HFTE EXCLUSIVE: Chat transcript between Manti Te’o and Lennay Kekua

Manti Te'o
Manti Te’o

EXCLUSIVE: Sources close to the heart of the Notre Dame scandal have provided to Heading for the Exits an explosive transcript from a chat between Manti Te’o and his fictional girlfriend, Lennay Kekua. It is printed in its entirety below.

User Manti has entered the customer service chat line

Lenny: Good afternoon! How may I help you today, sir?

Manti: piza

Lenny: I’m not sure I understand. Could you provide some more details?

Manti: i want a pizza

Lenny: Sir, I’m afraid you are in the wrong place.

Manti: pizza with peperonii and cheese meat to south bend

Lenny: Sir, you cannot order a pizza online here.

Manti: piza pepperonni south bend please

Lenny: Sir, this is the HP online customer support chat line.

Manti: pizzahut HP

Lenny: Hewlett Packard. This is the Hewlett Packard helpdesk.

Manti: r u prettay lennay

Lenny: My name is Lenny. I am male.

Manti: what u wear lennay

Lenny: A polo shirt.

Manti: i lov u lennay

Lenny: Sir, can I ask you to please disconnect from this chat room. I cannot move on to help the next customer until you disconnect.

Manti: lennay u r prettay i lluv u

Lenny: I love you too. But I have cancer.

Manti: o no

Lenny: Oh God! A car is coming right at me! Slow down!!

Manti: stop car

Lenny: The car hit me and I died of cancer.

Manti: no

Lenny: I’m dead now. I have died.

Manti: no lennay

Lenny: I am dead. Goodbye forever.

Manti: no

Manti: pizza with cheese meat peperronii to south bend

 

About DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver

DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver is a cat scientist. Follow him on Twitter: @DJ_Jeff_Weaver.
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28 Responses to HFTE EXCLUSIVE: Chat transcript between Manti Te’o and Lennay Kekua

  1. BirdLaw says:

    Upon completing my 1000th reading of this transcript I declare “pizzahut HP” to be the unsung hero.

  2. fat-leaveher says:

    Good lord, out-loud laughter.

  3. Erg says:

    Belated, but Finest Kind nonetheless.

  4. BirdLaw says:

    Un-freaking-believable! +1

  5. Albie Sure says:

    The best part is sending this to the Boss, a snob ND alumni…woot

  6. TDK says:

    holy shit I love this.

  7. Scoop and Slam says:

    Great work!

  8. Telly2Putts says:

    Now I’m hungry. Bravo!

  9. StuartScottsEye says:

    This is the best one yet.

  10. phillibuck13 says:

    Good lord, that’s hilarious.

    “stop car.”

  11. Prick Top says:

    Fucking hilarious.

  12. DAVID BALUTANSKI says:

    in tears. good kind

  13. Jamie says:

    How do we all thank you for this? Money, drugs?

  14. BeansAndWieters says:

    +1 Just brilliant.

  15. Sneijderman says:

    Amazing. +1

  16. Body By Bacardi says:

    +1. Is that the common currency around these parts, or do I tip you a gold quarter eagle?

  17. Dr. Bob says:

    Genius.

    However, looks like Manti WAS in on it:

    Manti: r u prettay lennay

    Lenny: My name is Lenny. I am male.

    Manti knew ahead of time who he/she was.

    Also, what the hell is cheese meat?

  18. “I’m dead now. I have died.” – me, after reading this

  19. DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver says:

    Oh, you guys. You’re like a fake internet girlfriend to me.

  20. cobra says:

    Building a giggle-factory over here, Jazzy Jizz.

  21. PostApocalypticRecSpecs says:

    I love this so much I’m going to take a timeout in the bathroom and bang Manti’s girlfriend.

  22. Universal Enveloping Algebra says:

    OK, boys! Shut it down. We’re done here. I got this whole post tattooed on my back and now I’m gonna go launch myself into the sun.

  23. Raysism says:

    You’re fantastic.

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