HFTE Gets a Little League Team

13-PreventingYouthInjuries5
Please prevent them

Interior – BH’s chill pad, 2:37 PM

My kid: [sleep]

[phone rings louder than previously thought possible]

Me: [breaks neck retrieving cordless] Hell-o?

Phone speaker: [sounds really shitty and awful]

Guy: As-salam alaykum. How are you today? Are you a Muslim?

Me: No, thank you. I’m not interested. Please take me off your list again.

Guy: [is nice and hangs up]

Me: [casts phone in lead]

[scene]

Don’t you just hate wrong numbers? Well, truthfully, I don’t know that I get that phone call (about once every two weeks) as a result of a wrong number. My suspicion is that one of my curmudgeonly Mr. Wilson-type neighbors put me on some sort of Muslim education donor list (I live in an area where that would be considered a pretty good “own” by the majority of people). But to just get the phone call on my landline, which I only keep so something can piss me off once every two weeks and which only pisses me off every two weeks because it only happens once every two weeks — I could just do without the whole affair. But these dastardly annoyances don’t merely inhabit some bullshit Logitech neon-keyed vuvuzela. They’re also in your e-box (internet mail slot??)!

From: steven.lastname@hiswork.com
To: Me

Hello and Good Morning,

My name is Steve [redacted] and I am the Division Director for [redacted].

We had the Managers Selection meeting last night at Dapper [redacted]‘s house and bad news — you are stuck with managing a team this year! (4 Teams Total)

We still have a makeup evaluation session Jan. 26th and will have the draft the following week. You will probably get last weeks evals sheets next week to look over.

I did want to make sure everybody got this email and make sure it’s getting through to you.

Please — shoot me back an email with your preferred tel/cel # so that if someone needs to call you early some Saturday — they get the right # — not the ofc#.

It’s a lot like the old cliché herding cats at these ages but boy are they cute.

I have attached a picture that I bring out every spring and it always makes me smile. [He did attach a picture, but I'm not including it. Too weird]

Call or write with questions….I’ll try to get back to you quickly.

Like a lot of you — it’s my tenth year in the league — should be another fun one.

With all good wishes,

Steven J. [redacted]

 

First, I know we kid around a lot on this site (for instance, Mantis Toboggan never existed), but this is really real and not a joke. That’s the real e-mail. I got it about two weeks ago and was really, really puzzled. It came to my personal address, which is my real name, and I do not have a common name. I decide to try to help this guy, for no reason other than I am very handsome.

 

From: Me
To: Steven

This sounds cool and all, but you have the wrong e-mail address.

From: Steven
To: Me

 

gotcha…no period…thx

With all good wishes,

Steve

 

Not sure why he decided that was the issue, but I did notice that it was actually addressed to Digimon.Jon@libtard.net (that’s my uncle’s e-mail, don’t use it), and I don’t have a period in my e-mail address. But I remembered reading on Deadspin, of all places, that libtard.net doesn’t recognize periods in email addresses, so I pressed on.

 

From: Me
To: Steven

Actually, Gmail doesn’t recognize periods, so my email with the period is the same as my email without the period. I’m not sure if your guy maybe has an underscore or what….Good luck

 

Well, that was pretty clear, right?

 

From: Steven
To: Me

as long as one of us understands that and you get the emails…sweet…

welcome aboard

cheers

 

Obviously, Steven’s not real good with technology or sentences or English. There are worse things than having an old, dumb insurance-selling, little league-managing pen pal though, right?

 

From: Me

To: Steven

 

Alright well, as long as I’m getting these e-mails, how the hell is Dapper doing?

 

The guy is fucking named “Dapper”, for god’s sake. His last name, for what it’s worth, doesn’t make any more sense.

 

From: Steven
To: Me

still hilarious…i think he is taking a pinto team…older boy (josh) went to lacrosse i think.

couple drinks and a bunch of laffs…par for the course…

cheers

From: Me
To: Steven

That son of a bitch! God love him, though.

Hey listen, I know you said we’ll get those eval sheets next week, but is there any chance I can get some of that a little early? I’ve been really into that stat stuff lately….I watched Moneyballs the other night, and even though the A’s haven’t won a damn title yet!!! I think it’s pretty cool. I really want to work on getting some BABIT and POS figures together so I don’t lose like I do in fantasy baseball every year.

Take care

 

That’s the e-mail I wish I hadn’t sent. I was thinking that I’d mess with this guy a little bit and that, surely, that would be so over the top that it would reveal me as an interloper without me having to say, point blank (again), that I was not the motherfucker he was trying to reach. For one, obviously, several of the things I say in there are not things. But maybe more importantly, even though I did see the part about “eval sheets” in his very first e-mail, I didn’t for a second believe that people would give a hotdogging shit about the detailed baseballing skills of post-toddlers. But….hold that thought!

 

From: Steven
To: Me

too funny…and if I had them i would send them over for you and your scouts to go over….haha…mike calvert or pat chahalan are the keepers….i would think we’ll have them pretty soon…maybe monday….

thanks for the laugh

cheers

 

Steven thinks I’m funny. Aaaaaaand I’m blushing. A few days later, this:

 

From: Steven
To: Me

This is all I have as of right now…I know the scores are accumulated in one place…see tabs & I am working on it…cheers

Screen Shot 2013-01-28 at 11.17.13 AM copy
Nice job, Mason. Better luck next year, Cash.
Screen Shot 2013-01-28 at 11.26.55 AM copy
Parent contacts

 

Those are redacted to protect the evaluations of some pretty crummy toddlers and their parents’ Yahoo e-mail addresses. But, it looks like we’ve got a little league team now. As far as I know, Steven hasn’t realized what’s going on, so I’m just gonna root like hell for the little fuckers and see what happens. It’s not like we’re setting a precedent with this, but it should be fun, right? And since I’m about 2,000 miles away, I don’t even have to bring juice boxes.

Gooooooooooo little white kids!

About BronzeHammer

BronzeHammer is a warbling boner. Contact him with questions, concerns and complicated moneymaking schemes by throwing open the nearest window and hollering.
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9 Responses to HFTE Gets a Little League Team

  1. Christopher Hawkins says:

    My son Wyatt plays in this league, and Im not sure I like whats going on here. Is this some kind of joke?

    • Christopher Hawkins says:

      When did these evals become available.

      • Christopher Hawkins says:

        Coach can I please have your email address I would like to discuss Wyatt with you. I dont think the evals are accurate. They are hard to read too can you enlarge them? Thanks Coach.

        Chris Hawkins

  2. DubaiAtNight says:

    [dying]

    Also, my apologies. I’ll stop calling so early in the morning.

  3. rubdirtinit says:

    Well Jesus Christ, don’t leave us in suspense. What’s the team’s name? Its the warbling boners, isn’t it?

  4. Erg says:

    Whether or no, Finest Kind.

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