Yesterday, HFTE’s own DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver published the chat transcript between Manti Te’o and Lennay Kekua that has taken the country by storm. As he prepares to step away from his cat-scientist duties and embark on a nationwide media tour over the next couple of days, I was fortunate enough to sit down with him for an exclusive one-on-one interview – per the terms of his HFTE contract, of course – and get the real story behind the infamous transcript.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: How did you find the now infamous transcript?
DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver: Wow. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Yesterday, when Deadspin broke the story, I knew I had to get in touch with my sources. I called my sources, and I said, “Sources, how are you today? Did you catch that outrageous episode of Who’s the Boss yesterday? I love that Timmy Danza! Anyway, how are the kids? Terrific. I love you too, Sources.”
Then, as I was walking out of Dress Barn, a friendly vagrant handed me a stack of papers that included the Te’o chat transcript, as well as tomorrow’s newspaper headlines.
What was your initial reaction upon reading the conversation?
I cried for hours. I wanted to believe that Manti Te’o was an innocent bystander who was duped by a conniving scammer. But the evidence was staring me in the face, with beady, bloodshot eyes, like Mona’s from Who’s the Boss. It was clear that Manti had been in on it from the very beginning. After working all night, our crack team of cryptologists was able to decipher the code that Manti and Lenny were using. “Piza” was code for “Pizza,” and “Pizza” was code for “The NRA’s relentless efforts to preserve the integrity of the Second Amendment.”
In your opinion, how culpable is Lenny for everything that’s transpired during this scandal?
Let’s be clear: I think that a lot of the blame is Lenny’s. But I also think that there’s an element of this that goes way above Lenny. All the way to the top. I often wonder – did Lenny truly have cancer? Did he get hit by a car?
Do you believe that Lenny truly had cancer? Did he get hit by a car?
I do wonder about that. I often wonder about that.
In your expert opinion, did “Lenny from HP” exist?
We’ve been working hard to figure this out. At this point in the investigation, we have been able to identify a number of individuals who could potentially be “Lenny from HP,” and they are all adorable cats.
How has the reaction to your story affected your daily life as a cat scientist?
My daily life as a cat scientist is totally different now. My life has been absolutely crazy. I can barely even step into the cat science laboratory without being swarmed by dozens of cats. Which is pretty much a normal day in the cat science laboratory. I can’t say my daily life as a cat scientist is all that different now.
Thank you for your time, DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver.
You’re welcome! Make sure to follow me on Twitter at @DJ_Jeff_Weaver for more investigative journalism, breaking news, and Who’s the Boss fanfic except now all the characters are cats.