For most of us, winter is a sad, desolate time of year, which will only be exacerbated when football goes into hibernation after the Super Bowl. It gets dark too early, it’s too damn cold, and the grill is put away until spring. As someone who has battled with seasonal depression nearly all his life, I have found that developing new hobbies and pastimes go a long way in keeping yourself sane. Sure, you could collect stamps, knit hats for your dogs, or write a novel. But that shit is BORING. I’ve made a personal commitment to add a little excitement to my life, and I’ve narrowed down my choices to the following. If you feel so inclined, feel free to pick out one of your own, and make this winter your most enjoyable yet.
OK, so admittedly I wrote this down on a napkin at while I was drunk at the bar last week while coming up with ideas for this column. But I put it in my left front jeans pocket, and that’s my good idea pocket, so I know it was important. But what was I trying to tell myself? Take up using meth? Manufacture it? Maybe I should just start slingin’ it?
I hail from what is routinely referred to as the “meth capital” of Michigan (and some say all of the US), the greater Southwest Michigan area. No, seriously, we even have a website, www.methcapital.org. One of the best things about having a hobby is being able find others with similar interests, and be able to expand your circle of friends. Considering I live in an area of the country with a high concentration of meth aficionados, I should have no trouble finding someone to mentor me and help develop my newfound love of meth. If I chose to get into the “game” of making and/or selling, I could use the extra cash. Even if I just take it up recreationally, who couldn’t use to lose a few extra pounds, right? If it’s one thing this article has taught me, it’s that I can associate meth with success.
Competitive Dog Grooming
It’s no secret that I’m a dog lover. They are loyal, trainable, obedient and affectionate. So basically the exact opposite of cats (which happens to be the best of all their qualities.) However, in my opinion, dogs have been looking SO boring lately. Just look at my fat, snoring, plain ol’ puggle. OK, you can’t see her, but I assure you that’s the scene in my living room.
“Hey human, let’s kick this up a notch! I wanna look faaaabulous!” I imagine this to be the inner dialogue running through my dog’s head, and who am I to deny that bitch her happiness. Much to my surprise, there are national competitions where good hearted, loving dog owners fulfill their pets wishes to look as ridiculous as possible. I’ve decided I want to try my hand at it, now I just need the perfect design for my pup. I’m a huge Detroit Tigers fan, so I really couldn’t go wrong in going with Bengal stripes as the pattern of choice. Or I could pay homage to Snoop Dogg/Snoop Lion by combining his two identities into one amazing tribute. Speaking of horny dogs that are willing to hump anything that moves, with or without consent, why not show appreciation for one of the NFL’s elite quarterbacks? The possibilities are endless.
Breaking World Records
Many people are familiar with the Guinness Book of World Records, but most don’t know that it was actually named by Sir Hugh Beaver (haha!), who was the managing director of Guinness Breweries, in 1951. The book, which can also be found in internet form, has evolved into hundreds of pages and thousands of records. This gives you a great starting point for your foray into history, but not all of us can be 8 ft. 11 inches tall, or be lucky enough to get struck by lightning seven times in their life. That’s why it’s my opinion that you make your own way, by creating challenges that no one has ever attempted. May I suggest:
- Most Meth Smoked in One Day – During my previous research regarding meth (see potential hobby #1) I learned that recreational meth users smoke somewhere in the ballpark of .75 grams per day, with the most hardcore consuming around 2 grams per day. When using a handy conversion calculator, that isn’t even half a teaspoon per day! I want to set the benchmark at 4 grams in one 24 hour span. Think you can top it?
- Time Spent Maintaining an Erection While Watching “Sex and the City 2” – Again, according to research, meth makes you hypersexual. However, I believe that this, along with Viagra and other drugs, would fall under the category of BEDs (Boner Enhancing Drugs), and the good people at Guinness would frown upon such unscrupulous methods of erectile assistance. Going in to the challenge clean, I would set the hard on over/under at somewhere around 45 seconds. Speaking of boners…
- Fastest Masturbation to Orgasm from Start to Finish – Done. Next.
So that’s my plans for this winter, what about yours? Feel free to share your recommendations for Guinness Records or other ways to pass the time in the comments section below.