Another Monday night, another live blog. Being that we are left with no more football on Monday nights, enjoy Raw, won’t you? This is not an ordinary Raw, this is the 20th anniversary, so if you haven’t watched WWE in a while, this should be a fun episode to watch.
Join us as some of the HFTE editors, contributors and pledges live blog the event. Feel free to play in the comments section.
It’s like you guys don’t know how to shovel. You’ve been living with the Kennedys for years!!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I actually watched 2 hours of tennis this morning before work. It’s a fun tournament to watch. The guide helped.
Cy: And by everyone, I mean the 3 other people here
Cy: OK NOW EVERYONE GO IMMEDIATELY TO ESPN2 FOR THE AUSSIE
Sweaty: Goodnight viewers! Please send me all your hate mail.
Big Sloppy: For a show that recapped 20 years of memories, very few were made tonight. It was fun talking about it, though!
Sweaty: FIT FINLEY SIGHTING
Big Sloppy: If Rock does win the belt, the only thing I see happening is Cena winning Rumble and Cena finally getting the belt back at Mania. Punk and Taker would be a pretty sweet match though.
Sweaty: CALL CM PUNK A BIATCH… wait, Twinkie tits?
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Well, the first go-around anyway. The 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th times he said it didn’t have the same shock value.
Cy: I enjoyed that way more than I wanted to. Dammit
Big Sloppy: Broadcast team with the best example of selling all night long by laughing this hard.
Sweaty: Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is the “main event”.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I hate myself so much right now. I just laughed at the “no, biatch” line.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Well, this is going swell.
Big Sloppy: 7 minutes. This has done nothing to further a storyline, or even be entertaining. Damn it.
Cy: Fuck it- I’ll use that line. I’ll report back afterward.
Sweaty: You mean Oprah didn’t walk out with the Rock so that he can admit to heavy steroid usage?
Big Sloppy: Oh hai dick jokes!
Sweaty: Plastic surgeons have done a good job of removing any trace of Polynesia from the Rock’s mug.
Big Sloppy: If he does some sort of spoof of Gangnam Style, my head will assplode.
Sweaty: And some facial reconstruction surgery.
Sweaty: CM Punk hires Jeff Jarrett to come out and smash his head with the guitar.
Sweaty: Please no more cookiepuss, Rock.
Sweaty: Crazy AJ is sexy AJ.
Big Sloppy: GUYS HURRY UP YOU’RE CUTTING INTO THE ROCK CONCERT!!1!
Cy: I… I… I think I’m in love
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Remember when hitting a finisher used to mean something? They should go back to that.
Big Sloppy: First good match of the night. Sad for such a hyped show.
And who assembled the cage? Look at the gaps in the corners. Shoddy craftsmanship.
NOOOOO! That was supposed to be AJ’s ass hanging out!
Big Sloppy: Bottom 5 – Otunga, Kofi, Rey Mysterio, Santino, Tensai. I’m not saying they’re the 5 worst, just saying the 5 guys I least enjoy watching.
Sweaty: I love the way Ziggler sells, he’s good.
Big Sloppy: Ziggler can bump, man. I was kind of surprised he’s like 32.
My top 5, in no particular order, are Sandow, Punk, Bryan, Barrett and Hornswaggle. You know, until Christian comes back, then Horny gets the boot.
Cy: My top-5 right now:
2. Cena (yeah, yeah hate away)
3. The Viper
5. Daniel Bryan
2- Cena (Dude is good, hated forever. Lesnar match elevated him in my mind.)
Sgt. Hammerclaw: My top-5 WWE wrestlers right now:
1. CM Punk
2. Dolph Ziggler
3. Daniel Bryan
4. Anthony Cesaro
5. Alberto Del Rio
Sweaty: Yeah, Jericho coming over to WWE was pretty the end of my switching between the two days.
Cy: Alright I skipped some matches and am caught up. How is Dolph Ziggler still a thing?
Sweaty: WCW had an appeal to me because of the nostalgia factor. They had all the guys I watched as a kid in the 80′s, plus all the other NWA guys that were never, or rarely were in the WWF, namely Sting.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: The Jericho debut was incredible.
Big Sloppy: The only time I ever watched WCW was during certain PPVs. I was team WWF my entire life. I loved it when WWF started bringing in the smaller guys from WCW, and the Jericho debut might be my favorite ever.
Also – BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP! SLOBBERKNOCKER.
Sweaty: I’ll admit, I was a Nitro dork and missed a lot of the late 90′s Raws. But made the switch over to Raw when Virgil (and hundreds of other jobbers) became a member of the nWo.
Big Sloppy: OH! And the live sex celebration, because Lita’s boob was out on live television.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Maryse isn’t around anymore, but she was always one of my favorites. I think she’s dating The Miz now too, which is hilarious.
Big Sloppy: Other major moments for me: Raw/Nitro simulcast (my girlfriend broke up with me that night…) DX and Jason Sensation makes fun of the Nation of Domination, Brian Pillman tries to shoot Stone Cold. All are over 10 years old, kind of says a lot.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Yeah, that’s true. I was just reaching for nostalgia with the zamboni night, but Punk has done some incredible promos. He really is the best they’ve got right now. If The Rock wins at the Rumble, I might quit being a fan forever*.
* – after one last Wrestlemania to gamble on, of course.
Sweaty: I’m with Cy, AJ is absolutely the second hottest diva behind Stacy Keibler.
Sweaty: I’d rank Punk’s promo up there with any Raw moment.
Cy: Tsk, Tsk Sloppy. AJ was the hottest around already. That girl is so my kind of crazy.
Big Sloppy: I was at Joe Louis Arena for the zamboni night! My aunt has worked for the Red Wings for 25 years so she’d bring us to all the wrestling back in the day. All time great night.
Big Sloppy: Well, the aforementioned best looking Diva in the WWE just quit. Who’s the next hottest? AJ? Alicia Fox?
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I’d venture to say that one of my favorite Raw moments was the one where Austin drove to the ring on a Zamboni, jumped over the security line, attacked McMahon and got himself arrested. That was awesome.
Sweaty: I agree, Sarge. I’m surprised they’re going so fluff tonight. Either one of two things will happen: 1) It will continue and just end with the stupid Rock thing. Or 2) Something big will happen to recover the night.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: zzzzZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz
Big Sloppy: This Austin/Tyson confrontation is one of those moments where I remember exactly where I was at, what I was doing, even what I was eating. One of my favorites.
Sweaty: Any possibility of a strung out Scott Hall stumbling out to the ring tonight?
Sweaty: YES HE ELBOW DROPPED HIS JACKET VINTAGE RIC FLAIR!1!!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Flair’s being broke is fair game for storylines now? I’m for it.
Cy: Bonus part of being behind is that I got to fast-forward through a Divas match. Just so pointless. Like Title IX pointless.
Yes Sloppy it was. Sweaty- mom says ‘hi’.
True Story: Buddy of mine wrestled in HS with Ric Flair’s son on their school team. Ric used to drive them to basically every away match and was apparently a super cool guy. Was always really jealous.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Okay, that montage was really good, except for the Bieber part. That part wasn’t very good.
Sweaty: Ric Flair: Sylin’ and prolapsing anus.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: The Miz looked so genuinely happy just now, I’m actually happy for him that he just got to Woo Off with Ric Flair.
Big Sloppy: NO NO CLOSE UPS CAMERAMAN!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: How uncomfortable do you think it was after Flair asked McMahon to pay cash in advance for tonight’s appearance?
Sweaty: PLEASE REMOVE CLOTHES AND ELBOW DROP THEM RIC
Sweaty: Miz forgot the Brother Love show.
Big Sloppy: Another one of your shorties, Cy?
Cy: So I had to take an absurdly long and annoying phone call so I’m on an hour delay.
I don’t care. Orton and Ryback on the same team against The Shield to defend Foley might be my favorite RAW moment ever. Dream come true.
Sweaty: I was hoping Miz was going to bring Coral out so he could make some dumb half-racist comment, then she can kick his ass. Yeah, that’s my lasting memory of Mike.
Big Sloppy: Really hoping for a Batista or Edge appearance. Or maybe Christian comes back. Not getting my hopes up though.
Sweaty: Wish they could’ve found a way to get Kurt Angle away from TNA just for tonight. I loved Kurt Angle in WWE.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: McIntyre laughing when Slater was on his shoulders and Sheamus entered the ring just now might be my favorite thing to happen so far tonight.
Big Sloppy: Yeah, this is nothing compared to RAW 1000. With the exception of Rock (and he was on last week, too) this is pretty standard.
Sweaty: I’m disappointed that for the 20th Anniversary of Raw, Heath Slater isn’t fighting an old superstar from Raw’s past. Seriously, kind of a bummer anniversary show so far.
Sweaty: EXCUSE ME! Vickie going topical on us with a baseball HOF blast!
Big Sloppy: I would do naughty, naughty things to Vickie Guerrero…
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I’ll be honest, for a high-profile episode like this, this is a snoozer. Something cool needs to happen soon.
Sweaty: I was hoping he would come out to his ROH music upon his heel turn.
Big Sloppy: Yeah, the “Cult of Personality” entrance was incredible. As much as I hate Miz, his WM27 intro with “Hate Me Now” when he was in the control room was fantastic.
Sweaty: The best was the first time he came out to Cult of Personality at the end of Mysterio-Cena. I fucking loved that song in my youth.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: In case you’ve never seen it, here is the entrance from the Money in the Bank PPV in Chicago when CM Punk won the title hours before his contract expired. Pretty awesome.
Edit: Crap. Apparently youtube links don’t work in the live blog format. Oh, well. You can all copy and paste it.
Edit x2: Well I’ll be damned. Apparently all you need to do is put the link in the post.
Sweaty: More like Bulimic Clay. Seriously, that dude looks 50 lbs lighter.
Big Sloppy: I’ve always been a big Punk fan. Heyman makes me love him twice as much. Paul E. should never be away from the business.
Big Sloppy: I just realized Brodus Clay looks like a fat Bison Dele. RIP, former Brian Williams.
Sweaty: A belt change on Smackdown last week, one of Raw this week? It’s like the WWE is trying to gain some viewers back or something.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Caitlin wins! …and the crowd goes mildly indifferent, minus a few planted signs that were surely handed out by producers ahead of time!!!
Sweaty: He seems to have a decent following. I’ve also heard his podcast, he can talk with the best of them, and has a pretty decent personality. He often doesn’t come across as the most intelligent person, but hey, he’s a wrestler.
Big Sloppy: They had Colt Cabana once and rebranded him as Scotty Goldman. With a name like that, how can you not make it? I doubt they’d resign him, he’s pretty harsh towards the company sometimes.
He’s hilarious though. I highly recommend his “Five Dollar Wrestling” series. It’s like MST3000 for shitty wrestling.
Sweaty: So far, Raw 20 has been unimpressive. Not even a lot to make fun of.
Sweaty: And why the hell isn’t WWE signing Colt Cabana?
Sgt. Hammerclaw: FEED ME STRING CHEESE AND A BAG OF BUTTER LOVERS POPCORN WITH LOWRY’S SEASONING ON IT AND SOMETHING TO DRINK PREFERABLY GATORADE BUT I GUESS I’LL TAKE WATER INSTEAD!
FINE, I’LL FEED MYSELF SOME INSTEAD!
Big Sloppy: A promo for Orton being unstoppable right after jobbing out to Barrett. Seems legit.
Big Sloppy: Duke the Dumpster Drose and Tourette’s Golddust were the best of all of these.
Sweaty: FEED ME LITTLE DEBBIE OATMEAL CREME PIES
Big Sloppy: I agree about Ambrose. I think in 5 years the top guys will be Ambrose, Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, maybe Seth Rollins. In addition to Cena, Punk and Seamus if all those guys stick around.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Yup. The allure of The Shield is gone. If they’re really supposed to destroy everything in their paths, they can’t be losing fights with even numbers. Especially to Goldberg v.2 and the guy who just lost to Wade Barrett.
Sweaty: I think that Dean Ambrose is going to be the next big star.
Sweaty: I hope they don’t do any flashbacks with Sable. I never cared for her, I was more of a Sunny guy. That is, until she aged and got all white trashy.
Big Sloppy: Mrs. Foley’s baby boy! I am pretty damn sure he’s gonna try to squeeze one more match out of that broken down body.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Remember when Kane was a deformed burn victim that had to use a voice box to speak and saved Austin from getting embalmed while he was still alive by the Undertaker at the very last second? Man, those were the days.
Sweaty: I expected more nostalgia. WHERE IS KOKO B. WARE?
Sweaty: You can tell that therapist is a real doctor, because nobody in the medical community actually respects Dr. Phil.
Big Sloppy: Yes! Sandow is probably my favorite wrestler since Jericho (my all time favorite.) He needs to make the jump soon.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Oh, I totally disagree. The WWE needs a wildcard who will get involved with any match and ruin everything. Otherwise, things become too predictable. The Shield has been that wildcard for me.
Sweaty: Daniel Bryan has made me care about Kane. I’ve never ever liked him until now.
Cy: That is what I refer to The Shield as. Keeps anyone from having any fun.
Cy: Eve still slaps way harder than John Laurinaitis
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Cyrus, who is ”Team Chastity Belt?”
Regarding the death pool, it really pains me to say this, but I’m going with Virgil.
Big Sloppy: Eve is the most attractive Diva now that Kelly Kelly is gone. Maria may be my favorite of all time though.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I’m about the farthest thing in the world from a fighter. That said, if some guy wanted to fight me and then started things off by winding up his arm like Barrett just did, I would definitely lose.
I’d start laughing, let my guard down and take one right in the nose. Sure hope that situation never plays out.
Cy: Tomb Raider is going to have multiplayer? How are we supposed to play a game with that much boobage running around?
Big Sloppy: From what I’ve read, Meth Hardy has cleaned up his act. I’ll take a dark horse in Greg Valentine.
Cy: At least Team Chastity Belt didn’t show up in this one. God, they are just the worst. Make Nexus look almost palatable.
Sweaty: How long before Orton is in TNA?
Sweaty: Speaking of substance abuse and wrestling, who do you all have in your wrestling death pool? Me, I’ll take Jeff Hardy.
Sweaty: I always thought flu-like symptoms meant that they were hungover.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Well, since I don’t particularly care about this match, I’ll go off topic for a bit. All day, I have been achy and had the shivers all day, despite blasting the heat in my office high enough for my co-workers to notice. I know what this might mean. That said, I rarely get sick, and aside from those two things, I don’t really feel sick at all.
My question is this: when you hear the phrase “flu-like symptoms” on an injury report in sports, would something like this qualify, or do you have to actually have the flu? I’m assuming it’s the latter, but if that’s the case, why not just say “[Player] is questionable with the flu?”
Big Sloppy: P.S. I have no idea why the hell that image would come from Brazzers. Never even heard of the site, is it a wrestling fan page?
Sweaty: Favorite Raw memory:
Big Sloppy: Orton’s facial hair grows in slightly better than Joe Dirt’s. Also, he’s pretty boring as a face.
Sweaty: I for one can’t wait for Orton to “coil up”. God, I hate that so much.
Cy: OMG OMG OMG OMG. Viper is going to murder him. Hopefully for real
Big Sloppy: But Sarge, The Rock is going to rhyme the word “balls” with something and then compare Punk to a cartoon character. This is better than a Led Zep reunion.
Sweaty: Bring back the blue cage please.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Are people really excited about this Rock concert? I assume the answer is yes, to which I would respond with a simple question: why?
Big Sloppy: I know a lot of people love JBL on the mic. I’m not a big fan. If JR doesn’t make an appearance. I’ll riot. By eating copious amounts of BBQ. (I’ve tried his BBQ sauce btw. It’s ok. His jerky is great.)
Cy: ‘A smart man like myself’ means that I’m going to make Vince more money and keep my job.
Sweaty: Yeah, Big Show, show us your balls!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I didn’t know that he won it either. I absolutely love the fact that Del Rio is a face now, though. This guy cracks me up.
Big Sloppy: Face turn = losing the car intro? Boo.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Big Show’s excellent job security makes everybody in the United States inferior to him? Shit. He’s right.
Big Sloppy: Wait, what? Alberto Del Rio won the Heavyweight Title? I really have to start catching the “B” show sometime.
Sarge: They’re doing an entire Rock Concert? Well, that should give me plenty of time to complain about how his presence ruins all the momentum that CM Punk generates. Looking forward to it!
Big Sloppy: From the first ever RAW – HBK vs Max Moon
Sarge: Dolph and Cena?! Brilliant! How do they come up with stuff?
Sweaty: Could’ve done without the Nickelback intro, WWE.
Sweaty: OH MAH GAWD ALL THE OLD INTROS!
Big Sloppy: Aww shit OLD SCHOOL RAW intros! If it’s one thing WWE does well, it’s video montages.
Sweaty: I’m streaming it, so I get the UK broadcast. I will make fun of commercials you guys won’t be privy to.
Sarge: Unfortunately, I think you’re probably right. That said, I watched the nWo documentary on Netflix over the weekend. I must say, anytime Virgil was on screen, it brought a smile to my face.
The Slop Says: Raw coming from Houston tonight? I’m sure we’ll see some Texans in the front row. Not like they have practice tomorrow or anything.
Sarge: Oh man. Wheel of Fortune is wrapping up. Pat just asked the contestant – in his U.S. Naval uniform – who was out there with him in the audience tonight. The answer was “nobody.”
That was uncomfortable. Let’s get this thing started.
Sweaty: Something tells me that Virgil won’t be joining us here, or on the TV tonight.