on Thanksgiving. Why would you want to stand in the way of her happiness?

People die every year.

Yeah, but people also die when new Jordan shoes get released, and when new video game systems come out, and when they’re driving places, and when base jumping goes wrong, and when they try to climb Mount Everest, and when they’re doing other things too. Should we prevent people from doing all of those things? I don’t think so.

Only morons who’ve been kicked in the head by a mule would be dumb enough to shop on Back Friday.

You just linked to your own post here. Enjoy your shopping!

But worse than all that, plus a million Hitlers, is that it’s given name to the dumbest shopping “holiday” of all time: Cyber Monday.

Can’t argue about the name, but online shopping is the way to go.

Cyber Monday is the perfect storm of stupidity that occurs when desperate retailers combine their idiot powers with desperate news media to create something to sell, be it actual physical items or advertising slots. 

You seem to have a tenuous grasp on the differences between manufacturing products and their retail distribution. The retailers are all about creating demand, not the products themselves. That’s China’s job. Duh.

Cyber Monday is the name your mom (who’s still rocking her aol account) would come up with at her book club dinner to the delight (and secret envy) of her fellow lady friends. To borrow another terrible phrase, Cyber Monday jumped the shark the second it was first uttered. Don’t let me ever catch you saying it.

I don’t want my mom being associated with “Cyber” anything, thank you very much.

I agree with your sentiment though. I also prefer the alternate title of “The Monday Following Thanksgiving Where Online Retailers Substantially Lower Their Prices In Order To Increase Consumer Spending, Generate Profit And Do Their Part To Help Strengthen The American Economy” or “TMFTWORSLTPIOTICS,GPADTPTHSTAE” for short.

Problem 3

Breathless traffic reports.

How do they talk without breathing?

“Well let me tell you Anne, the I-95 corridor is just going to be packed over the next few days!” NO FUCKING SHIT. Every single year we get the same rehashed reports about the increase in traffic jams and flight delays. Say, will the weather play a factor?

Probably not, but that’s because I live in Los Angeles now, where the weather is nice. Sometimes it rains, and when that happens all hell breaks loose, but that’s pretty rare out here.

We’re on pins and needles over here.

You should probably go get a tetanus shot.

There is some schmuck at AAA who hates his terrible, terrible job, but stays on year after year in order to bask in the glory of being quoted in the CNN scroll.

If that’s all he has to live for, is it really our place to take that from him? I say no. #TeamQuoteSteve

If there is any justice in the world that guy misses his connecting flight every year.

Let’s be honest. You and I both know that Steve has nowhere else to go.


These have been some of the problems I have with the United States holiday of Thanksgiving.

Wait, this is about the United States holiday of Thanksgiving? Oh, goddamnit. Now I’ve got to start this whole thing over.

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Hey Girlin’ With Telly2Putts (Holiday Edition) http://www.headingfortheexits.com/hey-girlin-with-telly2putts-holiday-edition/ Wed, 03 Jul 2013 15:20:51 +0000 http://www.headingfortheexits.com/?p=5569 Continue reading ]]> IMG_1018[1]
There are so many semi-famous hot women in the world, it’s hard to keep track of them all. Every week so often, Telly2Putts will bring to our attention some of the hottest (and perhaps some of the most talentless) broads this world has to offer.

This week on Hey Girlin’, we take a look at  America’s Sweetheart, Lauren Conrad.
This girl has come along way from the heartbroken teen on Laguna Beach. America’s love affair only grew after her follow-up hit on MTV, The Hills. Poor girl went through bad boy after bad boy and cried her way into our hearts and stacks on stacks. Now she has her own fashion line and is also a bestselling author! This girl can do no wrong and we feel honored to salute her on this 4th of July week.

Hey Girlin’ With Telly2Putts (Holiday Edition)

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Telly’s Stalker Scale Rating: 9.5 restraining orders