Ed. Note: Friend of the Blog PostApocalypticRecSpecs returns this week with another edition of Breaking Bad Beats.
Did everyone have a nice Thanksgiving? Don’t answer that, because I don’t really give a shit. Since it’s now dark at 3:20 pm, Michigan is already one big ice rink, I have no social life, and I feel the need to really get my money’s worth out of my NetFlix subscription – I’ve been re-watching The X-Files from the beginning. You know how they have those annoying “coaching trees” that are discussed every time Andy Reid is involved in a nationally televised game? They should have one for everyone involved with The X-Files. Howard Gordon – writer and producer for The X-Files – is one of the creators of 24 AND Homeland. Vince Gilligan – also a writer and producer for The X-Files – is the creator and show-runner of Breaking Bad. That’s just bananas.Anyway, last week’s overall picks reeked of methane: 4-8-1. Premium picks reeked of meh: 2-2-1.Overall: 40-32-3
HFTE Premium Picks: 15-10-2
Seahawks at Bears (Current Line : Bears -4)
How the Seahawks fucked up that cover against the Dolphins last week is beyond me. Oh wait, there was a bullshit roughing the passer call after Tannehill threw an awful interception in the end zone that would’ve pretty much iced the game. Something has to be done about the “any touching of the quarterback’s head” rule, because it’s a fucking menace.
I’m going to just start betting against the Seahawks on the road, like you’re supposed to.
Vikings at Packers (Current Line : Packers -9)
Ouch. The Packers went and got their shit pushed in real good by the Giants last week. I didn’t bet this game, because I remembered how bad I am at betting the Giants. I honestly think, in four years of betting football, I’m hitting about 30% with them. That kind of shit will make you lose your meth money in a hurry.
This line seems too high.
49ers at Rams (Current Line : 49ers -7.5)
These teams tied a few weeks ago, in San Francisco, and the line is 7.5.
Cardinals at Jets (Current Line : Jets -4.5)
We have a special Celebrity Guest Picker for this game, Mark Sanchez!
[PARS]: So Mark, what do you think of this line? Too big? Too small? Just right?
[Sanchez]: The line? What line? I don’t see any lin… WHOA OH FUCK SHIT [fumbles]
Panthers at Chiefs (Current Line : Panthers -3)
Sorry, Chiefs fans. Matt Barkley is the next Jimmy Clausen : (
Colts at Lions (Currents Line : Lions -4.5)
Ok, maybe the Colts are better than I thought. Vegas doesn’t think much of them on the road, though. We’re talking about a 7-4 team being a 4.5-point dog vs. a 4-7 team. You see that in the NFL about as often as you see Raysism humbly accept praise.
Jaguars at Bills (Current Line : Bills -6)
Chad Henne, bitches.
Patriots at Dolphins (Current Line : Patriots -7.5)
The Pats are just running from town to town tearing labia right now.
Texans at Titans (Current Line : Texans -6)
Chris Johnson is finally coming around in time for everyone’s fantasy football playoffs. HAHAHAHA like any of you dumb fucks made the playoffs.
Buccaneers at Broncos (Current Line : Broncos -7)
This line also seems too high. Speaking of lines – I’d snort a line of coke off of Peyton Manning’s throbbing, erect, ample penis.
Steelers at Ravens (Current Line : None – Concussions Ruined Breaking Bad Beats)
Hey Cousin Sal, let’s play guess the lines!11!!
Browns at Raiders (Current Line : None – Concussions Ruined Breaking Bad Beats)
Are you fucking serious, Vegas? IT’S EITHER COLT MCCOY OR BRANDON WEEDEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE?!
Bengals at Chargers (Current Line : Bengals -1.5)
Noooorv, Norv, Norv. Norval, if I may. I pray to Allah, Jesus, Buddha, Malcolm-Jamal Warner and whoever else is listening, that Norv is permitted to extend his era of mind-numbing incompetence in San Diego for another year. Please?
Eagles at Cowboys (Current Line : Cowboys -10)
In a rare moment of sincerity, I really hope Andy Reid’s 2013, turns out better than his 2012. Yeesh.
Giants at Redskins (Current Line : Giants -2.5)
I’m at the point where I get excited to watch RGIII play, and that’s saying something because the only things that usually get me excited are pizza and reruns of the Golden Girls.
I also bet the Saints on Thursday night. Fuckers.