Another Monday night, another live blog. Being that we are left with no more football on Monday nights, enjoy Raw, won’t you? This is not an ordinary Raw, this is the 20th anniversary, so if you haven’t watched WWE in a while, this should be a fun episode to watch.
Join us as some of the HFTE editors, contributors and pledges live blog the event. Feel free to play in the comments section.
It’s like you guys don’t know how to shovel. You’ve been living with the Kennedys for years!!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I actually watched 2 hours of tennis this morning before work. It’s a fun tournament to watch. The guide helped.
Cy: And by everyone, I mean the 3 other people here
Cy: OK NOW EVERYONE GO IMMEDIATELY TO ESPN2 FOR THE AUSSIE
Sweaty: Goodnight viewers! Please send me all your hate mail.
Big Sloppy: For a show that recapped 20 years of memories, very few were made tonight. It was fun talking about it, though!
Sweaty: FIT FINLEY SIGHTING
Big Sloppy: If Rock does win the belt, the only thing I see happening is Cena winning Rumble and Cena finally getting the belt back at Mania. Punk and Taker would be a pretty sweet match though.
Sweaty: CALL CM PUNK A BIATCH… wait, Twinkie tits?
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Well, the first go-around anyway. The 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th times he said it didn’t have the same shock value.
Cy: I enjoyed that way more than I wanted to. Dammit
Big Sloppy: Broadcast team with the best example of selling all night long by laughing this hard.
Sweaty: Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is the “main event”.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I hate myself so much right now. I just laughed at the “no, biatch” line.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Well, this is going swell.
Big Sloppy: 7 minutes. This has done nothing to further a storyline, or even be entertaining. Damn it.
Cy: Fuck it- I’ll use that line. I’ll report back afterward.
Sweaty: You mean Oprah didn’t walk out with the Rock so that he can admit to heavy steroid usage?
Big Sloppy: Oh hai dick jokes!
Sweaty: Plastic surgeons have done a good job of removing any trace of Polynesia from the Rock’s mug.
Big Sloppy: If he does some sort of spoof of Gangnam Style, my head will assplode.
Sweaty: And some facial reconstruction surgery.
Sweaty: CM Punk hires Jeff Jarrett to come out and smash his head with the guitar.
Sweaty: Please no more cookiepuss, Rock.
Sweaty: Crazy AJ is sexy AJ.
Big Sloppy: GUYS HURRY UP YOU’RE CUTTING INTO THE ROCK CONCERT!!1!
Cy: I… I… I think I’m in love
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Remember when hitting a finisher used to mean something? They should go back to that.
Big Sloppy: First good match of the night. Sad for such a hyped show.
And who assembled the cage? Look at the gaps in the corners. Shoddy craftsmanship.
NOOOOO! That was supposed to be AJ’s ass hanging out!
Big Sloppy: Bottom 5 – Otunga, Kofi, Rey Mysterio, Santino, Tensai. I’m not saying they’re the 5 worst, just saying the 5 guys I least enjoy watching.
Sweaty: I love the way Ziggler sells, he’s good.
Big Sloppy: Ziggler can bump, man. I was kind of surprised he’s like 32.
My top 5, in no particular order, are Sandow, Punk, Bryan, Barrett and Hornswaggle. You know, until Christian comes back, then Horny gets the boot.
Cy: My top-5 right now:
2. Cena (yeah, yeah hate away)
3. The Viper
5. Daniel Bryan
2- Cena (Dude is good, hated forever. Lesnar match elevated him in my mind.)
Sgt. Hammerclaw: My top-5 WWE wrestlers right now:
1. CM Punk
2. Dolph Ziggler
3. Daniel Bryan
4. Anthony Cesaro
5. Alberto Del Rio
Sweaty: Yeah, Jericho coming over to WWE was pretty the end of my switching between the two days.
Cy: Alright I skipped some matches and am caught up. How is Dolph Ziggler still a thing?
Sweaty: WCW had an appeal to me because of the nostalgia factor. They had all the guys I watched as a kid in the 80’s, plus all the other NWA guys that were never, or rarely were in the WWF, namely Sting.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: The Jericho debut was incredible.
Big Sloppy: The only time I ever watched WCW was during certain PPVs. I was team WWF my entire life. I loved it when WWF started bringing in the smaller guys from WCW, and the Jericho debut might be my favorite ever.
Also – BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP! SLOBBERKNOCKER.
Sweaty: I’ll admit, I was a Nitro dork and missed a lot of the late 90’s Raws. But made the switch over to Raw when Virgil (and hundreds of other jobbers) became a member of the nWo.
Big Sloppy: OH! And the live sex celebration, because Lita’s boob was out on live television.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Maryse isn’t around anymore, but she was always one of my favorites. I think she’s dating The Miz now too, which is hilarious.
Big Sloppy: Other major moments for me: Raw/Nitro simulcast (my girlfriend broke up with me that night…) DX and Jason Sensation makes fun of the Nation of Domination, Brian Pillman tries to shoot Stone Cold. All are over 10 years old, kind of says a lot.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Yeah, that’s true. I was just reaching for nostalgia with the zamboni night, but Punk has done some incredible promos. He really is the best they’ve got right now. If The Rock wins at the Rumble, I might quit being a fan forever*.
* – after one last Wrestlemania to gamble on, of course.
Sweaty: I’m with Cy, AJ is absolutely the second hottest diva behind Stacy Keibler.
Sweaty: I’d rank Punk’s promo up there with any Raw moment.
Cy: Tsk, Tsk Sloppy. AJ was the hottest around already. That girl is so my kind of crazy.
Big Sloppy: I was at Joe Louis Arena for the zamboni night! My aunt has worked for the Red Wings for 25 years so she’d bring us to all the wrestling back in the day. All time great night.
Big Sloppy: Well, the aforementioned best looking Diva in the WWE just quit. Who’s the next hottest? AJ? Alicia Fox?
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I’d venture to say that one of my favorite Raw moments was the one where Austin drove to the ring on a Zamboni, jumped over the security line, attacked McMahon and got himself arrested. That was awesome.
Sweaty: I agree, Sarge. I’m surprised they’re going so fluff tonight. Either one of two things will happen: 1) It will continue and just end with the stupid Rock thing. Or 2) Something big will happen to recover the night.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: zzzzZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz
Big Sloppy: This Austin/Tyson confrontation is one of those moments where I remember exactly where I was at, what I was doing, even what I was eating. One of my favorites.
Sweaty: Any possibility of a strung out Scott Hall stumbling out to the ring tonight?
Sweaty: YES HE ELBOW DROPPED HIS JACKET VINTAGE RIC FLAIR!1!!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Flair’s being broke is fair game for storylines now? I’m for it.
Cy: Bonus part of being behind is that I got to fast-forward through a Divas match. Just so pointless. Like Title IX pointless.
Yes Sloppy it was. Sweaty- mom says ‘hi’.
True Story: Buddy of mine wrestled in HS with Ric Flair’s son on their school team. Ric used to drive them to basically every away match and was apparently a super cool guy. Was always really jealous.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Okay, that montage was really good, except for the Bieber part. That part wasn’t very good.
Sweaty: Ric Flair: Sylin’ and prolapsing anus.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: The Miz looked so genuinely happy just now, I’m actually happy for him that he just got to Woo Off with Ric Flair.
Big Sloppy: NO NO CLOSE UPS CAMERAMAN!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: How uncomfortable do you think it was after Flair asked McMahon to pay cash in advance for tonight’s appearance?
Sweaty: PLEASE REMOVE CLOTHES AND ELBOW DROP THEM RIC
Sweaty: Miz forgot the Brother Love show.
Big Sloppy: Another one of your shorties, Cy?
Cy: So I had to take an absurdly long and annoying phone call so I’m on an hour delay.
I don’t care. Orton and Ryback on the same team against The Shield to defend Foley might be my favorite RAW moment ever. Dream come true.
Sweaty: I was hoping Miz was going to bring Coral out so he could make some dumb half-racist comment, then she can kick his ass. Yeah, that’s my lasting memory of Mike.
Big Sloppy: Really hoping for a Batista or Edge appearance. Or maybe Christian comes back. Not getting my hopes up though.
Sweaty: Wish they could’ve found a way to get Kurt Angle away from TNA just for tonight. I loved Kurt Angle in WWE.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: McIntyre laughing when Slater was on his shoulders and Sheamus entered the ring just now might be my favorite thing to happen so far tonight.
Big Sloppy: Yeah, this is nothing compared to RAW 1000. With the exception of Rock (and he was on last week, too) this is pretty standard.
Sweaty: I’m disappointed that for the 20th Anniversary of Raw, Heath Slater isn’t fighting an old superstar from Raw’s past. Seriously, kind of a bummer anniversary show so far.
Sweaty: EXCUSE ME! Vickie going topical on us with a baseball HOF blast!
Big Sloppy: I would do naughty, naughty things to Vickie Guerrero…
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I’ll be honest, for a high-profile episode like this, this is a snoozer. Something cool needs to happen soon.
Sweaty: I was hoping he would come out to his ROH music upon his heel turn.
Big Sloppy: Yeah, the “Cult of Personality” entrance was incredible. As much as I hate Miz, his WM27 intro with “Hate Me Now” when he was in the control room was fantastic.
Sweaty: The best was the first time he came out to Cult of Personality at the end of Mysterio-Cena. I fucking loved that song in my youth.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: In case you’ve never seen it, here is the entrance from the Money in the Bank PPV in Chicago when CM Punk won the title hours before his contract expired. Pretty awesome.
Edit: Crap. Apparently youtube links don’t work in the live blog format. Oh, well. You can all copy and paste it.
Edit x2: Well I’ll be damned. Apparently all you need to do is put the link in the post.
Sweaty: More like Bulimic Clay. Seriously, that dude looks 50 lbs lighter.
Big Sloppy: I’ve always been a big Punk fan. Heyman makes me love him twice as much. Paul E. should never be away from the business.
Big Sloppy: I just realized Brodus Clay looks like a fat Bison Dele. RIP, former Brian Williams.
Sweaty: A belt change on Smackdown last week, one of Raw this week? It’s like the WWE is trying to gain some viewers back or something.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Caitlin wins! …and the crowd goes mildly indifferent, minus a few planted signs that were surely handed out by producers ahead of time!!!
Sweaty: He seems to have a decent following. I’ve also heard his podcast, he can talk with the best of them, and has a pretty decent personality. He often doesn’t come across as the most intelligent person, but hey, he’s a wrestler.
Big Sloppy: They had Colt Cabana once and rebranded him as Scotty Goldman. With a name like that, how can you not make it? I doubt they’d resign him, he’s pretty harsh towards the company sometimes.
He’s hilarious though. I highly recommend his “Five Dollar Wrestling” series. It’s like MST3000 for shitty wrestling.
Sweaty: So far, Raw 20 has been unimpressive. Not even a lot to make fun of.
Sweaty: And why the hell isn’t WWE signing Colt Cabana?
Sgt. Hammerclaw: FEED ME STRING CHEESE AND A BAG OF BUTTER LOVERS POPCORN WITH LOWRY’S SEASONING ON IT AND SOMETHING TO DRINK PREFERABLY GATORADE BUT I GUESS I’LL TAKE WATER INSTEAD!
FINE, I’LL FEED MYSELF SOME INSTEAD!
Big Sloppy: A promo for Orton being unstoppable right after jobbing out to Barrett. Seems legit.
Big Sloppy: Duke the Dumpster Drose and Tourette’s Golddust were the best of all of these.
Sweaty: FEED ME LITTLE DEBBIE OATMEAL CREME PIES
Big Sloppy: I agree about Ambrose. I think in 5 years the top guys will be Ambrose, Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, maybe Seth Rollins. In addition to Cena, Punk and Seamus if all those guys stick around.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Yup. The allure of The Shield is gone. If they’re really supposed to destroy everything in their paths, they can’t be losing fights with even numbers. Especially to Goldberg v.2 and the guy who just lost to Wade Barrett.
Sweaty: I think that Dean Ambrose is going to be the next big star.
Sweaty: I hope they don’t do any flashbacks with Sable. I never cared for her, I was more of a Sunny guy. That is, until she aged and got all white trashy.
Big Sloppy: Mrs. Foley’s baby boy! I am pretty damn sure he’s gonna try to squeeze one more match out of that broken down body.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Remember when Kane was a deformed burn victim that had to use a voice box to speak and saved Austin from getting embalmed while he was still alive by the Undertaker at the very last second? Man, those were the days.
Sweaty: I expected more nostalgia. WHERE IS KOKO B. WARE?
Sweaty: You can tell that therapist is a real doctor, because nobody in the medical community actually respects Dr. Phil.
Big Sloppy: Yes! Sandow is probably my favorite wrestler since Jericho (my all time favorite.) He needs to make the jump soon.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Oh, I totally disagree. The WWE needs a wildcard who will get involved with any match and ruin everything. Otherwise, things become too predictable. The Shield has been that wildcard for me.
Sweaty: Daniel Bryan has made me care about Kane. I’ve never ever liked him until now.
Cy: That is what I refer to The Shield as. Keeps anyone from having any fun.
Cy: Eve still slaps way harder than John Laurinaitis
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Cyrus, who is “Team Chastity Belt?”
Regarding the death pool, it really pains me to say this, but I’m going with Virgil.
Big Sloppy: Eve is the most attractive Diva now that Kelly Kelly is gone. Maria may be my favorite of all time though.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I’m about the farthest thing in the world from a fighter. That said, if some guy wanted to fight me and then started things off by winding up his arm like Barrett just did, I would definitely lose.
I’d start laughing, let my guard down and take one right in the nose. Sure hope that situation never plays out.
Cy: Tomb Raider is going to have multiplayer? How are we supposed to play a game with that much boobage running around?
Big Sloppy: From what I’ve read, Meth Hardy has cleaned up his act. I’ll take a dark horse in Greg Valentine.
Cy: At least Team Chastity Belt didn’t show up in this one. God, they are just the worst. Make Nexus look almost palatable.
Sweaty: How long before Orton is in TNA?
Sweaty: Speaking of substance abuse and wrestling, who do you all have in your wrestling death pool? Me, I’ll take Jeff Hardy.
Sweaty: I always thought flu-like symptoms meant that they were hungover.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Well, since I don’t particularly care about this match, I’ll go off topic for a bit. All day, I have been achy and had the shivers all day, despite blasting the heat in my office high enough for my co-workers to notice. I know what this might mean. That said, I rarely get sick, and aside from those two things, I don’t really feel sick at all.
My question is this: when you hear the phrase “flu-like symptoms” on an injury report in sports, would something like this qualify, or do you have to actually have the flu? I’m assuming it’s the latter, but if that’s the case, why not just say “[Player] is questionable with the flu?”
Big Sloppy: P.S. I have no idea why the hell that image would come from Brazzers. Never even heard of the site, is it a wrestling fan page?
Sweaty: Favorite Raw memory:
Big Sloppy: Orton’s facial hair grows in slightly better than Joe Dirt’s. Also, he’s pretty boring as a face.
Sweaty: I for one can’t wait for Orton to “coil up”. God, I hate that so much.
Cy: OMG OMG OMG OMG. Viper is going to murder him. Hopefully for real
Big Sloppy: But Sarge, The Rock is going to rhyme the word “balls” with something and then compare Punk to a cartoon character. This is better than a Led Zep reunion.
Sweaty: Bring back the blue cage please.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Are people really excited about this Rock concert? I assume the answer is yes, to which I would respond with a simple question: why?
Big Sloppy: I know a lot of people love JBL on the mic. I’m not a big fan. If JR doesn’t make an appearance. I’ll riot. By eating copious amounts of BBQ. (I’ve tried his BBQ sauce btw. It’s ok. His jerky is great.)
Cy: ‘A smart man like myself’ means that I’m going to make Vince more money and keep my job.
Sweaty: Yeah, Big Show, show us your balls!
Sgt. Hammerclaw: I didn’t know that he won it either. I absolutely love the fact that Del Rio is a face now, though. This guy cracks me up.
Big Sloppy: Face turn = losing the car intro? Boo.
Sgt. Hammerclaw: Big Show’s excellent job security makes everybody in the United States inferior to him? Shit. He’s right.
Big Sloppy: Wait, what? Alberto Del Rio won the Heavyweight Title? I really have to start catching the “B” show sometime.
Sarge: They’re doing an entire Rock Concert? Well, that should give me plenty of time to complain about how his presence ruins all the momentum that CM Punk generates. Looking forward to it!
Big Sloppy: From the first ever RAW – HBK vs Max Moon
Sarge: Dolph and Cena?! Brilliant! How do they come up with stuff?
Sweaty: Could’ve done without the Nickelback intro, WWE.
Sweaty: OH MAH GAWD ALL THE OLD INTROS!
Big Sloppy: Aww shit OLD SCHOOL RAW intros! If it’s one thing WWE does well, it’s video montages.
Sweaty: I’m streaming it, so I get the UK broadcast. I will make fun of commercials you guys won’t be privy to.
Sarge: Unfortunately, I think you’re probably right. That said, I watched the nWo documentary on Netflix over the weekend. I must say, anytime Virgil was on screen, it brought a smile to my face.
The Slop Says: Raw coming from Houston tonight? I’m sure we’ll see some Texans in the front row. Not like they have practice tomorrow or anything.
Sarge: Oh man. Wheel of Fortune is wrapping up. Pat just asked the contestant – in his U.S. Naval uniform – who was out there with him in the audience tonight. The answer was “nobody.”
That was uncomfortable. Let’s get this thing started.
Sweaty: Something tells me that Virgil won’t be joining us here, or on the TV tonight.
Big Sloppy Well, um, I guess that’ll do it from HFTE Headquarters. Thanks for joining us tonight, sports fan(s?).
Big Sloppy That would have been awesome if McCarron tore his ACL when Jones shoved him.
Big Sloppy Yep. Just too many scripted catchphrases. He was one “brother” away from being Hulk Hogan. Punk was great though. They better get a great opponent for him for Mania. Maybe Taker.
Sarge: The Rock is a cartoon. Punk’s worked shoot before Rocky came out was brilliant, and and The Rock just destroyed all of that momentum.
Big Sloppy At this point, I would also be faking an injury to get out of this game.
Sweaty: This from Richard Deitsch
CNBC reporter. MT
@janewells Suspect someone from Disney called ESPN at half & said throttle back on McCarron gf. She’s been MIA 2nd half.
Big Sloppy Best in the World. Firmly on CM Punk’s side here. Unfortunately, he’ll be dropping the strap at Rumble, so Rock can have a title match at ‘Mania.
Sweaty: This game is finally starting to get competitive.
Sweaty: Look, Raw is starting in my timezone now. So we have the bookends of Raw with the last quarter of the game.
PolkPanther: IF YA SMEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL! 1999 me is marking out so hard for The Rock.
Sweaty: I wish Lacey Chabert would enter the game.
WWE is retarded.
Big Sloppy This game is taking longer than “The English Patient” and “Eyes Wide Shut” put together. In book form.
Sweaty: No, there are many EMT’s on site and they are well trained on how to deal with Lou mouth.
Reader “Bob” writes in:
Sweet setup here. Do you think that Lou Holtz would’ve really died if Notre Dame had been shutout?
Big Sloppy For those of you still alive, CM Punk is about to get interrupted by The Rock on RAW.
Sweaty: It’s that “let’s reach deep into our bag of tricks” desperation time for ND
Sweaty: Come on Irish! No, I mean come on, let’s go, it’s over, get on the buses.
PolkPanther: Just turned back to football in time to see Notre Dame throw up a hideous interception. That’s all for me, folks.
PolkPanther: How do they let these guys wear flak jackets? That’s like a performance-enhancing garment for them.
Big Sloppy Basically they’re like a new version of NWO, which has already been done 10 times since NWO. But I kinda like them.
Sarge: Oh, man. It’s a good thing The Shield made friends with the light operator before tonight’s match, otherwise their cover would’ve been totally blown.
Big Sloppy Oh it’s the Shield. Cheating bastards.
PolkPanther: Wat. Who. Wat.
PolkPanther: Hey what happened to Daniel Craig? I wanted to tell him I loved him in Harry Potter.
This is a good match. It kills me that the crowd is mostly too young for “EC-DUB” chants after that top-rope spot though.
Sweaty: I’m totally going to drop acid and live-blog it, kind of like that kid on Twitter did.
Big Sloppy And then New Jack would have smoked some crack with Sandman. ECDubs was the best.
PolkPanther: I like the fan saying “Hit him with a Gatorade!” If ECW was still around he would’ve a) done it and then b) used the fan’s mom’s barbed-wire bat. I miss ECW.
Daniel Craig: Raw comes on at like 2am for me.
Sweaty: I wish Raw wasn’t tape-delayed for me. I’ll be streaming it next week.
PolkPanther: To give you an idea of how long it’s been since I last watched RAW regularly, it was when they didn’t cut to commercial in the middle of a huge match.
PolkPanther: Love that spot with the steps. That Ryback’s got a great work rate for a big guy.
Daniel Craig: Cheers!
Big Sloppy Daniel Craig, everybody! A poor man’s Jason Statham.
Sweaty: Um, thank you, Daniel Craig.
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, O-K-U!
I’m a Sooner born
And a Sooner bred,
And when I die
I’ll be Sooner dead
Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma!
Rah, Oklahoma! O-K-U!
Big Sloppy Listen closely and you’ll hear the “Goldberg” chants. He’s super over with the crowd though.
PolkPanther: I haven’t watched wrasslin’ in a long time. Who’s Ryback? He looks like the result of Goldberg donating sperm to a lesbian couple.
Big Sloppy FEED ME MORE pigs in a blanket.
Big Sloppy No Rock yet. Punk Vs. Ryback in a TLC match that was supposed to happen last month. Punk had his knee scoped and had to put it off till tonight.
PolkPanther: [Immediately switches to RAW] Did the Rock come back yet? Wait, CM Punk is doing a Ladder match? And it’s not on PPV? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THIS?
Sweaty: Okay, Mister Worst James Bond Ever, you’re on!
Daniel Craig: But I was told I was going to be singing for you at halftime.
Big Sloppy Holy Shit Jon Gruden is at RAW.
Sweaty: No, 6 you fucking wanker. Get the hell outta here!
PolkPanther: This is bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. Oh hey, beauty queens.
Daniel Craig: 007?
Sweaty: Daniel, do you know how many points a touchdown is worth?
Big Sloppy Daniel Craig killed 5 hookers while at SMU
Sweaty: We are, Daniel. Perhaps you’d like to come back when we live-blog F1?
Daniel Craig: I don’t understand this bloody sport, I thought we were live-blogging football.
Big Sloppy I believe PARS is the one who keeps dropping by to comment on the general state of retardation of things.
Sweaty: Ladies and gentlemen, we have Daniel Craig joining us for halftime!
BronzeHammer: whos the idiot that keeps typing without using his name? is it morpheus
Sweaty: Tommy Rees is #1 in my NCAA QB Power Rankings.
Big Sloppy A 13″ color TV for 9? That’s crazy.
PolkPanther: This game blows. Watch this instead. (This was a real store)
Sweaty: Please put Rex Grossman’s son, Tommy Rees into the game.
Sweaty: I can’t wait for the offseason when Everett Golson can’t figure out how to negotiate a gate while meeting up with Manti Te’o to get baked.
This game is fucking retarded.
Sweaty: Oh, Big Momma’s House 2 on BET!
PolkPanther: This is bad, you guys.
I’m out of beer.
DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver: so we can we like finally come to a consensus about whether or not trinity is hot. i mean is she like a smoking hot sexy dude or what
Big Sloppy As entertaining as this game is, I would highly suggest doing a google image search for McCarrons’s girlfriend Katherine Webb. She’s a fan of bikinis.
Sweaty: Nick Saban should just let Notre Dame keep the ball. I’m fairly certain they want to run the clock down worse than Alabama.
Big Sloppy Horny ol’ Brent is still the highlight of the first half for me. Funny, I used to confuse him with Pat O’Brien when I was a kid. Turns out they aren’t so different.
PolkPanther: Seeing Jadeveon Clowney’s hit has been the best part of the game so far.
BronzeHammer: no jeff, im watching source code not the matrix. actually wait, which one is keanu reeves in? im watching that one. pretty sure it’s speed 2
PolkPanther: I can confirm that every living room in South Jersey looks EXACTLY like that wood-paneled den in the photo from Cinnaminson.
DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver: morpheus. hey morpheus i think i’m in the matrix now. morpheus is there a sbarro in the matrix
Sweaty: What those Discover Card commercials tell me, is that the customer service agents working for them are going to steal your identity.
PolkPanther: I had my dishwasher running during the first quarter, and now it’s over, and now Brent Musberger is SO FUCKING LOUD. Also that’s a big stop for Notre Dame.
Sweaty: I really miss Brent Musburger saying “Honey Badger” every five minutes.
PolkPanther: [puts tape over the HP logo on his computer]
[Writes “DELL” on tape]
[Crosses out “DELL”]
Sweaty: Nice to see that HP can’t even compete with the likes of Vizio when it comes to PC’s. HP is like the Notre Dame of computers.
PolkPanther: Was ESPN like, “Hey, instead of making 0,000 for a 15-second commercial, let’s tell everybody about RG3’s injury, because none of our viewers have Internet access”
Big Sloppy Good news: Ricky Steamboat is on RAW. Shitty news: Serving as Santino’s manager.
PolkPanther: Don’t blame Notre Dame for being unprepared. They usually have to study ECON on Monday nights.
Big Sloppy Te’o is a cornball Samoan. A real Samoan like Rikishi wouldn’t let something like this happen.
Sweaty: The altitude has really thrown ND off their game.
PolkPanther: Oooh, new American Pickers is on.
Big Sloppy I’m 50/50 between Raw and the game, so I could go either way…Oh wait, Heath Slater is on. I’d rather watch the blowout.
PolkPanther: Hey do you guys want to flip this into a RAW live blog? Or you want to get naked and fuck? What? No. NOOOO you misheard me. I said “get baked as fuck”.
Sweaty: It’s a good thing ND has an explosive offense.
Sweaty: Have you seen the women Leinart has been with, Brent? McCarron is already in rarefied air.
PolkPanther: Miami played for a national championship in this century? Huh.
BronzeHammer: hey im watching source code
Sweaty: Was Brent Musburger being a perv a square on the bingo card?
PolkPanther: Do you think Musberger touches Herbstreit in the booth? Like a jockular shoulder slap here, playful gut punch there? And then it goes a little too far and Herbie brushes him off, and then it gets awkward for the rest of the game?
Big Sloppy High comedy is living an hour away from South Bend and logging into Facebook right now…meanwhile, Brent Musburger just jizzed on the air.
PolkPanther: I feel like this is the part where the game devolves into slow-moving slogfest. Basically, it’s Monday Night Football.
Sweaty: I think this is the way any team at any level of athletic competition wants to avoid starting a game, Herbstreit.
PolkPanther: I’m willfully ignoring that fumble to note that Sun Life Pro Player Joe Robbie Landshark Stadium has really beautiful grass.
PolkPanther: Notre Dame really needs to score here. And on its next 15 possessions.
Sweaty: Oh, RGIII Gatorade commercial. “Greatness is taken” away from you by Mike Shanahan.
PolkPanther: I’m hoping Notre Dame was watching the Redskins-Seahawks game yesterday. Also, they should start praying for a rainstorm that destroys the turf.
Big Sloppy Brian Kelly is from Boston? Of course, why wouldn’t he be?
PolkPanther: How do you get lucky enough to meet a lady named Mrs. Sloppy? That’s a dream come true.
PolkPanther: More like Manti Te’ohwherethefuckareyou, amirite?
Big Sloppy I told Mrs. Sloppy earlier today I’d be live blogging the game tonight with friends. She went and got beer and made pigs in a blanket, thinking I meant real life friends. Like that would ever happen.
Sweaty: No halo rule in CFB means that ND will never win a BCS Championship.
PolkPanther: “Hey ref! Get off your knees! You’ll have a much better perspective on the game!”
Big Sloppy Hot woman-on-woman action over on RAW if you need commercial filler.
PolkPanther: How is that not control of the ball? He had a better grip on that than some handjobs I’ve had.
From football players.
From Notre Dame.
Big Sloppy “The team that makes the most mistakes might be the team that wins tonight.” And now it makes sense why Brian Kelly’s name isn’t coming up in NFL talks.
Sweaty: I hope ND loses in hopes that Mike Golic beats the shit out of Mike Greenberg on live TV/radio tomorrow morning.
[spends 5 minutes trying to get a picture of puppy wearing Alabama hat]
[dejectedly watches puppy chew on hat]
Only way Notre Dame comes back from this is bringing in the “HELLO” kid. Which would be great, so I can quit seeing that goddamned commercial.
Big Sloppy John Cena would have made that tackle…
PolkPanther: Notre Dame’s secondary showing they’re NFL-ready with that coverage. Any of them could start for the Philadelphia Eagles.
Sweaty: Somebody hacked our system. Oh wait, it’s just SubPARS.
This thing is fucking retarded.
Big Sloppy Ken Doll Rinaldi with the hard hitting questions.
PolkPanther: O/U was 8.5 on Te’o sloppy broadcaster blowjobs received. We’re already at 1.
Sweaty: Dan Snyder is not watching the game tonight because he hates college kids and healthy turf.
PolkPanther: I have to feel like Notre Dame had the easier time getting here beating USC in the BCS semifinals.
DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver: is there a sbarro in here
Big Sloppy Go home, DJJJW, you’re drunk.
Big Sloppy Notre Dame with the upset, 24-20. Ron Powlus wins MVP.
DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver: where am i
PolkPanther: I don’t want to destroy the mystique, but none of us really care about this game. We’re only doing the live blog to test out the system for bigger stuff like NHL opening night.
Sweaty: You don’t have to remove your headpiece during the anthem if you’re a member of the military, or a mascot.
PolkPanther: Great job by Fat Fleet Foxes on the anthem. LES PLAY BAWL.
Big Sloppy Catholics vs. Cousins, right guys?!11!
Big Sloppy Hey all! I’ll be stealing jokes from all the Facebook posts I saw today posted by my ND friends. Hope you don’t mind.
PolkPanther: Trent Richardson’s glasses are impressive. Did they show those to Chip Kelly? Alabama 62, Notre Dame 3.
Sweaty: John Cena toyed with A.J.’s emotions and she’s looking to get rev. . . Oh hi football fans!
PolkPanther here. I’m hard in the tank for Notre Dame, because somehow a bunch of Irish Catholics won in a competition of “who believes in Evolution more?”