The all-new 2013 Nissan Altima offers a multitude of technological innovations. The most impressive of these innovations is a system that will save you untold hours of time, time that you could spend with your family or masturbating, by issuing a not-at-all-annoying honk when you’ve successfully filled the tires with air.

However, the talented engineers at Nissan Automotive and Slanket Corporation have developed many other applications of this game-changing technology. Come along with us as we explore the wonders of the 2012 Nissan Altima, by listing the things to which the new 2013 Nissan Altima also alerts you by issuing a honk, besides when its tires are full of air.

1) Tank is full of gas

2) Odometer hits 100 miles

3) Odometer hits 200 miles

4) Odometer hits 300 miles

5) Car has nearly come to a complete stop

6) Car has come to a complete stop

7) Odometer hits 350 miles

8) Car is no longer at a complete stop

9) You look nice today. The hair, the outfit, just…you look nice

10) Speed exceeds nine miles per hour

11) You encounter a “Honk if you support teachers” bumper sticker or sign

12) You encounter a “Honk if you’re horny” bumper sticker or sign

13) Odometer hits 360 miles

14) You encounter a “Honk if you’ve never been horny” bumper sticker or sign

15) You pick up three Doritos Locos (TM) tacos at the Taco Bell drive-thru (promotion ends December 1, 2012)

16) It’s time for an oil change

17) It’s not time for an oil change

18) Just drivin’ around. Just drivin’

19) You encounter another 2013 Nissan Altima

20) You encounter another car

20) You are not currently encountering any cars

21) You are pulled over for “Excessive Horn Honking”

22) Tires need to be filled with air