Ed. Note: Friend of the Blog PostApocalypticRecSpecs returns this week with another edition of Breaking Bad Beats.
Thank god last week’s picks turned out well. I was worried BronzeHammer was going to make me babysit Mantis for a week if they didn’t. That would’ve meant a trip to Sam’s Club for Clorox wipes and licorice, and I simply don’t have time for that. The inaugural edition of the picks column turned out much better than that of the Magic Hour, boasting a 7-4-1 record (I’m not giving myself credit for the Lions’ cover, even though the line moved to +6.5 at game time.) (Even though I should because if I was taking them at +6, I was obviously taking them at +6.5, but I digress.)
This week I’m going to put an asterisk by the picks I’m betting on. Why am I doing this, you ask? Because I fucking feel like it.
I felt good about my picks last week. This week I feel like Mitt Romney discussing foreign policy.
Patriots at Rams (Current Line : Pats -7)
One man has accomplished the following: Traded UP to acquire Tim Tebow; Interrupted the growth of Sam Bradford; and turned the Patriots’ once throat-slitting offense into a game of two-for-flinching.
Josh McDaniels isn’t an offensive genius. He’s an offensive pile of shit.
Colts at Titans (Current Line : Titans -3.5)
Jaguars at Packers (Current Line : Packers -15.5)
This is the largest spread of the year. Just when Jack Dickey’s “Free Chad Henne” bandwagon was starting to build momentum, Henne had to go ahead and actually play in a real game. His performance was brutal beyond words, and he may see significant playing time this weekend. Also, MJD is out for the Jags. This has 42-13 written all over it.
Chargers at Browns (Current Line : Chargers -3)
Does anyone remember former Lions coach Wayne Fontes? Norv Turner is his generation’s iteration of Cocaine Wayne (this was really, really funny when we were kids.) I can’t imagine being a Chargers fan having to put up this Norv Turner bullshit every fucking year. Godspeed, Chargers fans.
Note to the rest of the NFL: If you’re going to give up a pile of picks like the Browns did to acquire Trent Richardson, it better be to draft RGIII.
Chargers -3 *
Falcons at Eagles (Current Line : Eagles -2.5)
Why do all media types love Andy Reid so much? Is it because he’s so fat? Is it because he’s the worst game manager in the history of the NFL? Is it because he has arguably the most dynamic player in the league and he gives him 12 touches a game? He’s been given a ton of talent, year after year, and has led his team to one Super Bowl appearance in 13 years. Ladies and gentleman, the next coach of the San Diego Chargers.
This has to be last week Vegas overrates the Eagles. It has to.
Falcons +2.5 *
Seahawks at Lions (Current Line : Lions -2.5)
I’d like to punch Pete Carroll in the face with the force of a freight train.
Matt Flynn’s got a pretty good gig. He’s making something like 10 million a year to do the same thing I do on Sundays, and best part is he didn’t steal the money from a bank, so the authorities aren’t even looking for him.
Suh’s tackle of Cutler last Monday night made me a little hard. If he did that same thing to Tom Brady he would’ve been fined 50k. You got this one right, Commissioner.
Dolphins at Jets (Current Line : Jets -2.5)
Much like Mark Sanchez, I have no feel for Jets games. The greatest thing that could possibly happen in this game is if Sanchez gets benched and is replaced by Greg McElroy. Fireman Ed would probably burn the place down.
Panthers at Bears (Current Line : Bears -7.5)
Poor Cam Newton. He’s down in the dumps and he’s putting out a suggestion box in the locker room. I hope one of the suggestions is to not throw the ball to the other team in the red zone. Also, how about not doing that stupid fucking Superman thing when you’re down three scores?
Between Urlacher, Cutler and Marshall, the Bears are too easy to hate. If they win the Super Bowl, I’m going to be apoplectic.
Redskins at Steelers (Current Line : Steelers -4.5)
Holy shit is RGIII fucking awesome. Dan Snyder doesn’t deserve him, he deserves Chad Henne – a lifetime of Chad Henne.
The Steelers are so old that they all have AARP cards!!1!!1
Redskins +4.5 *
Raiders at Chiefs (Raiders -1)
Just another awful matchup. Brady Quinn is starting for the Chiefs, and I couldn’t be less excited. What does it say about your franchise that you have to turn to Brady Quinn to save your season? Holy shit, the Chiefs suck. Just trade Jamaal Charles to the Packers so his career doesn’t go to waste.
Save for Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe, Sebastian Janikowski just might be the best player in this game. Yikes.
Giants at Cowboys (Current Line : Giants -2.5)
Victor Cruz makes $550,000 per year. Can you fucking believe that? Honest to Christ, I bet he can’t even afford to live in New York City. After taxes, union dues and agent fees, he probably can’t even afford cab-fare.
If I were to feature a Lock of the Week, I’d call it the Locke of the Week, and it would be this game.
Giants -2.5 *
Saints at Broncos (Current Line : Broncos -6)
I heart you Peyton!!!
If I’m Sean Payton, I honestly hold out for 10 million per year. Just a reminder: The Saints were 13-3 last year.This game may have 1000 yards of total offense, and I can’t fucking wait to see it.
49ers at Cardinals (Current Line : 49ers -7)
Before the season began, I said I didn’t know if the Cardinals would go 10-6, or 6-10, and I still don’t. They’re on their third string running back and second string quarterback. No big deal though, because the Niners defense is pretty soft.
Also, Jim Harbaugh is a terrifying human being.
49ers -7 *
Enjoy another weekend of shitty games!