HFTE Exclusive: Here Are Some Problems I Have With “Here Are Some Problems I Have With Thanksgiving”

Turkey > Echo

Welcome back to Heading for the Exits. It’s been awhile, but I’m back now. Probably won’t be staying long, but alas, here I am. Anyway, noted poet, Same Sad Echo, wrote something earlier today that really got my goat. He decided that despite being an admittedly great holiday, he still wanted to complain about a few Thanksgiving-related things. In response, I’ve decided to go ahead and give his piece the full FJM-style treatment. Let’s get to it.

For those that are unfamiliar with the FJM format, Echo’s words are bolded, and my responses to them will be in plaintext. Also, what’s wrong with you?! What are you doing here? Go read FJM right now! All of it! Come back when you’re done.

First, let’s dispense with the obvious. There is every damn reason in the universe for a grown adult man to be thinking about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving rules.

We’re off to a good start. I have absolutely no problem with these three sentences. The man makes a very good point here.

So stop being the contrarian asshole who bitches about how Thanksgiving represents the subjugation of the American Indian by foreign invaders and get over yourself.

Are there “Team Echo” buttons available for sale? Where can I buy them? Put me down for 100!

Also, please try to not have intercourse with the can of cranberry sauce this year.

Looks like I’ll be canceling that button order, then.

Problem 1

Turkey only remains at the perfect temperature for consumption for approximately 17 nanoseconds. Ever cook a turkey? It comes out of the oven piping hot (of course). You let it sit for a while before attempting to carve it. When you carve it it’s still so hot that you burn the snot out of your fingers as you joyfully yank the drumstick from the body.

If it’s still too hot to touch, maybe you should’ve waited a few more minutes. Seems like that’d make sense. I prefer carving it while it’s still hot too though, so I can’t fault you there. Try to just grab the bone portion of the leg next time. That tends to prevent the finger-burning that you described. You’re welcome.

It’s still hot as you layer it on the serving platter.

At this point, if you haven’t eaten at least two slices of the aforementioned turkey, you’re a fool.

It’s somewhat less hot as it gets passed around the table and you pile it with wonderful gravy and mashed potatoes.

After spending all of that time in the kitchen alone with the food, you should be referring to the first plate that you prepare for yourself at the table as “seconds.”

It’s almost perfect as you bow your head for grace.

At this point, you should take full advantage of everyone else bowing their heads, and shove as much perfect-temperature turkey into your mouth as you possibly can.

And as you shove your loaded fork to your fat greedy mouth… it’s stone fucking cold.

By this point, you should already be pretty full, and this shouldn’t be an issue.

Will optimal turkey temperature be realized in out lifetime? Probably not.

As long as you refuse to acknowledge its existence during grace, which scientific studies have proven is the “almost perfect” turkey temperature time, this is true.

Problem 2

Black Friday. We all know Black Friday sucks. The deals aren’t that good.

I got a great deal on my TV last year on Black Friday. I guess if you’re Mr. Moneybags, the savings aren’t worth it, but for the rest of us, the savings can be pretty great.

Same Sad Echo kicking back and relaxing after his Thanksgiving dinner, presumably.

It’s now a day earlier, forcing people to work on Thanksgiving.

I don’t know. Based on that link, Ruth seems pretty thrilled about working on Thanksgiving. Why would you want to stand in the way of her happiness?

People die every year.

Yeah, but people also die when new Jordan shoes get released, and when new video game systems come out, and when they’re driving places, and when base jumping goes wrong, and when they try to climb Mount Everest, and when they’re doing other things too. Should we prevent people from doing all of those things? I don’t think so.

Only morons who’ve been kicked in the head by a mule would be dumb enough to shop on Back Friday.

You just linked to your own post here. Enjoy your shopping!

But worse than all that, plus a million Hitlers, is that it’s given name to the dumbest shopping “holiday” of all time: Cyber Monday.

Can’t argue about the name, but online shopping is the way to go.

Cyber Monday is the perfect storm of stupidity that occurs when desperate retailers combine their idiot powers with desperate news media to create something to sell, be it actual physical items or advertising slots. 

You seem to have a tenuous grasp on the differences between manufacturing products and their retail distribution. The retailers are all about creating demand, not the products themselves. That’s China’s job. Duh.

Cyber Monday is the name your mom (who’s still rocking her aol account) would come up with at her book club dinner to the delight (and secret envy) of her fellow lady friends. To borrow another terrible phrase, Cyber Monday jumped the shark the second it was first uttered. Don’t let me ever catch you saying it.

I don’t want my mom being associated with “Cyber” anything, thank you very much.

I agree with your sentiment though. I also prefer the alternate title of “The Monday Following Thanksgiving Where Online Retailers Substantially Lower Their Prices In Order To Increase Consumer Spending, Generate Profit And Do Their Part To Help Strengthen The American Economy” or “TMFTWORSLTPIOTICS,GPADTPTHSTAE” for short.

Problem 3

Breathless traffic reports.

How do they talk without breathing?

“Well let me tell you Anne, the I-95 corridor is just going to be packed over the next few days!” NO FUCKING SHIT. Every single year we get the same rehashed reports about the increase in traffic jams and flight delays. Say, will the weather play a factor?

Probably not, but that’s because I live in Los Angeles now, where the weather is nice. Sometimes it rains, and when that happens all hell breaks loose, but that’s pretty rare out here.

We’re on pins and needles over here.

You should probably go get a tetanus shot.

There is some schmuck at AAA who hates his terrible, terrible job, but stays on year after year in order to bask in the glory of being quoted in the CNN scroll.

If that’s all he has to live for, is it really our place to take that from him? I say no. #TeamQuoteSteve

If there is any justice in the world that guy misses his connecting flight every year.

Let’s be honest. You and I both know that Steve has nowhere else to go.

Conclusion

These have been some of the problems I have with the United States holiday of Thanksgiving.

Wait, this is about the United States holiday of Thanksgiving? Oh, goddamnit. Now I’ve got to start this whole thing over.

About Sgt. Hammerclaw

Sgt. Hammerclaw is probably listening to Alanis right now. You can follow him on twitter @datpuffey.
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2 Responses to HFTE Exclusive: Here Are Some Problems I Have With “Here Are Some Problems I Have With Thanksgiving”

  1. Same Sad Echo says:

    What’s really interesting about your post is how it’s completely dreadful. Other than that, good work old chap.

  2. DougExeter says:

    Wow, looks like my comment about SIDS was wrong after all, or maybe I just forgot to cross my T’s.

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