Years ago, when someone would ask me to give a presentation to a large group, I would shit my pants on the spot. I would also shit my pants when someone asked me to write up a report, go pick up some lunch, help out with a project, not shit my pants, or shit my pants.

Well, I’m happy to announce that I’m a new man. I still shit my pants in all of the aforementioned scenarios, but I

…here is the Heading for the Exits Guide to Giving Effective Presentations

1. Identify Your Audience

The first step in putting together a successful presentation is to Identify Your Audience. This may sound obvious, but many presentations are derailed when a speaker fails to tailor his or her message to the appropriate audience. Will you be speaking to a roomful of salesmen? Doctors? Executives? Politicians? Cats? Teachers? Cat Teachers? Cats? In all of these cases, it is critical to use exactly the same presentation.

2. Choose Your Message

Once you have Identified Your Audience, the next step is to Choose Your Message. What points do you want to communicate to this roomful of Executive Cat Teachers? It might be, “Toaster Fires Pose A Significant Risk To National Security,” or, “Please Purchase These Fiery Toasters.” Now, it’s time to make sure that your slides effectively communicate this message.

3. Make Your Slides

Now it’s time to Make Your Slides! A good rule of thumb is to have 12-14 slides per minute. Whatever the topic of your presentation, make sure each slide is densely packed with as many hot toaster pixxx as possible. That’s it.

4. Practice Your Presentation

It might feel funny, but make sure to Practice Your Presentation in front of a mirror. This will make it easier for you to determine if you are lacking crucial verbal and motor tics that will help to keep everyone focused on your presentation. Uncomfortably frequent blinking, licking your lips, grunting, head scratching, whistling, and yo-yo tricks are advanced techniques used by the “pros” to hold an audience’s attention. Deploy them and you’ll have the audience in the palm of your hand, but only figuratively, because your real hands will be very busy with the yo-yo.