As you may have heard, ESPN is currently searching for a new ombudsman. Some of us here at Heading for the Exits believe that we would be well-suited for the job, and have decided to apply. However, rather than applying the conventional way only to be rejected without any fanfare, we decided to post our applications here for the world to see. Unfortunately, there isn’t an actual application readily available online for this position (Get it together, ESPN!), so we decided to generate our own instead. Today’s applicant: Mangini in a Bottle, Friend of the Blog.
Mangini In A Bottle
STONE(D) AGE HAHAHA GET IT GUYS
How did you hear about this job opening?
As with any sort of news or communication I’ve ever received, I had my ear pressed hard against the ground. Seriously. I’ve been mistaken for a corpose on numerous occasions. You have no idea how disappointed those 12 year-old boys always are when it turns out that I just smell this way because I always have my ear to the ground. You know?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Also did I explain that I have my ear always pressed to the ground because I am blind? I mean I guess I understand you mean this in a like “use your imagination and don’t literally visualize yourself because that might make you a wizard and wizards are fucking scary” sense of the question, but I guess my point is that I can’t see myself in 5 years, even if you have a mirror that says “In 5 years” on it. Although sometimes I like to think I can feel the photons reflecting back at me, crowding around my body, caressing it, non-consensually digitally penetrating me, even.
What is your favorite sprout?
My favorite sprout would have to be the lesser-known but nonetheless scrumptious Vatican City sprout, which I have discovered and named for the fact that it is persistent, reverent and I’ve been keeping secrets about it since I was 8.
Why do you feel you are qualified for this position?
I have compiled at least one winning season of a fantasy sprout in the time that I have been laying here and I think that your ESPN Fantasy Sprouts app has a lot of potential if will allow me to demonstrate by using these dead twigs I’ve also been using for nourishment and as antennae.
How familiar are you with the history of ESPN?
I hold a doctorate in Sprouts Syke-collegeee from the prestigious Wanda Sykes University of Sass-quatchary Distance Learning and Kitten Knittin’. So you better believe that I have some thoughts about Keith Olberpants.
If a corporate scandal were to occur during your reign as ombudsman, how would you address it?
I would dictate the following address to my secretary:
Entertainment Sprouts Network
Bristol Sprouts, Connect4ticut
Satellite Dish 7
United Sprouts of America
Do you believe that you will be able to analyze ESPN from a critical perspective, without being influenced by your position within the organization?
Well, the first condition of my employment is that my position will continue to be in this subdevelopment wastewater run-off lot that I am currently pressing my ear to the ground in, so technically I will not be within the organization. I feel like that should help me keep my objectivity, not to mention this prime real estate.
If you could change one thing about ESPN right now, what would it be?
More alternative sprouts opportunities, absolutely. Also is Tim Tebow getting enough recognition?
Who is your favorite current ESPN personality?
Bill “Sprouts Guy” Simmons, although I think he was better when he was doing those real neat mashups with Steven Tyler’s mouth’s backing band, Gawdsmawk.
Is there anything else you would like to tell us that hasn’t been addressed up to this point?
I’ve located the source of the open flesh wound that just won’t seem to heal on the lower half of my body: it turns out that a sparrow collective known as “Chirp Kelley” has been running over me non-stop with these adorable little tractors! I guess they have to plant their sprouts crops somehow, right?
But seriously, I think it’s gone septic. In fact, you might say that as an ombudsman, I’d have the perfect blend of speticism! HAHA. HA.
[stiffens] Wait… wait… the CIA director got caught with Paula Poundstone? Oh man you guys she is a HOOT. Or that might be the owl who keeps this field mostly rodent-free. I’d better listen harder. [stiffens]