[Note from the author: this post was written before the devastation that was brought on by Hurricane Sandy yesterday. In recognition of the difficulties being faced by my fellow Northeasterners, I have seamlessly added some Hurricane Sandy jokes to this post.]
Here at Heading for the Exits, it’s our goal to stay on the absolute bleeding edge of the World Wide Webworld. That’s why it’s high time for us to get rid of our stale old header graphic, which has not been changed since the inception of this blog roughly one fortnight ago (“fortnight” derives from the Old English “phortnite,” which means “the number of nites [nights] it takes to build a sweet phort [fort] out of the couch cushions at Pete’s mom’s house, you know, the big blue couch that has the squishy cushions and the pattern on it that looks like a bunch of dongs with wings, anyway, Pete, I think I left my iPod Nano at your house, can you look between the couch cushions of the blue couch with the dongs, my mom is going to kill me if I lose it because I already lost three iPod Nanos this year and I have to keep re-buying all my Korn and Simon & Garfunkel albums).
We would like to enlist you, our dear readers (Hi, Paul and Nancy! How are the grandkids?), in helping us to choose the new face of HFTE (or, as our Millennial readers refer to us, “H4tE.” Hey, Ayden! Don’t you and your bronies just love Vitamin Water? Yeah, it’s pretty tight).
Over the past seventeen years, we have been steadily collecting your submissions for our new header graphic. Dear, valued readers, I cannot begin to tell you how our hearts were warmed to see so many of your original works of art filling up our bulging, engorged inbox. Of course, most of these submissions were utterly disgusting. However, some of them (very few of them) were not.
WHY DO THEY CALL IT HURRICANE SANDY? SANDY IS MY AUNT’S NAME AND WELL I GUESS SHE’S KIND OF MEAN SO MAYBE THEY SHOULD CALL IT HURRICANE SANDY! WAIT THEY ALREADY CALLED IT HURRICANE SANDY (?)
The options presented below have been thoroughly tested in focus groups containing hundreds of Internet users, who graciously took time from their busy schedules of not having jobs and watching pornography. Rest assured that the submissions below are the cream of the crop (“the crop” = “a big old pile of real big turds”).
And just to remind you of what is at stake, the creator of the winning submission will receive an all-expenses-paid copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, the very same urine- and tear-soaked copy that forever changed a young DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver’s life approximately one-third of a fortnight ago.
Now, without further ado, I present to you: the entries! In the contest.
IF THE CONTEST IS FOR “BIGGEST HURRICANE NAMED SANDY” THEN I BET HURRICANE SANDY (FROM YESTERDAY, THE HURRICANE FROM YESTERDAY) WOULD WIN THE CONTEST!
Entry 1: “Heading for Cheap Laughs and Obscurity,” Submitted by reader DJ Jozzy Jorff Weaver
Entry 2: “g7JGH(?sdrtf5rrrrRRRRR,” Submitted by reader DJ Jersey Geoff Warren
Entry 3: “My Pet Goat,” Submitted by reader JD Jeezy Joe Worvington
Entry 5: “Portrait of Nancy Reagan,” Submitted by reader SexCat_69
Entry 6: “Portrait of Nancy Reagan,” Submitted by reader DJ Jeffie Juzz Whisker
Readers, we value your input more than you can possibly know. Please, before you leave this blog, make sure to register your selection by thHURICANE SANNDY