Ed. Note: Friend of the Blog PostApocalypticRecSpecs returns this week with another edition of Breaking Bad Beats.
Do Bears shit in the woods? I think they do, but I know they take huge dumps in primetime. Speaking of shitting in the woods, I didn’t see a fucking thing for five days in my deer blind (not – “stand.”) Much like my picks, we’re running well above average in my neck of the woods which makes for not-so-good deer hunting conditions.
Don’t give me any of this “barbaric hunter” bullshit, either. I do it for the lean venison because I’m a fucking health nut.
HFTE Premium picks: 13-8-1
Texans at Lions (Current Line : Texans -3.5)
Does anyone else remember when the Lions were an absolute sack of shit like, three years ago? Those Thanksgiving games were brutal. I remember Peyton Manning scoring 35 points for me against them in fantasy and I thought I had that week locked up for sure. I lost and was pissed, but at least he didn’t score four points, then the whole weekend wouldn’t have been worth a shit.
Redskins at Cowboys (Current Line : Cowboys -3)
I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point before his tenure as Cowboys’ owner is over, Jerry Jones pulls a Budd Dwyer.
Patriots at Jets (Current Line : Patriots -7)
Rex Ryan is looking svelte!
I used to bet the Patriots well. I haven’t lately, so do the opposite of what I say.
Raiders at Bengals (Current Line : Bengals -8)
I’m not all that confident the Bengals are going to cover here, but once in a while I like betting against a team, and right now the Raiders are such a team.
Steelers at Browns (Current Line : Steelers -1)
Once news came down that Roethlisberger wasn’t available for last week’s game vs. the Ravens, the line moved 6.5 POINTS. That is what a QB is worth in Vegas. Little known fact (unless you’re a degenerate): Vegas doesn’t give a shit about other players. When Gronk got hurt before the Super Bowl last year, the line didn’t move, and he had like 349 touchdowns last year (approx.)
Bills at Colts (Current Line : Colts -3)
I think the Bills are a better team than most people do.
I think the Colts are a lesser team than most people do.
Broncos at Chiefs (Current Line : Broncos -10.5)
Along with the help of Phil Anselmo, we’ve wrote you a poem!!1!!
“I’d kill myself for you; I’d kill you, for myself.” <3
Titans at Jaguars (Current Line : Titans -3)
Vikings at Bears (Current Line : None- Concussions Ruined Breaking Bad Beats)
I was just about to place Jay Cutler in the “elite” category, and then he went and missed like 14 tackles against the 49ers last week. Keep sulkin’ it up, Jay.
Falcons at Buccaneers (Current Line : Falcons -1)
The public is going to bet heavy on the Falcons here. I have a rule that I adhere to pretty religiously: If the team you believe to be better is giving less than three points on the road, go ahead and fuck a midget in the ass.
Falcons -1 *
Seahawks at Dolphins (Current Line : Seahawks -3)
Every single trend involving these teams says to take the Dolphins. Fuck that. Nate Silver don’t know shit. I mean, he thinks the Earth is like, more than thousands of years old. What an idiot.
Ravens at Chargers (Current Line : Ravens -1.5)
I know the Ravens are worse on the road than at home, but come on.
Speaking of being worse on the road than at home, typing that sentence made me think of a story:
One night I end up at this girl’s apartment after the bar and she can’t find a rubber anywhere. We looked for like 15 minutes, and nothing. Finally she says, “fuck it, we’ll go without.” I wasn’t having it. I say, “I’m not fucking you without a rubber.” It did not end well. Inflection is important, my friends.
49ers at Saints (Current Line : None- Concussions Ruined Breaking Bad Beats)
I’m probably going to bet the Saints. Why? They’re at home.
Rams at Cardinals (Current Line : Cardinals -2.5)
I’m genuinely crushed for Larry Fitzgerald. He was such a great player and now he’s just being wasted, like a River in Phoenix.
Packers at Giants (Current Line : Giants -2.5)
The “fucking a midget in the ass” rule applies here.
Panthers at Eagles (Current Line : None- Concussions Ruined Breaking Bad Beats)
Have a happy Thanksgiving, assholes.