New Year’s Resolutions: DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver


On January 1st of every new year, millions of people make resolutions that they will ultimately break on January 2nd. We at HFTE are no different. Over the next few days, we will each make our 2013 resolutions public.

Up now: DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver.

The new year is a time of great promise; a time of renewal; a time when the sun shines bright on the horizon, illuminating the endless possibilities that await us in the year to come. With this in mind, I present my resolutions for 2013:

1. Stop being too sexy for my shirt and instead be just the right amount of sexy for my shirt (the shirt is a Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt)

2. Cut loose with the guys more often

3. Take up smoking

4. Finally quit smoking (later that day)

5. Tell everyone it was super easy to quit smoking

6. When people say “I didn’t know you smoked,” just say, “there’s a lot about me you don’t know” as I open my purse, revealing a live turtle inside

7. Repeat items 3-6 every Tuesday

8. Get a cool new nickname like Laser or Susan or LaserSusan

9. Get a record player and start collecting vinyl siding

10. Start calling Friday “Guy-Day” and cut loose with the guys every Friday. I mean Guy-Day

11. Start calling Saturday “Guy-Day” and cut loose with the guys every Saturday. I mean Guy-Day

12. Make every day “Guy-Day”

13. Spend more time with my kids on days that aren’t “Guy-Day”

14. Finish my script for “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place the Movie: Return to Planet Xylorg”

15. Get to know my coworkers better (especially Paul, Terry, and LaserSusan)

16. Optimize my social media branding strategy by leveraging core competencies in content generation and user targeting vis-a-vis ficus trees

17. Wear shorts more often, especially on “Guy-Day”

About DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver

DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver is a cat scientist. Follow him on Twitter: @DJ_Jeff_Weaver.
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