EXCLUSIVE: Sources close to the heart of the Notre Dame scandal have provided to Heading for the Exits an explosive transcript from a chat between Manti Te’o and his fictional girlfriend, Lennay Kekua. It is printed in its entirety below.
User Manti has entered the customer service chat line
Lenny: Good afternoon! How may I help you today, sir?
Manti: piza
Lenny: I’m not sure I understand. Could you provide some more details?
Manti: i want a pizza
Lenny: Sir, I’m afraid you are in the wrong place.
Manti: pizza with peperonii and cheese meat to south bend
Lenny: Sir, you cannot order a pizza online here.
Manti: piza pepperonni south bend please
Lenny: Sir, this is the HP online customer support chat line.
Manti: pizzahut HP
Lenny: Hewlett Packard. This is the Hewlett Packard helpdesk.
Manti: r u prettay lennay
Lenny: My name is Lenny. I am male.
Manti: what u wear lennay
Lenny: A polo shirt.
Manti: i lov u lennay
Lenny: Sir, can I ask you to please disconnect from this chat room. I cannot move on to help the next customer until you disconnect.
Manti: lennay u r prettay i lluv u
Lenny: I love you too. But I have cancer.
Manti: o no
Lenny: Oh God! A car is coming right at me! Slow down!!
Manti: stop car
Lenny: The car hit me and I died of cancer.
Manti: no
Lenny: I’m dead now. I have died.
Manti: no lennay
Lenny: I am dead. Goodbye forever.
Manti: no
Manti: pizza with cheese meat peperronii to south bend
Upon completing my 1000th reading of this transcript I declare “pizzahut HP” to be the unsung hero.
Good lord, out-loud laughter.
Belated, but Finest Kind nonetheless.
Un-freaking-believable! +1
Awesome.
The best part is sending this to the Boss, a snob ND alumni…woot
holy shit I love this.
Great work!
Now I’m hungry. Bravo!
This is the best one yet.
Good lord, that’s hilarious.
“stop car.”
Fucking hilarious.
in tears. good kind
How do we all thank you for this? Money, drugs?
+1 Just brilliant.
Amazing. +1
+1. Is that the common currency around these parts, or do I tip you a gold quarter eagle?
Genius.
However, looks like Manti WAS in on it:
Manti: r u prettay lennay
Lenny: My name is Lenny. I am male.
Manti knew ahead of time who he/she was.
Also, what the hell is cheese meat?
“I’m dead now. I have died.” – me, after reading this
Oh, you guys. You’re like a fake internet girlfriend to me.
So, so good.
Building a giggle-factory over here, Jazzy Jizz.
I love this so much I’m going to take a timeout in the bathroom and bang Manti’s girlfriend.
OK, boys! Shut it down. We’re done here. I got this whole post tattooed on my back and now I’m gonna go launch myself into the sun.
Hey, bring me a pepperoni pizza when you come back!
Stop sun
You’re fantastic.
Thanks, Ray! This means we’re dating now.