Super Bowl XLVII will be played between two teams coached by two guys who are brothers. You already know this because it has been covered ad nauseam. Below, we dive into the long, rich tradition of the Super Bowl and brotherhood.
Super Bowl I: Brothers everywhere stopped giving each other wedgies and gathered next to the only television set in the house to watch the Green Bay Packers give a gridiron wedgie to the Kansas City Chiefs.
Super Bowl VI: After the Dallas Cowboy beat the Miami Dolphins, brothers everywhere ask dad – who is back from his tour of duty in Vietnam – to reenact Joe Namath’s “number one” with his only remaining arm after Roger Staubach runs off the field without raising a finger. Older brother quickly jumps on the Cowboys’ bandwagon.
Super Bowl X: Big brothers everywhere pinned down younger brother’s shoulders with their knees and pounded their knuckles into their little brother’s forehead and made them name X fruits after big brother’s Cowboys lose to the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Super Bowl XIX: Brothers everywhere are home alone while their parents are off shoving their faces into mountains of cocaine. Big brother insists that little brother call him “Joe Cool” after the San Francisco 49ers defeat a then bastard-childless Dan Marino and the Miami Dolphins.
Super Bowl XX: Brothers everywhere get into a fight because little brother recorded the Super Bowl Shuffle over big brother’s VHS cassette of Porky’s. Big brother proceeds to lay a bigger beat down on little brother than the Chicago Bears did against the New England Patriots.
Super Bowl XXVII: Brothers everywhere break into mom and dad’s liquor cabinet to celebrate big brother’s “boys” returning to the big game. But it was the Buffalo Bills who were too drunk to compete as they got embarrassed by the Dallas Cowboys.
Super Bowl XXXIV: Kurt Warner gives hope to grocery bagging brothers everywhere, in that they too can achieve their dreams if they work hard enough. Big brother proceeds to get little brother stoned after the St. Louis Rams beat the Tennessee Titans by one yard.
Super Bowl XLII: Big brothers everywhere loan their little brothers money to cover the gambling debt they just incurred because of David Tyree’s catch leading the New York Giants upset the New England patriots.
Super Bowl XLVI: Big brothers everywhere receive frantic text messages from their little brothers asking if they could crash at their place to avoid having their legs broken by bookies after the New York Giants once again beat the New England Patriots.
Super Bowl XLVII: Brothers everywhere will gather and bitch about all of the coverage that Jim and John Harbaugh have been getting for being brothers.