Recently, I discovered a book of CDs that I burned in my early 20’s. Amongst the treasure trove of Third Eye Blind, Matchbox 20 and Incubus were many disks simply labeled “NOW That’s What Sloppy Calls Rap” volume 1-8. I grabbed the case on my way out the door, heading for a long day on the road. Disk by disk, I realized how ridiculous some of the songs were. Not that they weren’t quality, because they are; however, it’s fantastic to see how much the world changes, mostly technologically, in a decade. The following are a few examples of obsolete rap lyrics. Have any of your own? Leave them in the comments below.
Shine – Lil Wayne, ft. Hot Boys (2000)
“Cause all of our vehicles, we dress ’em up
With television, Dreamcast, DVDs…”
Oh, the Sega Dreamcast. Released in 1999, this was Sega’s last in their line of home consoles. This was the first console to offer the insanely high, unfathomable 480p resolution. I owned one myself, and I must say that playing my one other friend over dial up connection was an experience I’ll never forget – mostly because we could never finish a game, and usually resulted in a smashed controller. It did produce some great games for its time, such as NFL 2K and Top Spin tennis. However, I would venture a guess that Lil’ regretted not holding out for installing the Playstation 2 in all of his whips, which debuted one year later.
I Just Wanna Love you (Give It 2 Me) – Jay-Z (2000)
“Only way to roll, Jigga and two ladies
I’m too cold, Motorola, two way page me, c’mon”
Do you remember when text messaging wasn’t a thing? There was a time in the early 2000’s when there was a gap to be filled between the antiquated pagers of the 90’s, and unlimited texting plans that came later in the decade. Motorola tried to fill this need by introducing its line of two-way pagers, which allowed users to communicate electronically…as long as you both had compatible pagers. Despite the rap game’s best efforts to make it happen, the public wasn’t too thrilled to shell out $250 plus a big monthly fee. I do have some great news, however; you can now be the proud owner of a Motorola T900 for only $5.50! 99 problems but a text ain’t one. HOV!
It Was a Good Day – Ice Cube (1993)
“It’s ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic
The Lakers beat the Supersonics”
Aside from the fact that Ice Cube must have passed his poor understanding of the concept of irony to Alanis Morissette, there is another glaring issue with Cube’s most beloved song – the Sonics bailed for Oklahoma City in 2008. However, back in the day (specifically 1993,) it was a big deal for the Lakers, led by Vlade Divac and Nick Van Exel, to top the young Sonics with up and coming stars Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton. Although this line is currently obsolete, rumors abound that the Sacramento Kings may pick up and move to Seattle. With any luck, the Lakers 6 year drought without a win over the Sonics will end next year; Ice Cube’s 20 year run of making terrible movies and music has no end in sight.
Changes – 2Pac (1998)
“And although it seems heaven sent,
we ain’t ready to see a black President.”
It’s truly sad to think about everything we have missed with Pac and Biggie dying before they got to see a black man in the White House. I find myself wondering if one of them would have played an inauguration ball; if Obama could have diffused their situation over some brews at Camp David; or even the two icons wrapping up a gun control PSA, then sharing a fist bump with the Prez. But no, they had to be stupid and get themselves killed. At least they knew how to feud, not like this Chris Brown/Frank Ocean slapfighting bullshit. Anyway, cool to see the majority of the country was finally ready to see a black president. Maybe hologram Pac can change the demographic to “gay,” or “woman.” Because we sure as hell aren’t ready to see that yet.
“You gotta learn to hold ya own,
They get jealous when they see ya with ya mobile phone.”
I wonder what Mr. Shakur would think in today’s world, where instead of a rattle, you get an iPhone4 when you’re fresh out the womb. (But not the 4S. You think babies can even use Siri? Stupid.) No one gets jealous over a mobile phone anymore, not when my 80 year old grandma is rocking a Jitterbug and you can buy prepaid welfare phones for $20. Now a Motorola Two Way pager? Green with envy.