Sloppy’s Interviews – Maryland Mudflap

Twitter isn’t only good for following porn stars and athletes – there are some legitimately funny people that post their highly entertaining musings in 140 characters or less. Late in 2012, Rolling Stone magazine put together a list of 25 funniest people on Twitter, full of names like Rob Delaney, Michael Ian Black, Jim Gaffigan, and plenty of others that do humor for a living. Grouped together with these talents is a man that goes only by the name “Scotty,” otherwise known as @MarylandMudflap.

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Known for his unique method of only communicating with followers via postcard, Mudflap, an HFTE fan, agreed to an exclusive interview to give a little insight into one of the most mysterious Tweeters on web. Not only was he gracious enough to answer our questions, but also sent us one of his poignant, heartfelt postcards.

Postcard

Hey Mudflap, thanks for joining us here at Heading for the Exits!

First thing’s first: Do you have any Super Bowl predictions for us?

I’m glad you asked…I think the Ravens will win. I think Skip Bayless will get caught having sex with a Real Doll wearing a Joe Flacco jersey in the dressing room of a Hot Topic. And I think I’ll be asked to leave my own Super Bowl party for saying, “That’s my favorite one!” after every commercial.

While we’re on the topic of football, the sports world was rocked last week with the breaking news of the Manti Te’o hoax. You’re pretty prevalent in the world of social media; have you ever fallen for a “catfish” style scheme by one of your followers?

I’m glad you asked…I try not to communicate with my followers beyond the occasional compliment or postcard. I assume every profile picture featuring cleavage is a Alaskan father of four. I don’t know why the media cares so much about Manti. He’s no Herschel Walker, Barry Sanders or even Danny Wuerffel. Watching Notre Dame get tossed into the wood chipper by Alabama was like drinking with a girl who claims she can “drink you under the table” and then ends up puking on her shoes after 3 Fireball shots.

FMK – Nancy Grace, Ke$ha, Rosie O’Donnell?

I’m glad you asked…Ideally I’d like to F all three of these angels on a water bed, M whoever laughs the least, and then K myself. 

We like to occasionally offer our readers expert financial advice. As our guest, would you care to offer any investment tips?

I’m glad you asked…My financial advice is stop using Kickstarter. Go get a 2nd job and sell all the stuff in your house that you don’t use more than once a week. Stop asking your friends for money. Also, every time you’re thinking about buying a lottery ticket, go play Erotic Photo Hunt instead. Everyone wins and you get to see some of the most beautiful people on the planet letting it all hang out. 

You were recently tabbed by Rolling Stone as one of the 25 Funniest People on Twitter, along side huge names in comedy, such as Tracy Morgan, Jim Gaffigan, Stephen Colbert and Patton Oswalt. That being said, what’s your favorite video game of all time?

I’m glad you asked…My favorite video game of all time is Contra. I once beat it in 11 minutes with my friend Jon Green. I still call Base 1, “Basel” and I think I’ve learned more about life playing the “Waterfalls” level than any other test I’ve ever faced.

Can you give us a few “must follows” on Twitter?

I’m glad you asked…I’ll keep it short and sweet: @bridger_w and @carl_bnntt. They are better than getting your name on rice.

If you were to get rid of one state in the U.S, which one would it be and why?

I’m so glad you asked…I’d get rid of Hawaii. Give it back to those nice people. We shouldn’t have taken it from them in the first pla…no wait, Connecticut – what a shithole. 

Let’s say you win the $110 million Powerball. (Does Maryland have Powerball? I’m going to assume Maryland has Powerball.) What’s your first purchase?

I’m thrilled you asked…Maryland has it all. It’s called “Little America” for a reason. It has crab cakes, lacrosse, and crab pretzels. My first purchase would be a Dyson Air Blade. I don’t care how much flack I catch for saying this: It’s one of the best ways to dry your hands.

Who wins in a cage match between you and @DadBoner?

I’m glad you asked…I think @DadBoner and I would both throw sucker-punches at the same exact time after simultaneously yelling,”I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING!” and end up traveling through time together. Hopefully we end up living somewhere in time near a restaurant that’s not too expensive or spicy. 

About Big Sloppy

I own a Shaquille O'Neal "Dream Team II" jersey that my mom bought me from QVC in 1994. I'm also a two time winner of the prestigious Wiffleball National Columnist of the Year award. That's all I got going for me. Follow me on Twitter: @RJWinfield
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