I’ll be honest folks, I’ve had a headache lately. Fortunately, in this day and age, there is a plethora of readily available medical advice on the internet that I can use to identify the root cause of the problem, and treat it accordingly. Additionally, there are plenty of celebrities out there who are more than willing to share their wisdom with the world, and refuse to deterred by their lack of knowledge regarding medicine. With all of these resources available at my fingertips, I would be a fool if I didn’t take advantage of them. I have decided to share my findings with you, so that if you ever find yourself in a similar predicament, you’ll know exactly how to proceed. Let’s see what we find!
Google Search 1
Source Credibility: Seemingly good. These guys have commercials and everything. The word ”doctor” is on the site a lot too, so that’s reassuring.
Symptom Synergy: Pretty close. Their list of headache symptoms is pretty vague, but I guess what I have would probably apply.
Diagnosis: Dehydration, a migrane or a brain tumor.
Immediate Reaction: Oh, man. If I drink some water and the headache doesn’t go away, what would that mean?!
Google Search 2
Source Credibility: Strong. They have the option to live chat with nurses who are standing by right now! They certainly wouldn’t do that if they were a credible operation.
Symptom Synergy: Spot on. I told the nurse all about my headache, and a lot of other things about myself too.
Diagnosis: Brain tumor.
Immediate Reaction: Damnit!
Google Search 3
Source Credibility: Low. It says that these answers are from a bunch of Yahoos.
Symptom Synergy: All it says is bad headache, which is pretty spot on.
Diagnosis: “Brain tumor.” “See ur doctor imediately!” “Y r u lookin this up online??1!?”
Immediate Reaction: Shit. This isn’t looking good. I better take this to the celebrity expert.
Lance Armstrong Consultation
Medical Expertise: Much greater than I thought when I initially booked this appointment.
Diagnosis: Probably something sinus related, or it might be cancer.
Treatment Recommendation: Nothing that hard work and living stronger than you are right now won’t fix. Get tougher. All you need to do to succeed is live a little bit stronger than you are right now and everything will be just fi-
[This consultation was stopped early, as Mr. Armstrong began sobbing uncontrollably.]
Tom Cruise Consultation
Medical Expertise: Devoted member of the study of Scient, which sounds a whole lot like Science.
Diagnosis: “It’s the work of forces beyond our control. Whatever you choose to do – and it is your choice – do not use any medication that could affect your predetermined brain waves. Pseudoscience will be the downfall of us all!”
Treatment Recommendation: “The only way to true recovery is through The Church of Scientology. This book will get you started, and it can be yours for only $49.99!”
Jenny McCarthy Consultation
Medical Expertise: Has a child.
Diagnosis: After reading on my chart that I received a flu shot this year, Ms. McCarthy started screaming and ran away before I could describe my actual symptoms to her.
Treatment Recommendation: Unknown.
I am going to stick with my standard treatment of ibuprofen and water this time around. I sure hope I don’t die.