Why You Should Watch The Super Bowl Alone

HFTE’s Very Own Polk Panther Watching the Super Bowl.

It’s Super Bowl week, get stoked! You have one last Sunday to avoid doing all of the stuff you have been putting off for months, like clipping your toenails. Most people think that you need to end the NFL season by going out with a bang. I am about to present to you why this is completely unnecessary.

You won’t get sick

Let’s face it, unless you have a crippling alcohol addiction, you aren’t going to drink a shitload of tequila shots by yourself. Go buy your favorite 6-pack, or grab a small bottle of Maker’s Mark and enjoy a few drinks by yourself. Save the hangover for a guys’ (or girls’) night out where it will really be worth it.

Another cause for illness is the food. You know you always grab a helping of something that makes you want to instantly vomit. What about those wings, are you sure that 40-something-year-old bachelor cooked them thoroughly? What about that 7-layer dip that was prepared by some unhygienic motherfucker who has been battling the same flu for two months now? Gross.

Avoid the worst kind of people

How many times have you gone to a Super Bowl party and have been stuck sitting next to some asshole you have never met and would never like to meet? There he is in all his glory, making lazy, unfunny and semi-racist jokes. This same asshole tries to predict each team’s game plan, then criticizes every failed play. He really is the Curtis Painter of armchair quarterbacks. He is also very drunk, very high, loud, obnoxious, oh and he may possibly be hitting on your wife. The only saving grace is knowing that this guy is going to be suffering a massive hangover in the morning, and if by some chance he happens to allude that, he’s certainly going to have the runs after eating that 7-layer dip made by the unhygienic motherfucker.

You also won’t have to explain the rules to that ditzy blonde who brought the prepackaged spinach and artichoke dip, who is constantly telling you to be quiet so that she can enjoy the commercials.

Fuck the commercials!

THEY ARE FUCKING COMMERCIALS! If you view commercials as entertainment, you must also have fantasies of being on the receiving end of anal rape. Also, the Bud Bowl isn’t walking through that door anytime soon.


Twitter will keep you more entertained than the game and commercials combined. Need to know who to follow? May I suggest following the same people I follow. I follow some of the smartest and funniest guys and gals on the web, excluding Virgil.

Why should this be the first Sunday in months you’ve taken a shower just to end up later relinquishing control of the TV remote?

It shouldn’t be. Stay home, there is no reason to shed those sweatpants and leave your favorite La-Z-Boy® chair unoccupied.

This week, go treat yourself by taking advantage of the great prices on big screen TV’s, stay home Sunday and enjoy the shit out of that new TV. You’ve earned it, football dude.


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5 Responses to Why You Should Watch The Super Bowl Alone

  1. shinavonne says:

    This has made me seriously reconsider my Super Bowl party. Next year? Alone… all alone. I fucking hate people anyway, I don’t know what I was thinking.
    Also, +1.

  2. Erg says:

    You won’t have to suffer that moment of shocked silence that ensues after you throw your beer through the screen when Ray Lewis wins the MVP award.

    During which your brain goes into panic mode and starts running around like a squirrel in the road. It slipped! I thought I saw my ex in the stands! Wasn’t your recycle bin there before? Damn, that was the worst muscle spasm I’ve ever had! Is anyone else pumped for baseball season to start?

    This does contain the advantage of never needing to worry about being invited to a Super Bowl party again so it’s not a complete loss.

    • Mangini In A Bottle says:

      Finest Kind, Erg? I’d say you’ve “Erged”* it, amirite?

      *I am so, so sorry for this.

  3. Virgil says:

    Who’s ready for Super Bowl Monday?

  4. PolkPanther says:

    That photo is such an obvious Photoshop. I’m left handed.

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